Married members: Did you seek permission/blessing?
 

Just wondering what the practice/custom is.

Stole my bride from her crib. It's worked for me......

I did even though I knew they'd say yes.

It was kind of weird and awkward. I went over to their house without my wife and asked them and then my MIL gave me some cookies.

My gf and I were high school sweethearts. We were together for 10.5 years before we decided to get engaged. By that point, it was a nonchalant formality.

"Hey, I'm gonna ask Heather to marry me. Is that cool?"

"Are you serious? I thought you guys were married already."

yeah, but it was a little awkward, since she was already knocked up.
her dad was a big old boy:eek:
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I didn't, but I was told afterward I should have.

Can I marry your daughter?

yes.

Cool. By the way, she's got one in the oven. I'm not sure if it's mine though. You should probably talk to her about it, really. She has a problem. I'm mostly marrying her out of pity.

I married into a huge / exetended, 100% Italian family. so yeah....I did. lol

I didn't know here dad all that well since her mom re-married so I was skeert chitless.
I had to go down to his liquor store, and he took me into the back. He said absoolutely, shook my hand.

whilst shaking my hand, asked me where I was from and I told him Lenexa; and he said "Oh, yeah. I've heard of that. Well, take care of my daughter, because we do things a little differently than in Lenexa"

lol. He's cool though. Very abrasive, loud; always 'knows a guy' who can get anything. His brother works at a Deli......it's almost too good to make this stuff up. lol

LMAO

Yes, any non-mongoloid type of person would show her father some respect.
Damn, that was already 14 years ago for me.

ROFL - that had to be a great conversation.

sec: Excuse me, Mr. Buford Pusser, I would like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

Mr. Pusser: Hand, my ass! You've already stolt her 'giner! (Runs for his gun.....)

ROFL Does he wear large collared shirts with too many buttons unbuttoned with bushy black chest hair poofing out? Does he have slicked back black hair? Does he wear brown faded sunglasses?

We grew up together and this was wish by our parents.

You aren't on 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' are you? If so...please kill your wife and all of her extended family.

What a shitty dowry gift!!! :)

Traded several ponies and 3 blankets....

...you'all think I'm kidding, don't ya?

I also got a goat and 2 head of cattle?

Yes - be a man and show some respect.

Just the head's, that's cool.

wasn't fun...one time he pulled the hat off my head, tossed it up in the air and shot a hole through it w/a .22 rifle. he picked it up off the ground and handed it back to me, not saying a word.

and this was 3 years prior to our "engagement".
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i make barbacoa

No. I kind of felt bad about it in retrospect, but my wife's parents lived 8 hours away at the time and I barely knew her dad. If I had lived near them, I probably would've.

I'm not going to do it. I know the tradition stems more out of respect towards the family than its original purpose (prevent the legal claim of seduction against the proposer), but I think it's the woman's choice.

lol
No; but I swear to god, his brother's house, in their dining room, they have a black laquered table, black laqured hutch thinky; and everything has gold on it.

at our wedding when we were taking our pictures in this nice park - everyone was sort of gathered around, mingling etc

he dad rolls up and parks in a handicap spot. he's not handicapped, I said (name witheld)"hey....I think you parked in a handicapped spot. and he says "oh, so I did". reaches into his glove box and pulls out a handicap placard and hangs it from his mirror. lol

His grandmother, how was like 95 - and his since passed sadly - always donned a jet black wig. His brother and him would talk football etc, and they'd be swearing back and forth. His mom slaps him in the arm (which was a weaky, 90 old woman slap), looks up to the ceiling and does the holy cross thingy on her chest. Followed by both of them "Sorry, Ma"

the first Thanksgiving I attended, it was nothing but basta (which is what they call it apparently) and sugo; bread, meatballs, stuffed artichokes, lassagna, stuffed shells, meatsauce....just a HUGE spread of italian food. and I swear, the 'turkey' was like the size of a game hen/small chicken lol..which no one touched.

The first time I met her cousin, he was friendly; about my age. we start talking, asks what I did for a living; I tell him; and he takes a long drag of his cigarette and says "...How much does somethin' like that pay"?


just a collective series of things/actions over years where it's like one big stereo type.

Better safe than sorry. I did and it worked out fine.

I did. They looked at me like I was an idiot. Still happy I did, though.

Not his call.

My wife and I had dated for 5 years(ish) at that point and she actually told me she didn't want me to ask permission. She's a big-time daddy's girl but still thought it was strange for me to go ask him permission to marry her. We spoke about it later and his reaction was the same as hers - why ask? It's not my decision to make.

I always thought it was something I was supposed to do, but they both thought it was an odd step.

It may just be different for me because it was a foregone conclusion. We freakin' grew up together. It's not like we were adults that met at each other's houses and never saw her parents. I went over to their place to watch movies and have meals. I would DD for her dad once a year when they went to some event at the KC Zoo where you got hammered and gave away gobs of money. The 'respect' was shown well in advance of the decision to get married.

I don't know that it's an antiquated tradition, but I think it's certainly a redundant and awkward bit of worthless ceremony if you've spent as much time around the parents as I have.

I didn't, and I sort of regret it. My in-laws have never brought it up, but my wife said one time that it would have been a nice thing to do.

Yeah I tried.
He said "Who the **** are You? And why the **** do I care"

Real nice guy. BIG FELLA
After I got done asking him he made me go to his Hardware Store to help unload a Semi-Trailer full of Birdseed.

before getting enganged, my wife and I obviously sort of discussed it. I casually said "so, you think I should ask your dad for permission"?

she laughed and said "uh, yeah, You'd better. Stuff like that is a big deal to him and our family, and it would piss him off beyond belief if you didn't."

Of course it's the woman's choice. You're not being progressive, just kind of douchy. If it's really the woman's choice to you, then why are you going to ask? If she wants to get married, she can bloody well ask you.

The truth is, you are sticking with SOME tradition - as in, you're the one asking. You get a ring, too? You think a woman is a raccoon and needs a shiny object to keep her distracted while you circle the tree?

If you don't want to ask the parents, fine. But I would sincerely suggest you get off your high horse and at least talk with them about it first.

Just a way to say, "look, I wanted you to know that I have thought about this, and I am not going into this impulsively or without a plan. I hope you will be happy about it."

You're not giving them a say, but you are showing respect. Just remember, you're going to have to see these people for a long time. You will see them infinitely more than your own family, in my experience.

When I got married, I thought the notion of asking for the blessing of a girl's parents was some antiquated relic of the past and had no idea that people still did it in the modern world. Needless to say, the thought of seeking that blessing never really crossed my mind. As far as I know, her family didn't expect it.

So whats the hidden metaphor in here? :hmmm:

My Father in law was a cowardly bully at the time. He pushed around 2 daughters a son with brain damage and a timid woman. My age was 21 when I told him what was happening and hoped he didn't mind too much. Not a pleasant experience but he wasn't wanting to push me very hard to my face. He's matured since then and we now get along fairly well. That was over 37 years ago and I've still proudly got the daughter. In case you can't tell I thought then and now that she was a keeper

Nope. Her father lives in Oregon and we had only met one time before I asked my wife. He was cool with me anyways.....so he didn't care.

Wife doesn't talk to her deadbeat dad, so I didn't see the need to ask that asshat permission for anything.

my inlaws are off the boat Italians from the old country! I wasn't going to chance it.

Asked her dad and swear to God he said "if you ever hurt her I have Cement shoes in the basement, and guess what they are one size fits all." in his italian accent.

True story!

Of course I did.

You're a fcking pussy if you don't man up and show her father respect by asking for his blessing.

i think today you can just send a facebook message to the parents...

I didn't do it, due to the logistics of it all and the place I was at in my personal life and beliefs at the time. Looking back, it's one of the major regrets of my life.

Ok, so I'm reading a lot about showing the father respect.

But what about if the father has since passed? Would you feel the same as for the mother?

Since I had to explain that I knocked her up, I think the marriage thing was a foregone conclusion. I never asked. You'd have to know my FIL...it would not and did not matter.

Having said that, I've explained to my son that he needs to do that, and I've explained to my daughter that I'd appreciate it some day if someone were to want to marry her to get our blessing.

Live and learn. I probably should have, but given the circumstances...well...shit, I was 19. Whattayagonnado?

Ask the mother or oldest brother.

It is a sign of respect to her family.

My father inlaw predicted it long before I ask her.

Yeah but I couldn't do it in person so I sent a quick text message instead. Gotta show respect.

What if the father is a chief fan and thinks we should go OT with the first pick and give Castle another shot under a new coach?

Pretty sure I didn't.

Wouldn't now, either. Being nearly 40 myself.

Course I haven't dated anybody for 10 years. Not likely to be something I gotta worry about.

I did not. However, my first wife's father was estranged. I was with my current wife for 5 years before we were married so her father essentially told me it was time to marry her so we skipped right past the permission portion.

Most women get married when they are adults, why would an adult have to ask the wife's parent's for permission??

On that note marriage is a dying tradition in itself

I'm going to ask her because it's my choice, too. Yes, I'm not abandoning all tradition. I think a ring is a great symbol of the marriage. But I don't see the point in asking the father. We are on good terms. I show respect for them in many ways and respect for his daughter in many ways. He would only say yes, and if he said no, then what? We would still be married and it would be really weird. This courtship has gone on long enough that if he had reservations, they would have been expressed long ago.

I don't anticipate ever telling my daughter that the person she wants to marry should get my permission or blessing first.

Is that because of how you feel about it, or how your in-laws feel about it?

if you have a daughter do you expect your future son in law to ask you?

That's a good point. The tradition legally stems from the Tort of Seduction. A father could sue in civil court the person who married/took away the daughter, because the daughter (and wife and minor-sons) were basically property.

Now it's morphed into a show of respect, but it doesn't seem that genuinely respectful or necessary to me.

A little bit of both. At the time, we both liked our parents, but I didn't really see it being any of his business if his daughter wanted to get married or not (I was fresh out of graduate school and full of feminist ideas about such things). I also made the decision somewhat quickly and never saw him in person prior to the time when I wanted to pop the question to my wife.

Much of the regret is because her brothers and mother have since given me shit for not asking his permission, specifically her mother. Since he's now dead, I have some regret that I didn't just ask him, especially because he and I were very close and got even closer after I married his daughter. It just would have been a "nice" thing to have done, I guess.

I don't have a daughter right now, so my answer is a bit premature, but no, I wouldn't. I would expect my daughter to have the right goals and values in her life to make her own decision that would align with her happiness. And that's what I would be concerned about.

Seems like an outdated formality to me... like others have said, it's not the father's call, and what happens if he says no or if they aren't on good terms? I guess if everyone was on good terms and I knew the father fairly well, I might tell her parents and hope they're okay with it, but I don't see how it's disrespectful if someone doesn't ask first. Seeking their blessing at least seems reasonable... asking permission just sounds silly.

"I'm seeking your blessing for the marriage. I'm also seeking $10,000. Weddings aren't free, newdad." That's the order of the course.

You have a long time to have your mind change. Growing up and having kids will do that to you. Never say never.

"Generally it is a nice gesture, assuming your sweetheart is close with her parents and that they are relatively traditional. If they are non-traditional, or you are worried they (or she) might see it as a sexist gesture, simply be careful about the way you phrase it. Rather than asking for their permission, ask for their blessing. Situations where you shouldn't ask include if she is estranged from her parents, if she is an older bride, or if you think her parents will spoil the surprise of your proposal. "

I think we should just club them over the head drag them back to our places and they should be ours again like in the old days...

I did because it's the respectable thing to do, and the last thing you want when you are going to spend the rest of your life with a woman, is for her father to think you don't respect him. I expect the same when my daughter is proposed to .

I didn't, and I don't regret it at all. It didn't feel appropriate at the time. We had been together for 5+ years and I think that us getting married was a bit of a foregone conclusion.

:hmmm: interesting, I did not know that first part

Were you planning on marrying her before she became pregnant?

I have three daughters and I haven't decided yet.

I didn't either, until yesterday. I'd never even heard of the Tort of Seduction until then. It wasn't until 1874 that a state (Iowa) allowed a woman to sue her master on her own behalf. Her master (employer) had molested or raped her.

Dad was already dead and mom loved me so, no worries on the permission front.

I have two and I guess it depends on the situation. Right now I would say I expect them to ask me for my blessing not for my permission

I think it's a sign of respect that you love his daughter, and wnt to spend your life together with her. and in some ways, it's also asking/implying that you want to be a part of their family as well. At least, that's the way I read the Italian way.

I've since learned that her family is WAY big on family/respect. There are just some things that are pretty much a slap in the face if they were not done. They'll do anything for anyone in their family at a drop of a hat - immediate family, cousins, aunts etc.

I was married when I was 26 and she was 27. I asked both her mom and step-dad, as well as her dad.

that.

As a tip, sometimes you have to sweeten the deal with a couple of goats.

You have time to change your mind about it, too.

Lets put it this way. Most of the "no" posters say that they regret it, and all of the "yes" posters think it is still the right thing to do. That should answer all of your questions.

Similarly, as a sign of respect, would you ask for the father's blessing if you were getting a divorce from her? Or is respect just not that important anymore?

Does her Dad secretly work for the CIA? ROFL

http://www.pastapadre.com/wordpress/...fockers-00.jpg

There are 29 "no" posters, and only two have expressed some degree of regret.

No, not his decision.

i think it truly does vary n a case by case basis.

the girl/woman's relation ship with her father, and or family.

knowing how big family was to her, well Family, I wanted to do it.
It would not have gone over well had I not from a disrespect POV. But, it worked out because I would've done it anyway.

and, as Okoye said, I don't think it's so much of asking for permission these days, but a blessing. The blessing can be denied, and yiou'll be married anyway etc, but a blessing (depending on the sort of family you're entering into) would be gravy.

of course, if you don't get a blessing, it's probably because you're a dirtbag, or the father is a prick. I'd say any stand-up, grown man would get a blessing otherwise.

Yes, in your situation, it seemed sort of compelled. If you have a daughter, are you going to seek to continue that tradition?

I do have to say, though, that it's more than a little ironic that your in-laws are divorced.

I didn't ask, but he was there when I proposed. Her Mom knew it was coming though.

This.

And for the record if you feel like you have to odds are you'll end up a much more happy husband...