Other women.
 

I had a discussion last night with my girlfriend about a relationship dilemma one of her closest friends is faced with. These kinds of conversations often serve as firestarters. If a man is too candid he can often represent an opinion that will be superimposed onto his own relationship.

So the two of us were talking about the process of a man "settling down".

I told her about a song I'd been listening to that gives the male perspective of this process. A skit preceded the song. In that skit a man lays out his account of how men always wrestle with the urge to sleep with other women. It was an "inside" conversation. The language was brash, but it was something most men could identify and stand in agreement with. Needless to say, she was repulsed by the idea that men are often desirous of other women. So now I'm in an odd position of having to answer to her about my own desires. I think women have these heart-warming ideas that a man who has committed himself to her no longer has an eye for other women. I think that's patently false.

Gents when you settled down to a monogamous relationship...
Was that a by-product of having sewn your oats or are you simply managing the urge to sleep with other women?

In taking to older male friends I've been told time and time again that the desire to be with other women never goes away...you just manage it for fidelity's sake.

True or false?

When I'm in a monogamous, committed relationship I don't desire to be with other women, only the one I'm with. That being said, my past relationship haven't been 'long-term' and I haven't "settled down" so..

That being said, telling a woman you're with that you desire to be with other women when you're not looking to end your current relationship is not very intelligent.

To some degree this is dead on.
I thought I could have a grown up conversation with my lady and be candid about what men go through.
Now I realize that one other part of making a relationship work is lying to keep the peace.

The primal, instinctive urge never goes away. It might even get worse. But, in my case at least, it's repressed by my love for my wife, the desire to give the kids a stable family and the hesitance to lose half (or more) of my shit.

Not blabbering & lying aren't the same thing.

It never goes away. Lot's of attractive women out there. You might not want to hang out with them for 7 hours on a Saturday, or have them be a mother to your children, but they sure do look good.

I concur. This is what I tried to explain, but the idea that the desire is ever even there sent her over the edge.

True story.

I just wanna be able to speak candidly about my true feelings without incriminating myself in some indirect way. But that comes at a price I 'spose.

for me, those receptors turned off a long time ago.

then again, my wife is hot and I'm in love with her, so it's never been a problem.


....i think it boils down to getting what you need, and taking your commitment seriously..current culture pimps a throwaway society, including relationships.

There is a difference between attraction to other women and a desire to pump them full of man goo. The attraction to other women never goes away. It's simply instinct. Once you are married, the desire to put your wife ahead of heathen desires wins out and you find that you care more about her and your family well being than nailing some hottie just because she has a nice body.

btw, you violated man code by speaking to her about this you know.

This.

Speaking as a 49 year old married male it is absolutely true and Springsteen said it best,"you can look but you better not touch."

And if the feeling does get too strong :whackit:

That being said, you sound like a pretty good dude.

That being said, I agree.

This.

I would add that at a certain point, you find that smoking hot 24 year old aerobics instructor types are just not that into you any more.

I tend to agree. I think anyone who enters into a monogamous relationship is responsible for denying those proclivities for the sake of that commitment. I just don't think a man is a scumbag for having very natural human urges here and there that extend past his partner. It's whether or not he acts on those urges that matters.

Not quite how I said it.
In fact, I never said a word about my own struggle.
I was speaking about men in general.

I know.

:banghead:

....well said.

Wait till she finds out who's beent texting 281-330-8004

Next time, just nod and say "yeah, that rotten bastard".

WHO!?!

Before i dial that, is it just texting, or sexting?

As the guy in the McDonald's ad says..."He's a jerk."

You're safe without revealing anything about your own thoughts as to whether you agree with him.

:thumb:

If my years have given me any wisdom to pass on to those younger than I it's when a woman asks you to share your feelings with her DO NOT go into detail and DO NOT think she has your best interests at heart.

:evil:

100% with you, Mic.

I've been honest like that before and it's always a little awkward. I just explain that it's an instinct hardwired deep in every man's psyche and it's just something that's always there. Doesn't mean that I don't love her or love her any less and doesn't mean that I'm going to cheat on her. Weak men give in to the instinct, the strong ones don't.

Women can be very seductive and it's difficult for men to say, "no" to extreme hotness. The word, "no" and extreme hotness just don't go together well.

But, you can own a Renoir and still admire a van Gogh. The museum probably won't let you touch it, though.

FAX

Desires never go away but a great GF or Wife can suppress those desires greatly by taking care of their man. Men who get great sex at home rarely cheat.

Also, women always claim they want to be open, share your feelings and the truth but the moment you let the cat out of the bag, it's a bad decision. You learned a good lesson and in the future, you probably should hold some things in reserve.

Lets be very clear here. A great GF or Wife feels bad for your repressed feelings and asks her hottest friend to come over for a threesome with you.

That is the key, if the partners are being taken care of by each other, it sure helps keep the desires supressed, and keeps them only as desires. Once one or both is not being taken care of that really increases the desire and the motivation to act on those desires.

Queue Chris Rock's "Fresh Pussy" routine.

So it's the woman's responsibility to make sure her man doesn't cheat. Interesting.

Lesson learned.

Me being able to be forthright and honest isn't worth the argument her and I are having about this today.

:evil:

You are correct sir! LOL

My wife subscribes to her grandfather's old saying: I'll stop looking when I'm dead.

My wife says as long as I'm not cheating, it don't matter. And lookin' ain't cheating.

And its not just men that look. If women claim they do not, they are ****ing liars.

It works both ways-if a guy doesn't spend the time taking care of a woman's emotional needs she always finds a friend who will.....and guess what? It's usually a guy who she winds up sleeping with.

/thread

Semantics. I wouldn't say its her responsibility, but it certainly makes it easier to make rational decisions when we've just recently splooged out the devil voices.

Would she rather have you checking out men instead?

Only one thing in the world is better than pussy- and that's new pussy

It's not her responsibility, but sometimes preventative measures work wonders.

moreso to know what your responsibilities are..the rest will usually take care of itself.

R

damn, I gotta start reading through these threads before posting

Nothing wrong with being honest about it. Many women are secure enough and mature enough to understand and accept a man's primal urge. It's a daily battle for us as most reasonable people know. But it might not be the thing she needs to hear from YOU. You just have to figure out what she's able to hear and not hear. It's a lifelong quest in figuring those things out. How long you been with this girl?

partially disagree.. if someone is staying faithful just for the kids and the stuff, that compromise will eventually find its way to the surface.

I will always put my wife first, kids second...and they know it.

Don't think anybody said that but it's never a shock to discover the bedroom life sucks when one partner steps out. Don't make your man wait more than 72 hours and do something other than missionary every third time then he's going to be fairly happy in that department.

No man ever manages the urge other women. It is in our DNA.

But we're also not animals and you have to consider the impact of your actions, i.e. potentially ruining the lives of other people, kids, etc.

I think you skipped something in his post. That's the way he wrote it - in that order.

Another big lesson for you-if you talk to her tonight DON'T tell her "I was discussing this today with all my friends on the Chiefs Planet to get their opinions"

You will be deeper in the doghouse and on double secret probation for an extra month!

LMAOLMAO:LOL:

She needs to read that book....
Women are from Mars, men are from....somewhere they wish had lots of hot and horny women.

Bullshit. You don't Look at other women? Riiiiight. Bet you stop watching porn altogether too, but huh?

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I kind of just go with this philosphy & I've been devorce twice and am single in my late 30's fwiw.

I think a person has to be happy with themselves before they can make any one else happy & it's impossible to understand women so just love them as they are or leave them that way you don't become a miserable smuck.

You nailed it right on the head!

LMAO

I prefer to subscribe to the 48 hour rule but when the wife and I first started going to church several years ago, she heard the 72 hour rule during a break-out session at a marriage conference and has followed it closely ever since. I added the missionary portion.

Every woman on earth needs to read this. Doesn't sound so difficult does it?

I prefer the 24 hour rule, but 48 is a good compromise. 72 is stetching it. Any more then that is an F-.

There's a lot of truth here.

I think if you work at it, you'll gain a better understanding of why women do the stuff they do. We men do some screwy stuff too - and they have to figure out why we do our stupid things too.

Disagree with the leaving part. I believe if you consider that an option at any point, then your relationship is doomed anyway.

If I had worded it that clumsily I'd understand.
If I had given my own personal account of my struggles with fidelity...I'd understand.

This came on the back of me talking, in general terms, about someone else's relationship.
And the dealbreaker was her hearing this very "inside" male conversation about the subject.

Not to be overly nosey but does she instigate?

I only ask because we went to a few of those conferences and I could've swore I heard it's a two way street,the woman needs to let the man know he is also still desired and therefore take the wheel once in a while.

For people who have been married longer than a couple years, every 72 hours would be a huge improvement. I have a neighbor who gets it about once a month. I've had friends who get it 2-3x a year. I've known married couples who don't do it for a year or more. That is just not cutting it at all. I don't think I've ever gone more than a week - even when my marriage wasn't quite as good as it is now.

Where did I say I don't look at other women? Seeing a woman and noticing/acknowledging she's attractive is not the same thing as desiring to bang her.

She sounds pretty insecure. Might work out in your favor if you play your cards right.

Examples, please.

intentionally..that first part makes the other parts a non-issue.

hence 'partially disagree'

It's rare if not impossible to find a significant other who you can be totally honest and open with. Most of the woman I have dated have been hypocrites when it comes to looking at other people ect. They hate it when I do it but get upset and call me jealous or insecure when I point out they're doing it. People are genetically programmed to look for mating partners and them genetics run deep.

You know my wife. She's a very strong and assertive woman. If tonight is not the night, I can change her mind once in about 10 times. I learned that early so I don't even try on 10% odds any longer. I'd go almost every night but obviously that's not incredibly realistic when you've been married 10 years so we've kind of figured out non-verbally when it's "on". If we didn't do it last night, I'll make a move. If we didn't do it last night or the night before, I know we're on unless I've been a dick that day. Heh.

Well, the key one is that we have to feel respected. If we feel disrespected for any reason then we turn into pathetic children. Respect isn't nearly as important to women so they don't understand why it is so integral to our existence.

Micjones. The mistake you made was talking about that or any urge.

Honestly what good does it serve to share that? Nothing.

Words of wisdom:
"I've never been hurt by something I didn't say." - Calvin Coolidge

Oh - I get it now.

Ahh, makes sense. Also, I learned from you a long time ago to fight the urge to fix their problems when they come complaining to us about their stupid shit at work. It's so hard to just sit and listen and nod and agree. ARGHHHH!

Actually I should've said shift the clutch once in awhile because after 26 years of marriage my engine needs a little nudge to get into gear from time to time. :)

It's not?

As in respected as the man of the home,the one with the answers etc. We men need to feel that and if a woman can make us feel that she more than likely gets what she wants without demanding it.

If I'd spoken explicitly about my desires I'd agree.
That's NOT what happened. We were talking about another couple entirely.
And I spoke about the process of a man settling down.

Not in the way that it's important to men. No, not even close. You want to feel close, feel loved. If you feel distant for any reason to your man, you're not going to want to get naked with him...

Everything changes when you've been with somebody a long time. All the new dating or new marriage assumptions turn into work in maintaining a relationship.