Letter from Pats fan to NFL Commish
 

how about the text of it

COMMISHUNAH GOODELL, YOU MUST SUSPEND THE FACKING SEASON!


Dee-ah Rawjah Fackin’ Goddell,

It is my-ah understanding that you have nawt suspended the remaindah of games on the 2008 NFL schedule. WHAT THAH FACK AHH YOU WAITING FAR, YOU REDHEADED FACK?!

The events of last Sunday have cast dahhhhk cloud on the entiah NFL. It’s a very dahk cloud: dahkkah than the dahhkest dahhkie that has evah rawbbed a lickah stare! AND THAT’S PRETTY FACKING DAHK!

(cranks POD album)

I cannot see how you can allow league play to continue in light of this incredible facking tragedy. We, the legendary Baston fans, ahhh suffaring! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU NEW YARK Rump RangerGOT?! This is the warst tragedy of ow-uh times. It’s fahhh warse than that 9/11 shit. Sure-ah, those camelfackahs killed lawts of people, but they also took out a shitload of Rump Rangergot Yankee fans, AND NO TEARS NEED TO BE SHED OVAH THAT!

(puts entire tin of Kodiak in top lip and entire tin of Skoal in bottom lip)

This terrible injury that has befallen the great Tawmmy Brady is the worst thing that has ever happened in ow-uh lifetimes, BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO BASTON FANS! WE DIDN’T DESERVE TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO US! WE AHHH THE GREATEST FANS IN THE FACKING WORLD, AND WE DESERVE BOTH YOUR-AH ADMIRATION AND YOUR-AH PITY!

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/...oursupshaw.jpg

(does a 2×20 set of bicep curls on barstool))

That is why, far thah good of us Baston fans, and they-ahfor-ah, far thah good of thah whole warld, you must suspend the rest of this NFL season. The league clearly cannot function if the Pats ahh nawt they-ah fackin’ dawminant selves! CAN’T YOU FACKIN’ SEE THAT! No TRUE football fan would evah want that to happen! You must suspend the games, and play next season with these commemorative patches on every facking jersey!

Your-ah league cannot go on without Tawm Brady! ESPN said so! That’s like the NBA trying to go on without LARRY FACKING BIRD! And look how that turned out! No basketbawl fan wants to see some carnrowed dahkie jungle up the game!

(puts on Bird jersey with no undershirt)

And what kinda facking team would accept thah facking Lombahhhdi Trophy if they did nawt beat the Pats to win it? THAT WOULD NAWT BE A LEGITIMATE CHAMPIONSHIP! IT SHOULD HAVE A FACKIN’ ASTERISK! ASTERISK! ASTERISK!

WE ALL KNOW THAH FACKIN’ PATS WOULD HAVE DAWMINATED THIS YEE-AH IF BRADY HAD STAYED HEALTHY! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Do you really wawnt ot have a league way-uh a team othah than the Pats wins a title? I THINK NAWT! THAT WOULDN’T BE RIGHT!

(spits on immigrant)

If you play these games, you ahhh showing us Baston fans great disrespect! We’ll nevah get ovah it! I may have to punch at least a dozen South Americans just to feel bettah!!! How could you live with yarself, YOU FACK!

Tommy Sr.: Tawmmy!

Dad?

Tommy Sr.: Thah fack ahh you doin’?

I’m writing a fackin’ lettah!

Tommy Sr.: What ahh you, a fackin’ Rump Rangergot? “Ooh look at me! I write fackin’ lattahs I’m like Nat fackin’ Hahhhhtharn!” Get me a fackin’ scawtch and join yar 12 brothahs and 13 sistahs with me at thah bah, yah little quee-ah!!

Okay, Dad! Yar the best Dad evah! Remember when we used to go to Pats games when I was a kid? OW-UH YOUTH WAS BETTAH THAN ANYONE ELSE’S YOUTH!

Tommy Sr.: You fackin’ hated the Pats when you were-ah a kid. Fack you, yah little Rump Rangergot. I wish your whore-ah of a mothah had used a gawddman diaphragm. YOU KIDS AHH USING MY DRINKING MONEY! GET FACKED!

Yeah? Well FACK YOU OLD MAN! I’m my own fackin’ man now! I gawt three jawb applications out they-ah! LOTTA IRONS IN THE FAIH!!!!

Tommy Sr.: Leave me alone, you little facking shit. I WISH I NEVER HAD TO LEAVE MY GAWDDAMN LOBSTAH BOAT.

Gawd, yah gawtta love my Dad, don’t yah, Commish?! Anyway, stawp playing these facking games. No one wants to see a Bradyless NFL. Besides, THE FACKIN’ SAWX COULD STILL WIN THE EAST! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!

Fack you and your-ahs,

Tommy

The only voice I could read this in my brain was Matt Damon.

It's gay anyway...

LOL. Me too

LMAO

say what???? WTF did he say???? dahkkah??? a severe speech impediment. whoever put this together ah toethgetter has to much time on their hands.

I finished the first sentence. Once people start spelling them as Dem or this as dis, i am done reading.

that was ****ing ghey

MAN!

WE INJURED THE **** OUT OF TOM BRADY!

This season is a success.

Almost as gay as typing it "ghey". ;)

Pretty dumb

I agree!

Same here.

No wonder there was so much head shooting in that movie. Seriously, it's the best thing to do with 'em. :D

Yup...I pictured Matt Damon from The Departed...spot on!

I'm waiting for Bernard Pollard's parody video to Sarah Silverman's "f@ckin matt damon"


Hey Bastan don't you know
I hit tawm brady, pretty low.
I have no shame I hafta hide
I was giving yourface masking RB a pig-back ride.

da da da da da
I f@cked up Tawm Brady...I'm sorray but its tarue.
I facked up Tawm Brady....there was nuthin I could do.

In his chin, for the win..
On his knee, down below from where he pees.
On his back, heard it crack
new england fans had heart attacks...
Now he's down. yes its true
da Pats will suck in '08 too.

The most moronic statement I've seen in a long time.

Everyone that didn't enjoy that post from KSK is dead to me. That was hilarious.

Agreed. I laughed my ass off.

You'll like this one as well, then.



God Explains Week 1

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 1 in the NFL happen as they did.

I made the Eagles of Philadelphia destroy the Rams of St. Louis because the people of St. Louis are not righteous, worshipful people. They are ugly, and dumb, and they overeat far too much for My tastes. I see these people late night, sneaking out of bed and going to snack on the birthday cake they have hidden away in the closet. They disgust me. I made man in My own image, and these people are ruining that ****ing image.

I allowed the Saints of New Orleans to get by the Buccaneers of Tampa Bay because it felt right the right thing to do. I also made Reggie Bush score a TD, because I knew if he had a good game, his girlfriend Kim would do her Godly, girlfriendly duties and ride him like a chariot. That’s the one advantage of being all-seeing and all-knowing: You can watch people **** ALL THE TIME.

I injured Tom Brady’s knee because Tom Brady has not been humble before Me. He has been lying in bed with lascivious women of ill repute. He has imbibed wine. He has eschewed his duties to his church in favor of jetting around the world with his tight-bodied little Brazilian strumpet. And frankly, it’s starting to get on my ****ing nerves. No one should be having more fun than me, dammit. I’m ****ing GOD. That is not right. So I snapped his leg like a little twig. Felt great.

I made the Raiders of Oakland lose because Al Davis is a filthy Jew.

Also, I have abandoned Oakland as a whole. It knows what it did.

I injured Vince Young’s knee and made him go bonkers because Vince Young does not lead the kind of lifestyle I approve of. He dances shirtless. He does not praise Me for his good fortune. Worst of all, he does not pray to Me for guidance, and there is no greater sin. I’ve been watching this game for 100 years. I think I know quite a bit about footwork. But does this little shit ever ask Me what I think about his mechanics? **** that guy.

I allowed the Panthers of Carolina to pull out that miracle win against the Chargers of Saint Diego. And don’t tell me it wasn’t a miracle. It WAS a ****ing miracle. I made it happen, okay? I would know.

I made the Redskins lose against the spread because I made a bet against them with Helen Keller. She still doesn’t know I’m God. I told her I’m Warren Zevon. Easy money. I wish they had kept the point spreads in the back of the Bible, like I had originally commanded.

I made the Bengals of Cincinnati lose to the Ravens of Baltimore because the Bengals are unrepentant sinners. They have stolen. They have lied. They have coveted and known the wives of others. Also, one time, I saw Carson Palmer sneak into a back alley and give this really shifty-looking guy a handjob. Real vigorous one, too. Pretty gross. Had to sneak a peek at Brady taking Gisele to Poundtown to help get that image out of My brain.

I also made the Vikings of Minnesota lose, just because I like to screw with people.

Thanks God! Stick around more divine analysis all year long!

Yeah, funny how people still don't believe 9/11 was an inside job.

Some one needs to make an avatar of that patch so we can all mourn the loss of Tom Terrific.

My sarcasm meter isnt working properly, I really hope this was.

Ask and ye shall receive:

Some people need to grow a sense of humor.

Yeah, really. He didn't even realize that the statement he referred to was given by a character who happens to be obviously moronic.

Danke.

Thats' good.

If the US needed an enema Boston is where the tube would go

shit i was about to change my avatar as well. Damn your innovations SaulBadGuy!!!

I adblocked your reeruned sig, Ari, HOW ABOUT THAT BITCH?

(-5799)

Diebold Owns Joo!