I'm cohabitating... would appreciate any advice.
 

Well I did the dumbest ****ing thing possible and fell in love with someone.

Now we're making plans to move in together sometime this coming fall. She's lived with a significant other before, but this is the first time I've ever done it.

So considering how green I am to the whole process, I'd appreciate the ironclad braintrust at the Planet to provide me with advice (preferably from experience) so I don't walk into bear trap after bear trap throughout this ordeal.

Thanks in advance.

Just say no..... give her a drawer, little closet space, toothbrush....

make sure she knows to raise the seat back up after she's finished.
sec

If only we still had tags.

Don't.

Basically, she will take over your place and you have only yourself to blame. Plus, you cannot ask her to leave post-lovin or post-argument.

I'll be doing the same thing as you.....but further down the road.

Best advice I have for you is don't ask for love life advise on the Planet.

:thumb:

Make sure she signs up for her own ChiefsPlanet user account.

What ever you do, never come home and say "honey, your breath smells like pure ass."

That didn't go over to well.

Why are you doing this?

Speaking from experience?

jizz in her noxema bottle

On that note, don't ever come home and left her smell your dik either.

Have plenty of this on hand

http://www.euromast.biz/erg/catalog/...nt_type_4l.jpg

Man this place is slipping

first in with "Print Em!"

I wouldn't do it dude. For the ones I have seen work, I have seen twice as many fail.

Two words: Mutual respect.

It's the fundamental underpinning that has worked for us for many years.

If you're in MO, you don't have to be concerned about common-law marriage. However it is possible (and entirely voluntary) on the Kansas side. Also, if you decide to cohabitate long-term without getting that piece of paper, legal and medical proxies are also something to consider, but you had better be DAMN sure first.

That said, you've got a long way to go before that becomes a concern. Good luck to you both.

Never let her smell yo dick.


In all seriousness, don't take things too seriously.

Hide your porn well...

Create a safe room for yourself..... i.e. tool shed, garage, game room, etc. Do it soon before she turns it into a sewing room....

Sinner.

Ok, now that that's out of the way mutual respect is good advice.

Expect everything to be 1,000 times harder than you would expect. It's going to be a big adjustment for both of you.

As much as possible, when there's a disagreement, try not to take things personally, and do not make them personal.

Make sure only her name is on the lease.

I've never done it. But my friends who have done have not had the best of luck in doing it. Basically its like being married, but every argument centers around her moving out.

I had a chick who wanted to move in with me. I broke it off then and there.

In addition: fight fair.

At some point you'll argue. Don't bring up things from the past.

This is the thread winner. Either get married or don't.

Yep. It's a partnership. Try to make it a contest, and it'll go down in flames. JMO.

That means letting her select her weapon of choice first.

One other piece of advice. Remember this in case of emergency:

http://b.imagehost.org/0646/andycapp2091690080429.gif

:)

I just did this last summer. And after 9 months I can tell you that for me, it's great. Some of the things are true in this thread. She will take over the place, so make a room that is yours, and tell her that she gets the entire place, just not this room.

Also communication is the best thing you can have. Neither of us believe that house work is "women's work". So we both contribute to keeping the place up. The biggest thing for me was that she would ask if I could do something (dishes for instance) and then get upset because I wasn't doing them the way she wanted. I was very clear with her after her first time of her freaking out, that she can ask and I will be happy to help. But she can't have me do something and stand over my shoulder while I do it. Either let me do it my way, or do it yourself. After that, things have been great.

If you're gonna do it though, you have to be able to communicate. Which doesn't mean yelling and screaming. You have to be able to talk to her, and her with you. Other wise you're just setting yourself up for misery.

Could you come over clean our place, please? Feel free to bring your husband along.

Say good-bye to your relationship plans for the future. Most cohabitating relationships don't survive the first year, and of those who go on to get married, they have a much higher divorce rate than those who did not previously cohabitate.

I know one thing for sure. Do not under any circumstances have Roger Clemens over to your house.:evil:

So you do them all I bet :D

How are the whip marks on your back?

JK :D:D

Make sure you both have a VERY CLEAR understanding of how your money works. In other words, who is responsible for what bills, how those bills are split. If one of you makes significantly more money than the other, will there be jealousy if you split the bills equally since one of you will have more left over money to do the things you want to do? Will you loan money to each other? Will you have a "community pot?"

How is the space to be divided up? Are you moving in with her/him, and if so, how much leeway does the movee have in personalizing the new space? People are very territorial creatures; sometimes it is best to find a new place together so you start with fresh boundaries.

How will your time be spent? It is all lovey dovey romantic at first and then your significant other becomes human again and you will want time away from them (and they from you). Can both of you deal with that reality? What about significant dates such as holidays or family get togethers? Are either of you obligated to attend family functions of the other--especially if you HATE their nutjob families?

It isn't easy. Heck, as far as I'm concerned, it is even harder than marriage--at least in marriage, you have the (supposedly) stated committment to each other. Small things will piss both people off over time; do you have what it takes to make it through those rough times? On the other hand, if living together turns out to be a disasterous mistake, it is a whole lot easier to get out of the situation.

Best of luck. You'll need it.

When you are wrong, she'll tell you you're wrong. Admit you're wrong, even if you know you're right.

When she's wrong, keep your mouth shut. Let her figure out she's wrong, and don't ever say "I told you so."

make it clear
If she slips and falls on your jiz in the shower
she only has her self to blame

Sure thing. And right afterwards, I expect your wife to put out, and then make me a sandwhich.

Nothing's for free sir.



Seriously though, I expected these remarks from some on here. Some of you have to be old enough to have been involved in WWII, and thus come from old school ways. And I whole heartidly agree that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can put them down to put 'em out of their (my) misery.

It's not just supposed. Studies have shown that people in cohabitating relationships are much less committed to the relationship, on average, than married people. It's why they're less likely to stick it out when things get tough and break up, and why they're more likely to cheat.

Exactly. There's nothing holding the two together, no formal commitment. It's very easy to p.u. your stuff and walk out.

If you do go through with it, nothing but the best of luck to you, but I hope you can see that it may not be in the best interest of your relationship.

Wow, guess Mrs. Radar and I are the exception then.
We lived together for almost 2 years before I popped the question and will have been married for 10 years in December.

I disagree with this in the extreme. Maybe we're an exception, but we've never needed the state or church to validate or strengthen our commitment. Love, Time, Effort, and Mutual Respect have done that. Without those, no piece of paper is going to mean anything at all.

If you consider that "nothing holding us together"...:shrug:...each to their own.

IMO, that piece of paper has absolutely no intrinsic value whatsoever, nor does it add much. All it does is place some legal obstacles if you decide to break up. If you need those as incentive to stay together in the rough times...as I said, each to their own.

I was lucky. I found the perfect woman and we moved in together 4-5 months after meeting. Had joint checking accounts and everything almost immediately.

Pick the right person and you have nothing to fear.

one of the lucky ones....

First, congrats to you on your successful relationship.

Second, I'm not saying a piece of paper or some authority is what keeps a relationship together, but as Silock pointed out studies have shown that statistically without the formal commitment this setup is not usually the best long term option. Again, as you said love and respect is what it comes down to in the end.

:clap:

Why its a bad idea

Consider the following excerpts from various studies:

• Cohabiting partners "experience significantly more difficulties in subsequent marriages and with issues of adultery, alcohol, drugs, and independence than couples who had not cohabited." Marriages preceded by cohabitation are 50 to 100 percent more likely to break up than those not preceded by cohabitation.(William Axinn and Arland Thornton, "The Relationship Between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Casual Influence?" Demography, Vol. 29, 1992, page 358.)
• Of all sexually active people, married couples report being the most physically pleased and emotionally satisfied. (Robert T. Michael, John H. Gagnon, and Edward O. Lauman, Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1994, page 124.)
• Cohabiting couples have less healthy relationships than married couples. (Jan E. Stets, "The Link Between Past and Present Intimate Relationships," Journal of Family Issues, 114, 1993, page 251).
• Males beating female partners are "at least twice as common among cohabitors as it is among married partners."(Jan E. Stets, "Cohabiting and Marital Aggression: The Role of Social Isolation," Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 53, 1991, pages 669-670)
• The number of cases of major depression per 100 people per year: Married and Never Divorced--1.5; Never Married--2.4; Divorced Once--4.1; Cohabiting--5.1; Divorced twice--5.8. (Lee Robins and David Regier, Psychiatric Disorders in America: The Epidemiologic Catchment Area Study, New York: Free Press, 1991, page 72.)
• A study published in the American Sociological Review found that for couples that cohabit with their future spouses, they explain: "Overall association exists between premarital cohabitation and subsequent marital instability. The dissolution rates of women who cohabit premaritally with their future spouse are, on average, nearly 80 percent higher than the rates of those who do not."
  Neil G. Bennett, Ann Blanc Klimas and David E. Bloom, Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability, American Sociological Review, 1988, p.132.
• The University of California, Los Angeles, published research in The Journal of Personality Assessment, that looked at "problem areas" for married couples who did and did not cohabit prior to marriage. The study found the top three problems that distinguished pre-marital cohabitants from non-premarital cohabitants were drunkenness, adultery and drug-abuse (in that order).
  Michael D. Newcomb and P.M. Bentler, Assessment of Personality and Demographic Aspects of Cohabitation and Marital Success, Journal of Personality Assessment, 1980, p.16
  
• Brown University and the University of Michigan studying the nest-leaving process found that "only those leaving in conjunction with marriage were truly unlikely to return" to their parents' home. However, "cohabitors were very likely to return home for an extended stay," ibid. The study found 20 percent of cohabitants returned home and only 2 percent of marrieds returned. Goldscheider, et al. conclude that "it is difficult to argue that cohabitors resemble married people," ibid., p. 695.
  Frances Goldsheider, Arland Thornton, and Linda Young-DeMarco, A Portrait of the Nest-Leaving Process in Early Adulthood, Demography, 1993, p. 694.
  

This is only the tip of the ice burg. It's not just religious people who say marriage is better, the actual facts speak for themselves. In truth, most women who live with a man before marriage really believe they will marry him. It is supposed to be a kind of "trial marriage". It seems like a good idea at first but it doesn't really work out that way.
Only one couple in five who lives together before marriage actually ends up getting married.

Not to mention its a mortal sin (6th commandment) which leads to damnation.

Don't go in with any expectations. Meaning don't expect it to work out, but also don't go into it like you're the Chiefs and Gunther Cunningham was just named HC again.

That is to say, neither one of you has any idea what's going to happen, and if you expect everything to be perfect, it'll never live up to that, and if you expect it all to go to shit, you'll make it do just that on a subconscious level.

This has been said already, but it's really the key: communicate. All the time. Not just when there's a fight. And remember you're not only lovers, but (I'm assuming) best friends. Don't take each other for granted (that's harder the longer you live together...); neither one of you's a piece of furniture. Oh, and one last thing: it's not 'your place' or 'her place', it's going to be both of your place, and there's an inherent respect there that you both need to have.

Oh, and one more last thing: make sure you both have some time and space to yourselves. You don't want to (literally) spend every waking moment together, 'cause you'll drive each other fucking nuts.

Thank you for all the advice.

I expect it to keep coming in this thread, but thanks for the thoughts.

Getting my own "room"/"space" is particularly brilliant. I'll definitely keep that one in mind.

Thanks for all the forewarnings, too.

good advice right there. listen to that man.

Thanks. I'm certainly not saying it's for everyone, but it works for us. One of the first things we decided was we didn't need the state or a church to validate our relationship or decision. I realize not everyone can approach it in that manner, for whatever reason. I'll also say that if we had reproduced, we may have started looking at it differently.

Thanks for the view from the coocoo for cocoa puffs part of the world.

I would advise you to move in with her first. Because if you are married it's alot tougher to get out of the marriage. This way you can see if you guys work and if you don't more fish in the sea and other girls to date.

I'm doing the same thing Direckshun.

The rules are....there are no rules. Or "correct" advice.

The only thing I can say is you won't always get your way and she won't always get hers. Compromise, fight only the battles that really matter and set the example you want her to follow - do the dishes, take out the trash and pick up after yourself.

Hopefully she'll follow suit.

JUST got mine out, and I could not feel better. Good luck bro. Hope your's is not the psycho mine was. From experience I would have to say that all women are a little crazy. They think way too much.

Like I said good luck. It's gonna be a LONG time before I go down that road again.

You're so fucked.

Careful there man, you're heading down a sure fire way to being called Mr. Mom or some lame shit like that.

1) You can try to hide your porn but she will find it. If you have anything other than a Victoria's secret catalog pitch it in the trash or you will be up all night. While she alternately sobs and screams at you about your fascination with Bridget the midget and Thai lady boy's or so I here.

2) The first time she asks you to do laundry screw it up big time ( same with making coffee) I have never been asked to do either in ten years.

3) Find one thing that you do well and tell her she never has to do it again. (except for bj's and if your really good at that then why is she moving in. I tend to fall of the couch.)

4) Have separate checking accounts

5) Keep an emergency out fund of $1500-2000 dollars secreted away (if you get married make it $5000) to get out of the relationship quickly.

6) Find a florist a have them randomly send flowers for no reason (never when you have done something wrong)

7) Make sure she has her own room for clothes

8) I have done this three times and the last one has been permanent so far.

9) On the first night as you lay in bed look deeply in her eyes and yank the covers over her head for a dutch oven. (if you haven't already)

Ding ding, we have a winner! Same with all the bills, so when you finally get tired of her bitching and crabbing, you can just grab your suitcase and hit the road.


So much for mutual respect.....

Rep - I love the laundry one....

I "do" her laundry once in a while to remind her ehy she needs to do it. Works like a charm.

Definitely the exception :) Congrats :)

what, you bought one of those "real dolls"?


Jaz, really you are right, Direckshun - When you know, you know. If there's a voice behind you saying you're making a mistake, listen to it. Then tell phobia to get out of your house and never ever walk up behind you again....
Unless you liked it, NTTAWWT.

I agree with that.

The fact that cohabitating relationships tend to fail is because of the different nature of the relationship. Each person feels more independent and they develop communication strategies based around that. It tends to be more of a "Is this person good enough for me?" approach than it is a "Am I good enough for this person, or what can I do to be a better partner for them?"

I would seriously advise working on communication. Cohabitating couples don't communicate very well because they're used to the independence aspect of the relationship.

I have a whole Powerpoint presentation complete with research studies and notes if you're REALLY interested in how to give your cohabitating relationship the best possible chance to succeed.

If you truly think it's a dumb thing just show her this thread. I'm guessing the problem will go away.

If my wife and I hadn't lived together before we got married, there is no way that we would have lasted more than six months. I think it's a good way to hit the ground running, and it helps you get used to the quirks and annoyances of another without the full on pressure of marriage.

I appreciate the offer, but we after this many years through good times and bad, I think we're OK. :thumb:

Agreed, communication is absolutely a key.

Sorry, that was for Direckshun :)

Yep, the only reason that stat is so high is because most people get with someone, and even though they can't stand eachother, they think that the only next step is to get married, and maybe their problems will go away.
I was just in this situation, and needless, proud, and happy to say, I am single.

No apologies necessary. Either way, it's kind of you to offer it. It's not an easy road, but no relationship worth having ever is.

Actually, that's barely a reason at all. The underlying problem is the insufficient methods of communication due to the individualistic nature of cohabitating relationships.

Run Sucker run.

the simple messages can be the best

Take my advice

Either:

sign the lease as if you're living by yourself or she signs it herself.

DON'T SIGN IT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!

You make think you are in love and that she is the one but 8-9 months later it could be different.

But that's right when Jr. shows up!

Thank you.

Your draft analysis is going to go down the shitter.

When you feel you have lived together long enough to expand your horizons....make sure you spit on it first.
Don't worry if she fights you at first, she'll be into it once she realizes she can't stop you.

Take all your porn and lay it on your bed. Go to bed completely naked and let her come in and find you in that state. If she stays without bitching she may be a keeper.


It leads to good sex too.







BTW Joie and I are getting married in August after living in mortal sin for 4 years.

And she loves the porn, awesome.....

Been living with my lady for 11 years now. I have to say it's all in the mindset, just like marriage. If you go in thinking that if there is problems then one of you can just get the f%^* out, then that is probably what will happen. If you go in thinking that when there's problems you will work them out, then you will as well. For us after 2-3 years we both realized that the other wasn't gonna pack up and leave we developed a lot more trust and a much better relationship. Here in Colorado the common-law laws are such that we were effectively married from the beginning.

I know....I'll be the perfect wife:D