Emails From an A**hole...
 

These are really funny. Anyone seen these before?

A guy has bogus/fake email accounts and posts replies to Craigslist/classified type ads. Don't know how much of it is real as far as people's responses, but either way it's still funny. Read them at the link below...

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

I'll copy/paste the first one I LMAO to


Background story on this email is a guy posted an ad for needing a Japanese translator to help him understand a troubleshooting manual for a CD stereo he bought, but the manual is in Japanese and he can't read it.

That's where this asshole comes in, he starts ****ing with the guy by responding from multiple email accounts.


Glorious Master Translator
Posted at: 2012-04-23 17:29:34 | 481 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
I need someone who speaks japanese to help me translate something. wont take too long. please email me ASAP!

From Me to ************@***********.org:

Hi! You need Japanese translate? I Chan, I help you with translate.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

hey chan. so ok heres the deal. my cd player suddenly stopped working and i cant figure out why. for some reason the only manual i have is entirely in japanese. i took a pic of the page im pretty sure its the trouble shooting part. can you see if it says anything about no sound coming from the output?

http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/troubleshoot.gif


From Me to Scott *******:

Ok, I find three thing may help you:

"Failure of Sound from Device"
"Skipping of disc for poor sound"
"Sound volume low very much"

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

umm..what does it say for the failure of sound one?

From Me to Scott *******:

"Hello and thank you for chose glorious master CD player! Apologies many for trouble of product. To fix failure of the sound, follow step:

1. Unplug glorious master CD player
2. Plug glorious master CD player back in"

I hope this help!

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

that doesnt help me at all. is that all it says?

From Me to Scott *******:

Oh no! Very sorry. There more steps to help you! Here:

"If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:

1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again

If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku."

I hope you banish audio demon! Much luck.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf? does it really say that?

From Me to Scott *******:

I just translate what you give.

From Scott ******* to Me:

no way it says that. what kind of useless manual is this? how is that supposed to help anyone?

From Me to Scott *******:

Very sorry, audio demon big problem with many CD player! I have sword, much sharp, good for seppuku. You want borrow?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf are you talking about. an audio demon? this is BS. are you screwing with me?

From Scott ******* to Me:

did i send the wrong page? i think this is the table of contents. can you look at this and tell me which page is the troubleshooting one? then ill send you that one

http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/toc.gif

From Me to Scott *******:

That no table of content, that Sushi take-out menu! Try #16, Spicy Salmon Roll! Much delicious!

From Scott ******* to Me:

..........ok buddy. thanks for nothing you jackass.


He then continues to do the same shit to the guy but with another email account


From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hey there,

I saw your ad and think I can help you. I majored in Japanese in college, speak it fluently, and lived in Miyazaki for two years.

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

thanks so much mike. i was talking to someone else for help, but idk what his problem was. dude kept sending me all this BS. anyway my cd player isnt working and the manual is only in japanese so i need help reading the troubleshooting part. i think the attached picture is the table of contents, could you see if it says what page the troubleshooting part is on and then ill send you that?

http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/toc.gif

From Me to Scott *******:

You sent me a sushi take-out menu. Are you sure you have the right documents?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf!!! i dont know what is going on! it has a picture of the cd player on the front and then this is the next page. why would they put a sushi menu in there?

From Me to Scott *******:

Japanese instruction manuals are not like the American manuals you are used to. They often include advertisements, and I guess in this case, a sushi menu. Looking at it closer, it says "Thank you for purchasing this glorious master CD player. Why not order sushi while you enjoy music?"

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

well that is dumb...whatever. i think this page is the troubleshooting part because of the tables. am i right? do you see anything about there not being any sound?

http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/troubleshoot.gif

From Me to Scott *******:

Yes, this is the right page. It says to unplug it and plug it back in.

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

yea i did that. nothing. is that it?

From Me to Scott *******:

Well, you're not gonna want to hear this, but it says your CD player is possessed by Amanojaku, or "audio demon." You should light three candles and pray to Benzaiten, the god of music.

Mike

From Me to Scott *******:

Scott? Were you able to banish the audio demon?

:LOL::LOL::LOL:

That is awesome.

I read his responses in my best Kim Jong il Team America voice.

ROFL

Best thing i have read all night :thumb:

These are great.

That is fantastic.

LMAO
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=84

Childhood Classics
Posted at: 2011-07-12 06:54:03
Original ad:
Wanted - CHILDRENS DVDS
Movies wanted for children aged 5 and up - will take all unwanted DVDs!
From Me to *********@**********.org:

Hey there!

I'm trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I've had since I was a kid. The movie stores won't take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I'd love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Mike - Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?

From Me to Julia ******:

Julia,

Here is the full list:

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Alladin
Backdoor Creampies 2
Beauty and the Beast
Big Black Threesome
Fantasia
Finally 18 and Legal
The Lion King
Mattress Slaves 3
The Mighty Ducks
Toy Story
Wet Squirters 5

Please let me know which ones you want.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Mike...some of those titles are inappropriate.

From Me to Julia ******:

Julia,

Which titles are inappropriate?

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

I think you know which ones...

From Me to Julia ******:

Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with "The Scorpion King," the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King.

I hope this clears things up.

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

No...explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.

From Me to Julia ******:

Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films.

You've really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I'll find the plot summaries for you.

Backdoor Creampies - Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen - selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn't all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.

Big Black Threesome - Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.

Finally 18 and Legal - A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.

Mattress Slaves 3 - Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)

Wet Squirters 5 - The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.

Once again, I hope this clears things up for you.

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try.

From Me to Julia ******:

Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children's movies. So do you want them or not?

By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:

Toy Story 2
James and the Giant Peach
Walt Disney's Double Penetration Cockblasts 3

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Okay I've had enough of this. You are a nut.

From Me to Julia ******:

Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.

From Julia ****** to Me:

Go to hell.

Best shit ever!

ROFL oh man ROFL

Great stuff. I love his description of his Bronco in The Shaniqua Chronicles.

Reminds me a bit of Don Novello's "The Lazlo Letters." His targets were corporations, but the put-on was similar. (Novello is also Father Guido Sarducci.)

well they'll prolly miss outt .....

LOL

That site is comedy gold. The one about the studio apartment had me rolling...

Ok, one more LMAO gun lovers will enjoy this...

LMAO "If you look closely..."

This is the best thread ever. I am ****ing crying laughing. The guns are awesome. The picture of the gun in the cup had me dying...."at first glance it looks like a normal party cup" ROFL

"Still thirsty for justice?"

ROFL

I've only read the few quoted in the thread so far.. LITERALLY in tears.

Add me to the list of literally crying while reading these. Holy crap I can't stop laughing!

ROFL....I can't stop laughing. I've been on this guys site reading these for the past hour laughing my balls off. My pillow has a wet spot from my tears rolling down my cheek, I shit you not. I am not stopping anytime soon so I will probably be dead tired at work tomorrow lol.

The special Olympics hockey instructor ROFL

Very old and Q but still funny.

I came across this guy from the concealed weapons one posted in a gun forum. Good stuff, they're rumors that it is all fake but still hilarious regardless, if you go through his archives it is good for some laughs.
Posted via Mobile Device

Literally laughing my ass off.

that dude is hilarious, ROFL

I read all of these to death about a year ago, but I'm dying all the same.

The one with the TV is out of control.

Well....I kinda thought so too, but if you read his FAQ portion of the site, he says that only about 1 out of 10 people actually respond to his bullshit, and even then he only posts the good ones.

I was thinking the same thing...

LOL at "the only sport he'll be playing is shitting in a bag"

wow. what a great find.
there goes todays productivity!

the special weapons one was killer.

"If you look closely, you'll notice..."
"Still thirsty for justice"..."

This is my favorite one ROFL...."you can pour your enemies a cup full of lead"

EVERY SINGLE ONE is ****ing hilarious. Not one has been remotely close to being unfunny.

Unfunny.

Great. So this should be your last post in here. Good riddance.

I've only read the first one so far, but that is the hardest I've laughed in a long, long, time. ****ing brilliant!

LMAO Sushi menu...

FYP

Get used to hardcore laughing because you'll be doing LOTS of it.:thumb:

None of them are as good as the first one yet, but there is some funny shit on that site.

This is ceaselessly entertaining.


For awhile I was putting up craigslist ads for bizarre shit just to see what people would respond. Basically trying to get crazies to come to me. It was fun.

My favorite ad was where I was looking for a black friend, because I wanted to broaden my horizons. I attached a pic of myself as a 19 year old blonde. That good some good run. :)

LMAO Oh my god

Best part is he backs it with a second, completely different character, and confirms the audio demon. f'ing hilarious.

That's exactly where I lost it. ****ing brilliant.

The Horse Glue Factory one is hilarious too.

I just read "Be A Man" ROFL ROFL ROFL

LMAO

anyone besides me gonna make a fake email account to **** with people?

OMG this is effing hilarious!

If you look at the ads on the side of the page, I guess there's a book you can buy that has tons more of these.


almost thinking about buying it LMAO

I'm at work and can't help busting a gut. This is the funniest stuff I've read in awhile.

Jfc I can't stop laughing. My abs hurt

LMAO

Prolly fake, but funny nonetheless.

This guy's blog is pure gold.

A great laugh to break up the workday.

Check out some of his others if you haven't.

not just funny stories.....great ads.
yes....I would.

http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com...86687093782133

this guys is still around? I remember seeing these a few years ago. Pretty amusing.

This one is awesome

I tried to do it on this site to another user earlier today.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=263593

Even if they're all made up, they are still hilarious reads. There's something very Demonpenz-esque about them. I wonder if penz has any cousins in Philly.

I got one going now, she replies fast, still a work in progress. I am the one and only, Jessica Barfield. Brunette and loves to work a deal on craigslist.

original post



http://boston.craigslist.org/sob/ele/3269900518.html

me

Hello,

I came across your ad on craiglist for the TV for sale. That looks like something I might be interested in. How old is it? Does the VCR on top come with it?

Thanks,

Jessica

her

I bought it from bestbuy 5 years ago. Still works like new. The VCR isnt included no.
let me know if you're still interested

me

Yes, I'm still interested. But without the remote, I feel like the VCR would be a good substitute. You can keep the movie that is in it though. I have a wide collection of VCR films and my VCR recently broke. But $40 is a little steep for a 5 year old Sanyo TV. So what do you think about $20 for the TV + VCR combo?

Thanks,

Jessica

her

the vcr isnt for sale. its my daughters. a universal remote works fine with the tv. i've tried it with one just to check.
i've researched the prices on the same tv online and 40 is below the normal listing price.

me

So you do have a remote for it? Why exclude it?

People can ask whatever price they want, what matter is what people are willing to pay. So without the VCR that was included in the picture, how about throw in the universal remote you mentioned and l think $10 is reasonable for the TV + universal remote.

What do you think? Do we have a deal?

Also, I don't have a car, would you be willing to drop it off at my job in Dedham?

Thanks,

Jessica

her

The universal remote is being used with my other tv. This is the tv that im getting rid of because i bought a bigger tv. Just the remote was 20$ when i bought it 2 weeks ago.
I listed the tv at 40$ if you're not interested in the tv for the price posted or even a reasonable lower price than that is fine. the listing has been up for less than an hour.

me

I think we can work a deal. What type of TV is your other TV? Perhaps I'd be more interested in that for $40. Can you send a pic of it?

her

Other TV isnt for sale. are you ****ing joking?

me

I never joke when it cums to doing business. I'm still interested in the Sanyo. What type of shows or movies have been watched on it

her

thats funny, i only watch it when i WANT to cum. preferably threesomes with huge black dudes. tv's been thoroughly 'used'. for 80 dollars i'll include a pair on fundawears. we got a deal?

me

did you know that I am a Jehovah Witness? It matters a lot to me what type of shows have been watched. In my religion you may not watch a TV that has been riddled with sin, such as the pornography you have mentioned. I don't know if you were joking or not, but I am seriously offended right now. I thought we were going to make a deal.

Perhaps you should consider your daughter that you mentioned. What will she think if she finds out her mother likes to have threesomes with black dudes? You need some serious help.

If you are not serious about selling, please don't waste people's time posting on craigslist.

But if you were joking and the TV has not been contaminated with sin, I would still be interested in it if you include an apology.

her:

tv is 40dollars. if you want it then let me know. if not. then stop emailing.

me:

If you would have apologized, I would have had two, twenty dollar bills ready for you for that Sanyo. But since not, I don't.
Good day Sir

Shouldn't it be funny or humorous in some way?

it's getting there, it's updated. She knows I'm ****ing with her now. But a pretty good reaction at the end.

LMAO ... Not bad at all for your first one. I'm definitely gonna give this a whirl soon. When I do ill post it.

Ahh the pic of the tequila bottle in the crib was too much. People are staring at me

I'm grabbing this guy by the horns

Still going...

Ad:
http://boston.craigslist.org/nos/for/3258031625.html
me:

Hello,
I came across your ad on facebook. I'm interested in this piece, would
like to know a little bit more before I make a purchasing decision. Has it
sold yet?
Thanks, Jessica

him:

Still have it, you want to come look at it
me:

Mostly I would like to know of it's origins. See I am a historic art appraiser and believe it or not, the type of bull that it comes from matters a lot when determining a value. Do you know anything about it's history?

him:

I don't know history. Sorry
feel free to tell me what you think i have.
thanks

me:

That's ok, I can tell easily from the photo that it is the skull from a Corriente Bull, this bull originates from Spain and is a less aggressive bull, which makes them great for amatuer rodeo's. This skull is a highly desired piece because of it's rarity in the United States. If you tried to sell this in Texas, you could get a lot more than what you are asking.

Now I could have easily purchased it from you for your asking price, but I wouldn't feel right about it. I would like to offer to help you sell it at auction. I take 20% commission on the sale price.
Let me know if you are interested.

Thank You, Jessica Barfield

him:

how much do you think it would sell for?

me:

Back in the Civil War, spainards helped the USA by providing us with Cattle to feed the troops. The Corriente Bull was brought over here, only 20 of them! Since then, all that remains in the US for Corrienthian bulls are ancestors of those Civil War bulls. Anything tied to the Civil War increases value.
The skull you have is highly desired. You will never see the skull of a Corrienthian bull on display in Spain, they burry the bull when it dies, it's something that they would never do because they take great pride in their bulls, running with the bulls is what they are famous for!

You don't see Corrienthian bull skulls often, they are very rare. If I advertise this for you at an auction, this would attract all types of collectors such as rodeo and civil war collectors. 20 years ago, a Corrienthian bull skull sold at auction for $11,250. Now that was back then, the economy was much better and people had more disposable income. Now, I don't think it would get quite that much. But I think it could get close to $7,500. But you never know! If you could get 3 or 4 bidders, the sky is the limit!

Selling at auctions isn't easy, people who would buy this have to know about it. That's where I come in, I've been in this business with my father ever since I graduated high school and I showed him this find and he got mad at me because I didn't just buy it for your asking price, lol. I could help you sell this. 20% commission is what I ask.

I hope you are interested!

him:

Whats your business name and do you have a store? I wouldn't mind meeting you and seeing how the whole process works.
thanks

me:

My father and I work out of our house, we are successful with what we do. But we live on a ranch and have operate out of our home, my father has always ran his business this way. The name of our business for tax purposes is Barfield Auction Hunter, llc. We don't even have a website, I'm still trying to convince him that a website is a good idea but he's very old-school.
I would definitely like to arrange a meeting, but since this is craigslist I ask for a public place.

Are you able to get to downtown Boston? Jacques Cabaret on Broadway is my favorite place to do business, it's elegant. My treat of course.
Sincerely,

Jessica

him:

I can go to where ever you want to go but I prefer to do all business transactions in private, so i suggest your place. I feel that if we are attracted to one another why not mix business with pleasure. I'm not concerned about your father as you said he old school, that just tells me that he willing to seal any way possible. I will need to bring my driver with me as I don't drive, and I will need for you to front me some cash or a check to pay for gas and tolls over to you, as you were going to pay dinner anyway I'm sure you wont have a problem with it.

Whats the matter Bump!!! Can't respond back when the joke is on you!! I knew it was you as I am a member of chiefs planet too.... So, I guess in the long run your the one who got punked!!!! I guess your a sore loser.... HA ha ha



ROFL I'm guessing one of you guys emailed him? nice move, touche.

niiiiiiiiiiiice LMAO

I think I need a guy and a girl for email, the one with the bull skull would have been better if he thought I was a dude.

Nice!

Reminds me of 27bslash6.com

If you've never been there, I highly recommend it.

Thank you for directing me to this site. I remember seeing the "gun" emails...but oh man, I didn't know there were more!!!

This has potential

ROFL

I have no doubt that I got punk'd on Craigslist a few years back. This guy listed a large flat panel tv on there and I sent him a reply, (I don't remember what brand/size the tv was, but it was stupid cheap). Anyway, he replied back w/ a phone number so I could call him and we could work out the pick-up. I called him and he told me that him and his buddy were just moving the tv out of his living room and his buddy dropped it. I said something along the lines of, "are you ****ing kidding me... well, that sucks". He went on to tell me that the entire screen was smashed in and that he was truly sorry.

If it was indeed a joke, that shit was not funny. :harumph:

"Whats the matter Bump!!! Can't respond back when the joke is on you!! I knew it was you as I am a member of chiefs planet too.... So, I guess in the long run your the one who got punked!!!! I guess your a sore loser.... HA ha ha"


this is the last email I got from the guy about the bull skull. Who emailed him? lol, but nice move hahaha

I haven't laughed that hard in so long, that is some good stuff!

This one had such great potential!!! But she's freaked out I think, not hearing back


The Baby Casket

The Ad:

http://boston.craigslist.org/nwb/atq/3252385689.html

me:

Hello,
I see your ad on craigslist and I'm very interested in that baby casket. Is it still for sale?

her:

This is a doll cradle and it is still available
Carol

me:

oh, my apologies. I'm glad to hear it's still available!
How long is the cradle? 3 feet at least? I think that would do.
Do you know how old it is?

her:

It was my sisters as a kid and she in late 40s I will have my hubby measure it when we get back home

me:

ok thank you very much!
It looks about 2-3 feet from the picture, hard to be sure. Not a deal breaker if it's not.
So what type of dolls were used previously in this casket?

him:

nope its 20" as it is for dolls
sorry thanks for inquiring
Brian

me:

20" is ok with me. I would just need to add some bedding to it, which would probably run me $20 or so. Would you be willing to go down to $10?

Baby casket ROFL

this. hahahhahaha. Try numba 16! Very derlishus!

This is way more fun than I thought it would be.

I need better reactions out of people, I think it's a numbers game. Most just stop replying altogether once it gets weird.

But I hope this lady emails me back, but I don't think she will.

Swallow my Cat

She was trying to sell this cat thing for $20

http://i1106.photobucket.com/albums/...lowmycat-1.jpg

me:

Hello,
I came across your ad for the cat house. That is something really cool man. It's like a fish that swallows the cat, woah.

Where did you get that?

her:

Purchased in Palm Beach at pet store. Where are you located?

me:

I'm located in Waltham, what about you? where are you located?

her:

I am in Weston, next town over.

me:

oh cool, so what type of cat used to sleep in it? I have a bengal, she's a small little one. Looks like a nice spot for her. Can the mouth of that, what is it, a fish? Can the mouth close?

her:

The mouth doesn't close. The house is a leopard print with a big mouth as the opening. It's a cat with cat-fish resemblance b/c of the mouth.

I have a Coon cat who prefers the bed. He's too big now. I got the house when I was in Florida, but the cat just looked at it.

It's adorable, good for a smaller cat who like to sleep in cozy places. Decorative for the house, different

me:

From the looks of it, I could easily sew a zipper on the mouth so it can close. About how big is it exactly? would you say about 1.5 feet long? I'm sure I could put my cat in there and close the mouth with the zipper that I will install on it.

Would you consider doing $10 on it?

her:

NO

me:

What about $15? I really like it and I think it would be perfect for what I'm trying to do.
Thanks

lol I got one lady to increase her price from $75 to $275 haha and I got a guy to draw a picture for me on the etch a sketch he was trying to sell for $5 haha, I'll have those printed when they are done.

You're getting good lol.

Was looking for this to posts as a response. Had no idea it was the same guy. funny stuff. It's about 5 years older or more I believe though. Still funny.