Gonzo vs. Big Retail
 

Whoever thought this process was a good idea needs to be hung by their eyelids...

A few days ago I needed to purchase some applewood discs for my electric Bradley smoker so I could smoke a turkey for an office thanksgiving party. The following is the chain of events that took place at this large retail sporting goods store: I'll not mention the name of said store but for the ease of storytelling, we'll call it Cadella's.

I enter Cadella's at approximately 09:45 CST for one item, a box of Bradley Applewood Smoking Biscuits. Upon entry, two elderly gentlemen (approximately 65 years old) look at me with a ravenous, predatory smile. Both of them were wearing upland hunting gear, (blaze-orange hats, bird vests, plaid shirts and burr-proof pants) which always baffles me.

My feeble attempts to ignore them and not make eye contact proved worthless. The first geriatric greets me with a, "Good morning sir, do you have a Cadella's club card?" I reply with a polite, (yet blunt) "No, I don't."
The second 'greeter' then asks me if I would like to sign up and save 25% on today's purchases.
To this I give another stern, (yet polite) "No thanks."
The first gomer then says, "Really? It only takes a few minutes."
I reply with, "I don't have time nor am I interested., thank you."

It was like I kicked them both in the testicles. They couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to sign up for their awesome ****ing 'Club Card'. I felt as though I was going to get tackled and forced into a dark room for "Reprogramming" i.e. A Clockwork Orange. It took an amazing spin-move that would remind some of a young Earl Campbell to get by these two elderly statesmen. I'll never be able to prove it, but I could've sworn I saw one of them talk into the cuff of his plaid shirt and say something like, "The rooster is in the henhouse, all units converge." Meh, could've been my imagination.

I began progressing to the rear of the store when I decided to take a slight detour and check out the used gun area. (I am a collector of Browning Automatic Rifles and older Ithaca/SKB shotguns.) Behold, there was a 12 guage Ducks Unlimited model Ithaca XL900 for sale. (Of which I have two but I need to prep for the upcoming apocalypse, right?) Pricetag?
$550
GET THE **** OUTTA HERE...

I move on, not even tempted to try haggling with these douchers.
Eureka! Found what I needed. One box of applewood left. Time for a strategic exit.
Now then, what year is this? 2012...right?
This is the age of instant gratification and self check stations. Amirite?
NOOOOO, **** no.
I figure Cadella's must recruit their cashiers from the local VFW post or the Omaha Lutheran retirement home. These guys are older than the two "Greeters" by a good 10 years.

A side note...
Listen, I respect my elders. Especially our greatest generation. But these guys don't need to be operating today's sophisticated registers. They really don't.
Anyway, back to business.
I assess my situation. Three open registers, (out of at least 20 that could be running) and all three of them have a line of at least two people waiting and one processing. The lag was excruciatingly slow. I picked my line and waited... And waited...
Someone slid in line behind me and I asked them if they packed a lunch.
FINALLY! My turn. I place my one item on the table and Edward, (my spry, 80 year old cashier) asked me if I found everything ok.
"Yes."
He then picked up the box and went to scan the bar code. Before doing so he flipped the box over and read the label. "Applewood Smoking Biscuits, what are these fur?" (He said 'for' like 'Fur')
"My electric smoker." I replied. I figure about now my face must be almost purple with anger.
"Huh?" Edward tilted his head so I can speak right into his hearing aid.
"MY ELECTRIC MEAT SMOKER!" I was almost yelling.
"Oh, those werk purty good?" He asked.
The heat coming off my head could be used to defrost a walk-in freezer by now. I could see a seizure in my future.
"It does alright." I muttered. At this point, a seizure would be welcomed.
Finally, ol' Eddy scans the box. He turns to me and asks, "What's your phone number?"
WHAT. THE. ****.
Right?
Screw it, I'm not going to fight anymore. I give him my fax.
He enters it, (after I repeat the last four digits, twice).
Then it happened.
"Are you a Club Card member?"
I could see a slight grin and I knew instantly. Those two bastards from up front had me ID'd and told old Eddy to give it the old college try, one more time.
I could smell burnt matches, 'must be having a stroke.' I thought.
"N-N-No, I'm not." I sobbed.
"Well, if ya got a few minutes, you could save 25% on this here." He said.
Well friends, let me say. If I had been armed I might have been on the 10:00 pm news that night.
I don't condone acts of random violence like that, but I understand it.

After nearly blacking out, I exited the facility at 10:30 a.m.
10 minutes of legitimate shopping, 35 minutes of waiting, being hassled, harassed and just verbally beaten. You just cannot possibly run in and out of this place to get what you need. You have to go through hell for a 20 dollar box of applewood.
But hey, I saved 25% which is cool.

I like Cadfields better than Cadella's.

You need a stress release
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You could have gotten 25% off of their best price on a used 12 gauge Ducks Unlimited model Ithaca XL900 and a box of shells, but I guess they would have had your fax number to track you down.

lol .. this story reminds me of when I was 16 working @ an arcade/lasertag arena. I'm not sure if ol boy was hurtin or just bored, but he was a friend of the owner I think. So they got this legit 70+ year old working the food court. I used to get such a kick out of the whole situation. Poor guy couldnt even stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time.

This wouldn't have happened at Cass Bro Shops.

dude you need some weed man. You are way too worked up about that lol.

That's no shit. I'll be going there from now on over in Bouncil Cluffs.

Don't forget the 20 minutes to bitch about it on CP.

Ya spin a good yarn thar, fella.

Dude, 45 minutes to buy a box of wood. Really?

You cant blame those Julius Geezers for doing their job, as they try to figure out why this young hothead doesnt have the time to save 25%!... AND try to figure out that dadburned register at the same time.

Just imagine the talk they all had after you left LMAO... "baaahhh, these kids"

I spent 2 hours in Best Buy last Christmas to not buy a laptop. Basically melted the clerk's face with my stare, and caused birth defects in his offspring with the hate rays emanating from my pores.

Wait a minute, you live in Dellevue, which closer to Bouncil Cluffs. Why the **** did you drive clear out west to begin with?

Bet Pee-ole was the manager.

try returning something at Sutherlands some time. No bar codes. They review the receipt, write up a ticket, frank the ticket in a register, attach a receipt, and give you your money back. Takes 15 minutes every time, no exaggeration. I've decided it is no longer worth returning anything under $10.

box of weed maybe - BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ironically while reading thread - a Cabela's commercial was just on ESPN.

Somewhere on OutdoorsPlanet.com, an old man just made a thread: "Bob vs. the Stubborn Shopper"

I ordered my smoking biscuits for my Bradley smoker off the internet.

Bo's Pelini vs Long stories

Too long did not read

That's where my office is. (When I don't work from home)

Words are hard.

Fyp

Lulz

I just use the Ron Swanson technique. I swear this really works because I use this all the time I go into places like that....Sams, Walmart, Costco, Lowes, Home Depot, Best Buy, etc.

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Suck man.

You're doing it wrong though. The two dudes in the front that ask about the CC VISA, the correct answer is "Yep. Sure do. Thanks." Shuts them right up.

The number of checkouts was in our audit reports quite a bit.

An option for you, is they do have surveys and a feedback line.

I'm a sales manager for a small chain of carpet stores. I frequently find myself asking my boss, "Is this something our customers want, or just something we want?". Seems like retailers, large and small, should ask that question more often. There a few companies that I simply won't shop as they seem to go out of their way to piss off their customers.

Do you have an Internet shoppers card? It can save you up to 20 percent.

Way to cave and sign up for the card......pussy.

:D

I am sorry for your poor experience but I thank you for the entertaining story!

Do you still work for these assholes? If so, you are now my sworn enemy. I will find you.

Negatory. Left 3 years ago.

gonzo to cadella's dork greeters:

YOU WILL RESPECT ME, I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!!!!!!!

I don't believe any of this story. Any old codger worth his salt would have verbally accosted you for your cheater Q intentions.

Wow. That was alot of typing to read. I quit after I scrolled down and saw u were still going

:thumb: I will say we have the Bass Pro credit card that you can get 25% off when you sign up as well. We usually don't harass at the doorway though. Our associates will ask you if your purchasing a gun, GPS, fishing reel, any other high priced item or once you check out. But usually you will be asked only once.

This was all I could think about when describing the old men

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb6pggRhsL1qgeqzx.jpg

Your story doesn't sound that bad.

This reminds me of when I got pulled over leaving a Chiefs game for not using my turn signal to change lanes. Had my brother, dad, and granddad in the car. It had to be a good hour and a half since my last beer since I knew I was driving us all home. First quesion the cop asks is "driver, you had anything to drink?". My granddad who can't hear for shit is sitting in the passenger seat just looking at the cop and nodding his head yes thinking the cop was just making small talk. 30 minutes and a field sobriety test later and we were finally back on the road. ****ing old people.

Basically the story is:

A greeter at a store asked me if I wanted a store card to save 25% off of todays purchase. I said no.

I bought what I wanted.

I got in line and had to wait a few extra minutes because of a poorly trained elderly checkout person who also asked me if I had a club card.

Tarantino probably wants to buy the movie rights.

"Smoking biscuits" is urban slang for what?

ROFL ROFL

Not a fan if subtlety/sarcasm or descriptive writing?

The story was more about how it took me nearly an hour to get in and out of the place with just a single purchase.

WTF man? Calm yourself. They always ask me about the card when I go to Cadellas OR Cass Pro. All you need to say is "no sir" and they shut up.

Also, for what it's worth, the Cadellas here has excellent customer service and is almost always a very quick in and out. I picked up some bead heads and a hackle neck the other day and I was in and back in my car in less than 10 minutes.

Gonzo.. I think the problem is old people do not rush anything. I am in mid 40's and sometimes being around my dad can be pain in butt. My goal is usually to get something done that day. His goal for same task would to be get it done that week. I believe time is just different as people age.

I feel your pain somewhat...

Last night i closed the door in a Kirby salesmans face after i had already told him no and i wasnt interested twice, he continued to try and sell me one. I figure saying No 2 times is more than enough.

No means No....something salespeople cant and refuse to understand.

For what it's worth, these people hate asking as much as you hate being asked. They are pressured by their management and, in some cases, have a quota to hit. Most big box retail stores have a set # of credit apps that must be approved every month before management teams can receive profit sharing, bonuses, etc.

Just remember that they are just trying to do their job...as inconvenient as it may be. I worked in retail while in college and had to ask about credit cards. I'd say 70% of the people who applied were denied...which always left me feeling guilty. If you're going to be mad at someone, be mad at the guy behind the desk at corporate headquarters.

Good story, but I'm not sure Earl Campbell really had much of a spin move. He had a little-sidestep-and-if-you're-still-in-front-of-me-I'll-just-run-through-you move though.

Here's a highlight video of Campbell. His only spin is at 0:51 and in reality he's getting spun. Check the video starting at about 2:45 for what Earl Campbell really did well though. Holy moly.

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I have to agree. I was captivated.

shoulda got a real smoker and you could just go out into the woods and cut some oak

It must be "shark week" at your house because friend...you seem to be a little backed up.


While frustrating, this appears to be a pretty standard store interaction in almost any chain. Be it Lowes, Home Depot, Bass Pro, Tar-Jeah, Sheels......

You want a lid blower.....install a gas insert fireplace that requires 8 tech visits over the first year and have a "delayed ignition combustion" a few feet from your kids. You think you had a bad day...you didn't want to be that retailer.

65 years old?

Elderly?

Geriatric?

Really?

I think your perspective is a bit whacked there sonny.:LOL:

You're not supposed to install gas fireplace in your trailer, dude.

Well, technically that there, is an R. V. ...Clark.

LMAO

It's a culture thing with Cadella's, they do the same thing at the one here in town. Those guys must get some kind of spiff for signing people up. I do have one of their cards that I use for business and used the points to get a big Yeti Cooler this summer.

With that being said, I went several years without having one and they would pull the same thing. When they would ask at the door, I would just tell them "Yes I do." The problem ended with those three words. Just be glad you weren’t in there on black Friday. My guess is you would have needed a shave by the time you would have been able to escape.

LMAO This is why I never go to Cadella's w/ Gonzo.

I get a kick out of shoppers. They walk slow as shit up and down every aisle like time isn't important, getting in every person's way as if they are the most important shopper. Yet when they have to check out and wait a couple minutes it's the end of the world.

Want more cashiers? Sure. You'll pay hire prices. I guess that would give you more to bitch about.

Are your BAR's full auto?

LMAO you should feel sorry for those poor saps, they are cold calling door to door trying to sell $1000 vacuums.

Personally, I blame you for not sending them there.. in a more relaxed state of mind.

Really? That's mind-bogglingly bad. I got my wife one because she had NO credit when we got married, she got one no problem.

Last I knew, there weren't any profit sharing goals to be met. There may be some individual compensation goals, but nothing real major last I knew.

The reason they push them so hard is they own the issuing bank. The World's Foremost Bank is owned by Cabela's. It makes sense to try to make money on both sides of the transaction.

I don't know if the individual greeters get any compensation for signups, but maybe they do. The real reason they are there is to make sure any firearms that come into the store are unloaded so they don't blow a hole in the roof like a Bass Pro store did several years ago. But yeah, if you take a firearm in, they're going to be the ones to ask to look in the chamber.

Ive got over 800 bucks in my Carboolas account. And my last time there the gal at the register was hotter than the 8th of July. Had a smile like the morning sun and hooters that went from here to there.

I think people with electric smokers that use special little wood like stuff discs just have a run of bad luck. A lot.

Heh, no. I'm a big dude but I wouldn't want to try and spray 10 quick rounds out of my .300 mag or my .338. My shoulder has enough issues.

Oh, I thought BAR's were standard .308. My mistake.

LOL ... checking urban dictionary. Probably something about a steaming dump and a demeaning sex act. At least it should be.

The military versions are either .308 or 30-06. I'm not sure.
The ones I collect are purely for sport.