I think there might be bears in my back yard.
 

Last night, my wife came to me and said that she's seeing "bear spots" in our yard. She took me outside and, lo and behold, there are several places in the yard where all the grass is gone, presumably the result of bears rolling around or something.

(By the way, I don't know much about bear behavior, but I did notice that they must seem to like the spots in our yard that get the most sun. So be careful if you're in a sunny area.)

Now I'm afraid to go outside. My wife says that she can call a company to take care of the bear spots, but that's not going to fix the core problem of bears rolling around outside just feet from my house. My wife thinks this isn't a big deal, but I'm worried. Any suggestions?

When they start doing the Superbowl Shuffle, call Civil Defense.

Just camp out tonight, and if one shows up, run up behind him scare him away with one of those really loud airhorns.

Who the heck do you think you are? Tony Soprano?

Bears get really bad around Denver this time of the year. They even saw one at Elitch Gardens once! They're coming out of hibernation hungry. I bet he's feasting in your garbage and then rolling around afterwards to aid digestion. Tell your wife you need to invest in some bear traps.

Where do you live?

Time to give Bwana a call.

reason with them....

30.06 to the head would do the trick.

Dunno. Looks like penguins have one approach to getting rid of annoying bears that are hanging around. Might wnat to give it a shot...

http://www.abhats.com/Penguin%20pola...%20symbols.jpg

ROFL

Didn't you recently have an issue with a female bare through the window across the street? I think you need to move, but that's just me.

Denver.

ROFL Rep comin your way.

I hear they don't like being poked with sharp sticks. you might try that.

I hear swattin em on the nose with a flyswatter works pretty well.

Crap in his rolling spot.

Bears are definitely not my area of expertise, but I highly doubt there are a lot of bears in Denver. Most of the bears I know are not city folk.

We had them in our back yard in Colorado Springs. They loved to bring our neighbor's trash into our back yard a pick through it. Black bears. About the size of very large dogs. So long as they weren't with their young they didn't pose much of a risk to humans. Our pomeranians on the other hand looked like snack food...

By the way, the bear's favorite food: Baby poop (from diapers)...together now: eeeewwwwww.

Leave a Unicycle out there tonight, if he hops on it and starts riding call the circus. You my friend have just struck gold!

If, as AirForceChiefs says, the type of bears in your area are Black Bears, they don't pose much of a threat to you. While they are omnivores, they are generally not very predatory -- they eat mostly insects, nuts, small fruit, etc.

If you really think there's a possibility you have them hanging around, I'd call your local ranger or wildlife organization and see what they suggest.

That might also solve the bicycle mystery.

I love this place.

So bears take drugs? Man, there's so much that I don't know.

Turn him into a rug.

No doubt. This thread is making me want to come up with CP archetypes. A few I've witnessed in this thread:

1. The Comedian.
2. The Asshole
3. The Helpful Advice Giver
4. The Derailer

I believe I fall in all categories. I seem to be especially good at derailing, though.

I'm more worried than ever now that I know they eat nuts.

Haha. :)

Are you sure it's not a Shaq?

What the hell is that thing? Looks like a grizzly had its way with a Saint Bernard!

Do you have woods behind your house? Look for bear shit....there's your answer!

That is a REAL picture. :shake: It is one big ass bear.

Ooo! I read about that thing. It charged that dude and he killed it. When they cut it open, they found the remains of some campers in it.

I remember reading about it on snopes.com. Can't remember if the picture is real or not, but the story that goes along with it (that that dude killed the Grizzly) definitely is NOT true.

Invite Elway over for dinner. Pour some honey on his head and then shove him out the back door.

:evil:

I'd buy a bigger bear and put him in my backyard.

or a fence.

I guess the fence is probably the safer solution but a bigger bear could prove interesting.

Actually, i take it back -- snopes.com says that story about the guy killing the Grizzly IS true:

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/bearhunt.asp

Liar! Here's the pictures of the remains they pulled out of his stomach (warning, pretty gross).

Oh damnit, nevermind. You've ruined my fun by posting the snopes link.

Nice try. ;)

These are all good suggestions so far. My wife seems to think the problem can be solved by just spreading a bunch of fertilizer around, but come on. These are bears we're talking about.

I'm thinking maybe a rhino. I'll bet bears hate rhinos.

That guy in the snopes picture looks like Keanu Reeves.

"So you're telling me I can dodge bears?"
"I'm telling you when you're ready, you won't have to."

If it turns out they are Chicago Bears just call the NFL.

Haha.

My apologies for that picture. I thought it was one I had edited Shaq's face onto. I can't locate that one so my joke was pretty lame - like most of my jokes, actually.

You'll noticed nobody commented because it was pretty much par for the course for you. :shrug:















:p

You should have put in a butt-kissing clause in your negotiations with Kyle.

*All posters will laugh at Phobia's jokes and respect his authority as a part-owner of the Planet

Another Junkie... :shake:

There you have it! Get the rhino, set the bear on fire, and the rhino will kill it by stomping out the fire!

And you thought you had a crisis on your hands. Pffft!

I just assumed it was a prelude to another one of your racist diatribes.

It's not really racist until I paste the face of Rosie O'Donnell onto the head of a Polar Bear.

If I somehow manage to miss the thread that details how Rain Man dealt with pissed off bear caught in a trap in his back yard before leaving for work please someone call or email me.

Oh you lucky man to have them right in your backyard.....please leave some honey out for them. They have been sleeping all winter long and they need to get their energy back......

From http://www.bigbeartrap.com

Dig a deep hole and fill it with ashes. When the bear comes up, sneak up behind him and kick him in the ash hole. I know it's old but I like it.

http://www.bowhunting.net/susieq/bear.html

MM
~~:D

My mouth is watering.

I think some of the folks on the bored could use some bare shit repellent.

Kill them immediately.

NewChiefs first post becomes a lot funnier when you think of the gay slang reference for "bear."

ROFL Denverchief?

Sometimes I wonder how good a pet store owner you really are.

I thought he raised rabbits for food and mice and crap for people to feed to snakes. Sort of a :evil: pet store owner.

I highly doubt these are bears you are talking about, Kev.

C'mon- you are in the middle of the city. How do you think a bear is going to make it to your backyard without being noticed. You think the bear put on a clown suit and walked on it's hind legs for say, oh, uhm, 20 or 30 miles into town? And I don't buy the fact the bear rode in on a unicycle either.

Now, it may have fallen out of the back of a truck carrying circus animals, but I haven't heard anything about a missing bear in the Denver news.

So, I think you're getting up in the middle of the night, putting on your fake bear suit and rolling around in the backyard during one of your sleepwalking episodes. You've had a strange fascination with putting honey on everything lately and now you're experiencing these bear-like symptoms.

Otherwise, it's more likely to be a UFO that landed in your yard. That makes more sense.

I know it seems preposterous, but my wife showed me the bear spots in the lawn. I saw them with my own two eyes.

Your dogs need to find another place to pee.

The rhino: nature's fireman.

I think this actually has more to do with the cultish behavior of his cats. They have their very own Egyptian god afterall.

ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

Hehehehehehhehh. Well, I am more of a FEED STORE at heart, but the town changed so we emphasise a lot of pet stuff.

There you go.

But I am discreet about the rats, I hide them in the back of the store in the dimly lit corner, almost like selling porn. :p

Keeps the pet loving clientelle in the dark. All the rats come up to the cash register already bagged and tagged.

I told you he was only interested in raising animals, or "pets", as things to eat. He sells gerbils to snakeowners, rabbits to some frou frou Kalifornian restaurant, and cats to the Vietnamese restaurant down the street.

That's what he means when he says "feed store."

I am the kind of pet store that stays in business.

I use to sell discount cigarettes out of my shop, right along with bird seed, dog food, and other such stuff.

I run my store business first, pet second so whatever generates foot traffic and turns the buck.

Animals are here for humans to steward and if the Bear is infringing on your teritory, you need to take it out before something or God forbid someone gets hurt.

Dig a big trench with a back hoe, shoot it, and bury the fugger and don't tell anyone.

I'm just fuggin with you;)

Unfortunately, I called your local PETA chapter, and they didnt' think it was so funny.

Seriously, I think it's cool that you've made a niche small business work, especially in a place as expensive to live as Cali. Props to you. :thumb:

Genous.

PETA is from the Devil man. Seriously protein deprived people, it has somehow affected their thought processes.

Personally, I feel that they should be classified as a terrorist organization.

By the way, I am calling PETA and tell them what you are doing to that fish in your Avvy. ;)

You know what would be awesome? Is to dress a bear up in a bear suit, that way, when someone starts to unzip the suit, they're thinking "Heh...just a stupid bear suit....I should've known."

Then they find a real bear inside and get eaten. That would be really funny.

You really should turn your mind toward solving the secrets of the universe.

I think Kevin is making all this up in an attempt to boost the bear industry.

Gotta stop all those Canadian imports somehow...