Personal advice sought, v. II.
 

I started a personal advice thread that you guys, god bless ya'll, were kind enough to sincerely offer some words of advice.

The thread featured a friend of mine, well a couple friends of mine who are married to one another. The dude, whom I met them through, is cheating on the girl. My friends had for a while slowly started learning about this, and I picked up the news through the grapevine as well.

I talked to a lot of people, ChiefsPlanet included, about what to do. Do I confront my friend the cheater, calling him out privately and telling him to get his act together, or allow the situation to work itself out as if I saw/heard nothing.

Your advice, overwhelmingly, was to "stay out of it."

Well let me approach the issue from the other side.

As I said, I am friends with both of these individuals, including the chick who for all I know is living under the impression that her husband is loyal.

Here's the question: if I do not have an obligation to step in and tell him to cut his shit out, do I NOT have an obligation to alert her to the situation?

I mean it. **** my male friend -- if my woman was cheating on me and my friends ****ing knew about it, wouldn't it be the all-time dick move not to tell me? For them to continue hanging out with me, allowing me to persist believing in something that isn't happening?

Wouldn't you want your friends to tell you if they knew? Or would you prefer them to stay out of it -- even if they knew.

Thanks in advance for the round of advice.

Matter of fact, if your advice is to "stay out of it," I want you to answer this question:

Would you prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your significant other was cheating on you?

Stay out of it.

So you'd prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your woman was cheating.

Or man lover. NTTAWWT.

Dude, that is a tough spot to be in, almost like playing with fire... There are so many different ways you could approach that and most likely all of them wont end well. My only thought is to call your friend out privately between you two. Maybe that will convict him to make changes. IF not then just stay out of it... Talking to his wife could make you look like your trying to.... Well it just wouldnt look good if you know what I mean?

Really if you don't want to deal with what will come of it and you want to stay friends and keep things the way they are, stay out of it. Personally, I'd do something. If she is truely a friend, I wouldn't be able to not let her know.

Remember whatever you do be prepared for the consequences, be that on your conscience or on your friendship.

I should add for the folks that don't know, I'm engaged and we are great couple-friends (you know what I mean) with this particular couple.

It's probably a safe assumption that you're not closer with the girl than you are with her boyfriend, or whatever the **** he is.

My boys would tell me, and I'd expect them to. That's not what you're describing here.

Find something else to worry about, and stay out of it. This is what's best for you in the long run.

If you're disgusted by what you see, time for some new friends.

You swing with them?

At least one confirmed swinger on the planet :)

It's clear that you want to tell her. Just get it the hell over with.

As you slip it in her ass, slowly whisper, "This is what your man has been doing to you for weeks, so I knew you'd love it."

beat me to it

Doesn't matter what the problem is or who's right and who's wrong.
The only person that ends up on the losing side of a couples problems is the 3rd party.
You can take that to the bank.

So you're saying you'd prefer your friends not to tell you if they knew she was cheating on you.

When I found out, I'd be enormously angry with the people who were covering for my cheating spouse, and I probably wouldn't associate with them any longer.

Men and women cannot be friends. /Harry/

The worst that can happen is pain and suffering resulting from lost friendships, watching them go through divorce, a carry affect into your own relationship leading to divorce, a breakdown at work leading to unemployment, leading to a terrible ulcer that results in intestinal damage, that wipes away your savings and forces you to sell your house to pay to keep living, which forces you to homelessness, hunger, and drugs, including a dirty need, which gives you the final disease.

It depends on how tight you are with the guy. If I was pretty tight with the guy and the cheating evidence was 100 percent credible, I'd for sure mention it to him. Now, this should not be a "to catcha predator/cheater" intervention. Just man to man say what you've heard and ask if it's true.
People cheat for a variety of reasons, for men in prolonged situations it is usually because they are either insecure or there is something not right in their relationship.

What is your motivation for talking to him? Is it your friendship with his spouse? Sometimes cheaters are just caught up in the excitement of something new...the new, added attention and take their eyes off the long term goal/security of a marriage, and need someone to add some clear perspective.
Or, they are really in an unhappy situation and should have never been with that person in the first place and might need to make the tough choice to scrap it. But I'd recommend couple's therapy before a divorce for sure.
Either way, if you do bring it up, keep it mellow. Listen more than talk.

He convinced me, Stay out of it!

How good of a friend are you to each individual. I mean... if you had to pick one of them, who would you be closer to?

If the guy: Tell him you know and he needs to cut that shit out. Tell him to man up and either divorce his wife and let her find her own way... or he needs to end it and confess his misdeeds to his wife. She can make her own decisions from there.

If the girl: Tell her what is going on. You are no friend to her if you don't warn her that her hubby might bring home some unwanted disease from his screwing around. Every day this continues... her life is at risk.

*edit

I would be royally pissed and probably cause physical harm to "my friend" if they knew my OL was running around on me and did not tell me.

I'm closer to the guy.

But my fiance is closer to the girl.

Your move.

My move is exactly what I told you.

You are buddies with the guy? Then talk to him.

If he refuses to admit he is ****ing up then it falls on you to let the wife know.

Might it ruin a friendship? Yeah. But really... a guy who ****s around on his wife is no one *I* would want to be friends with anyhow.

How would you feel if his OL wound up with syphilis or even HIV because of this?

Shit... the guilt would eat me alive.

Let your fiance do whatever she wants, then. You keep quiet.

You're not "really" friends with the other girl, if the dynamics of this "couple relationship" are like 99% of the ones I've ever known. The four of you get along and so you kick it. You're friends with the guy and your chick is friends with the other chick. The crossover connection is tenuous at best.

The end result: start looking for new friends.

Its obvious you want to say something. Just get it over with man. I would just stay out of it myself. I guess it would all depend on who i am closer too.

I would ask myself, who would be my friend still if that couple broke up. If you dont think the girl is going to be around after they are done with, its not worth it. You lose 2 friends for something you didn't do.


Like i said, just get it over with, you obvious want to tell her. Only 2 choices, do or dont do. Pick one and go. lol

Tell him to quit cheating on your other female friend, tell him he needs to tell her or you will have to..

Same advice I gave earlier.

It seems like you're seeking absolution from us. Well, seriously, who the hell are we? Do what you're going to do.

You obviously want to tell her, go do it. While it's the wrong thing to do, and she won't believe you if she doesn't want to, knock yourself out.

At the end of the day, no matter how cliche in sounds, you have to be true to yourself. If you would want to be told if it was you, then tell her or talk with him. If not, let it go. If you lose a friendship over doing what is right, then the true depth of your "friendship" with this couple is questionable (on their side).

Completely different subject than what my advice pertained to. I'm sure 99.9% would say 'yes, I would want them to tell me'. However, I wouldn't expect my friends to come right out and tell me. I would expect them to make sure I was aware of what was happening without jumping right in the middle of me and my wifes relationship/problems/ etc. There's a big difference between the two.
The problem I see here is you have a scumbag for a friend. You would never be in this situation if you took responsibility for who you choose to be friends with. I'm sure there is some way to make sure she is aware of what he is doing with out letting either one know you had anything to do with it. Whatever you decide to do dump the scumbag friend you have. Even it it means you can't hang with the wife for awhile. If all of their friends start distancing themselves from him that in itself may get her pointed in the right direction about her husbands character.

I usually don't butt in like this but...

If the guy doesn't know that you know he is cheating, then the first step you take is to have a talk with him. Go about it however you want; casual, heart to heart, whatever. You have to get a feel for what is going on with him. How he reacts to your "talk" will tell you a lot.

You cannot/must not skip this step...

Guaranteed that after you talk with him, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know and consequently will help you make your decision...

What are you gonna do? Tell on him? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there.

I have no idea what this means.

He's basically saying you pick bad friends or someshit, which is total bullshit.

I said before i was in a situation similar with my best friend who i have been best friends with since we were 13 years old. We are now 32. about 3 years ago i was going through some pretty bad health issues and every single day my "bad, adulterer" friend was one of the few that would come even check up on me. Actually, he would come at lunch to check on me and after work. Me and him have been through alot in our almost 20 years as friends. I am glad i picked him as a friend. Yep, same cheating friend, one of the very few that stood behind me when my life was in a bad bad bad spot.

I would first confront the cheater and if he/she didn't stop, then I would tell. And yes, I would absolutely want my friends to tell me if my wife were cheating on me.

Yeah I'd say this. I'd tell the guy that i'm giving him the opportunity to come clean but if he didn't then I would discuss the problem with the wife. I mean really, if you feel the need to cheat, just get out of it and save a whole lot of hardship and heartbreak.

Use anonymous email (like http://www.guerrillamail.com/) to send something like the following...

To: Husband
To: Wife
CC: All Your Friends (include yourself obviously)

Subject: Steppin' Out...

Hey guys,

Who is cheating on who?

Thanks,
-fidelity


Then sit back and have fun watching everything. Forward it on to the couple asking who sent it, what's going on, etc. Anonymously turn it into a side show! If somebody's marriage is gonna go up in flames, might as well do it on YOUR schedule since all the good TV shows are over for the season!
;)

tell your gf, being a woman she will blow the entire shit up... and everyone will know everything.

Stay out of it.

He knows and you know.
That is between guys.

Take and stand and do what feels right to you.
You have to live with youself and he does not.

End.

I've been in a situation where a really good female friend (that introduced me to my wife) was interested in one of my best friends and I sat her down at the bar one night and tried like hell to explain to her the reasons NOT to get involved with my buddy. She has her own issues and he is NEVER going to commit to any woman as far as I can tell.

I talked till I was blue in the face and of course she didn't listen and thought she was going to be the almighty woman to tame the man that all other woman have failed to make happen. (Some woman just don't understand history)

Anyway I have known the guy since I was in grade school and the woman and I met under unusual circumstances back in the early 90's when I stopped drinking and she was a, to a certain extent, co-depedant ex-spouse to an alcoholic. We had a lot in common and a lot to talk about. Needless to say we helped each other through some of the worst times in our lives.

Well the inevitable happened and he broke her heart and I stayed the hell out of it because BOTH were good friends. It IS a conundrum of epic sorts when both are good friends.

Till this day he is still one of my best friends and she barely talks to me anymore. Go figure. But you know what ...... I TRIED TO TELL THE BITCH what was going to happen... But did she listen?

I guess my thoughts to you are this.....Either way YOUR F****ed in my experience.

Hope this helps. :)

So, what does our fiance say? Has she put herself in the other girl's shoes? If she's closer to the girl than you are, maybe she should be the one to tell her. I know I'd take it better coming from another female. I'd recommend telling her together, but she'll feel ganged up on. The decision is yours. If you decide she needs to be told though, I'd definitely try to talk your fiance into telling her instead of you.

You can't be best buds toi both. Pick one. I would suggest the guy.
Posted via Mobile Device

Stay out of it bro hes YOUR FRIEND. You only know HER because of HIM. Why are you getting so attatched and involved in their relationship? But it sounds like you made up your mind on what your gonna do.
Why do we have to explain anything to you as far as us saying "stay out of it." It speaks for itself. Your getting an overwhelming amount of people saying this because the majority have been there and know not to try to fix people. What gives you the right to take action in someone elses matter? Who do you think you are?
Does that make what hes doing right? HELL NO. But stop trying to be DR. PHIL and just focus on your life. This will all blow up in his face eventually.
Your making new threads with questions for people, who are giving you advice...AGAIN, until you hear the answer THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

This is the right thing to do, IMO.

This.

THIS!

I'm late for work, so I didn't read all this, but it depends on who you are closest to. You need to try to salvage whichever friend you are closest to.

You also need to consult your finacee. You two should probably decide as a unit how to address the issue.

Honestly, you are so wishy washy that if you were to truly be a friend you'd just bow out of everyone's lives and live as a hermit in a nice secluded forest.

I would suggest staying out of it.

It's been my experience that most people--despite what they may think or say out loud--do not want to hear news of this nature from a good friend. It's surprising how many times the receiver of the bad news will often come to resent the teller moreso than the person that's wronged them. It's not logical, but it is true.

I see your situation like this: You have very little to gain and possibly very much to lose if you insist on inserting yourself into this domestic drama (although it's pretty obvious that you really want to, as others have already posted)...

Whatever you decide, good luck to all involved.

Back away slowly from the phone...Do not say anything...

You could do it anonymously if you feel you must.

Yup.
Look, if you need to put yourself in the middle of your friend’s marriage go for it. You seem determined to anyway.
But know this, if you do that you’ll be loosing two friends out of the deal. He’ll hate you for being a nark and she’ll hate you for being a friend of the cheater. There is no win in this situation for you.

This.

I would lean on the side of stay out of it.

However, like many have noted it sounds like you want to tell. So, if you do...make sure your evidence is 100% and be prepared for consequences.

Without reading all the replies - don't take the consensus of the board as what you should literally do. I know people have good points to make and are trying to help, but in the end nobody understands the friendships/situation/repercussions involved for any of the parties. If you feel that you really need to talk to the husband and let him know that people know what's going on - then do it. But I would do it discreetly, without threatening him that you'll tell his wife. After all, it's still his life and he has to run it. But IMO you'd be doing him a favour by letting him know it's not a secret.

Am I right in assuming that your fiancee knows what is going on?

Think about if you tell and they work it out, they will both shun you as the person who tried to break them up. Not that she won't appreciate the heads up, but you will lose out in the end when he explains everything to her and they stay together. Been there, done that. Doesn't end well for you. Good luck

How is he trying to break them up? They can't work anything out if she doesn't know.

Why is it so important for you to try to come off as the White Knight for the married lady?

What's funny is the number of people telling him he needs to pull the hubby aside and let him know people know. That's what he asked about last time, and a majority told him he shouldn't.

What I cannot understand is how he is getting away w/ it and she's not seeing the red flags.

Great idea. You and fiancee tell her one night after a few drinks, she will be mad and upset, perfect time for a group hug. Then try to get your fiancee and the girl to start kissing. BING BANG BOOM! After the threesome, you will basically be in the same situation, only you will feel a LOT better about it all.

The couple will talk about this new discovery that you shed light on, he will explain it to her and twist it and say he is sorry. Cheating is not a deal breaker for a lot of people. She will stay with him. Of course they both will stop hanging out with you and you are left scratching your head wondering why you got involved to begin with.

Sometimes people go out of their way not to see them. It's very possible that she knows or at least suspects but is in denial over it.

What's to explain?

"Honey, I found a woman (or two or three) who I was physically attracted to and ****ed them. Sorry I forgot to mention it."

If it was one time, that MIGHT be something you could work out.

I have known a few guys that have done this as well, and they are usually good with smooth talking, that is what helped them get in the situation to begin with. Spouse/whatever forgives the other person and you are bad guy.

All I know is that, if that girl was me and I found out they knew the whole time and didn't bother saying anything just to save their own asses, I wouldn't consider them friends.

Looks like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. If I was damned either way, I'd want to do what I felt was right.

Of course, what D considers right is completely up to him.

I agree w/ Luv.

Peeps do bad stuff to themselves all the time, Mr. Direckshun. You can't get involved in every situation, all the time. Although I bow to your desire to be a good friend, I think this is a personal matter between two peeps and you should allow it to work itself out on its own.

Meanwhile, since you feel as you do, I wouldn't spend time with the cheater guy. I'd write him off. A man who cheats on his woman is a turd extraordinaire and undeserving of friends like you.

FAX

Can I ask if you have a personal interest in this girl?

ROFL What can I say? It's my nature. Imagine being friends with me....it would so piss you off.

Nah. It's cool.

And considering that he's asking the exact same question, worded slightly differently, a couple of weeks later, the question is warranted.

My guess: he's gots a secret that he's having a tough time keeping.

"Imagine being friends..."???!!! Shocked I say, shocked. Imagine my surprise at this depressing news.

Here's my thought on this...

And, I'm saying this because it's apparently eating at you a great deal. If you would want to know and would be unhappy with your "true friends" that knew, yet failed to tell you... then have the conversation with one of them.

If you confront the guy, there's no telling what happens... you'll definitely end the relationship and if you're ok with that, then do it.

Maybe one of the girls "in the know" should talk to his wife, but I'm not sure that is the role you need to play in this one. I think you either need to talk to the guy, or either your girlfriend or one of the other women needs to talk with her.

I've thought about this quite a bit... and if one of my very best friends were cheating on his wife, and I was good friends with both... I would very likely have a conversation with him.

It could be viewed as the total dick thing for me to do, and had this been 10 years ago when I was in my late 20s, I would likely just keep quiet and roll with it. But, now... I'd likely have a conversation with my good friend.

If it were just a guy that was friends with me and as couples we all knew each other, but we were not close... I'd stay out of it.

But, you keep asking about this... so, you have a personal conflict with the issue and while seeking advice is good, either take it and move on or do what your gut tells you to do.

Just be prepared to deal with the circumstances. Crazy things happen and who knows, maybe the wife knows and doesn't care. Sounds odd, but it happens. You're on a slippery slope... make your decision and move on.

And, yes... if my wife were cheating on me and my close buddies knew, yet didn't tell me... I'd be pissed.

Well...I meant RL friends. The kind that email and text and stuff. You know..... oh geez..... I made it worse.

Yep. There's the catch...I don't text.

Alas, we'll have to continue to kick it via the Planet. :)

Wait.....does your fiance not know what's going on?

I would stay out of it...but it sounds like you really want to do SOMETHING....so I would go talk to him and tell him that you know....and that he either needs to divorce his wife or cut the shit out.

yes, because I am NOT ABOUT to pick up the phone and actually call someone.

It's alot harder to portray yourself as a sultry intellect when you sound like a an illiterate trucker.

At least, that's my problem.

Dude's and idiot but pick which friend is more important to you and you have your answer.

There you go.

That's okay. We don't love you for your mind. :D