Official 2015 Why your team sucks thread
 

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tampa Bay Buccaneers


Drew Magary
Filed to: Why your team sucks 2015 7/20/15 3:15pm

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Some people are fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Tampa Bay Bucs

Your 2014 record: 2-14. And yet 2-14 doesn’t even begin to hint at how abysmal the Bucs were last season. This is the team that spotted a 6-10 Atlanta team a 56-0 lead after just three quarters, inspiring many stadium dick-pats in the process. They also managed to lose to the Rams after a Mike Evans injury resulted in a 10-second runoff of the clock. That’s life under Lovie Smith for you. You don’t even get the pleasure of seeing your team **** up at the end of a game, because they **** up BEFORE that ****up, and squander the chance to **** up that ****up, and then they lose.

Also, a Bengals fan punched one of your fans right into the street. A Bengals fan! You know how weak and slow Bengals fans are? That’s like getting punched out by a dying Labrador.

Your coach: Lovie Smith. There are certain head coaches who make for disastrous retreads, and Lovie Smith is one of them. We all think of Rich Kotite as a walking punchline, but Rich Kotite went 36-28 as head coach of the Eagles before he burned the Jets to the ground. It took that second job for his true shittiness to be laid bare. That’s where Lovie Smith is right now. He’s right in the Mooch Zone. Five months from now, when he staggers out of Tampa with five total wins to his name, people will ask, “How the **** did THAT guy take a team to a Super Bowl?” And there will be no good answer. They’re gonna resurrect those shitty Coors Light press conference ads just for the moment Lovie gets shitcanned. I can wait.

Your quarterback: **** HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY! Congratulations, Tampa! You just won yourself 10 years of getting defensive whenever someone mentions collegiate rape accusations! I think you’ll be impressed by how seamlessly FSU Twitter morphs into Bucs Twitter. You won’t even realize what’s happened until you’ve got yourself an egg avatar and you’re beefing with everyone in sight. “This girl can’t keep her story straight GET THE FACTS!” It’s fun! And all for this guy …

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Never gets old. It’s the Buttfumble of college football lore. Remember: Jameis Winston threw 18 picks last year. Imagine sitting in a war room and saying to yourself, “Well, he threw 18 picks last year in an abominable conference. And he derped all over the Rose Bowl. And he stole crab legs. And he got suspended for doing the Tosh Serenade at the school cafeteria. And every other NFL fan will root for him to fail. And he may have raped a woman. And he couldn’t even show his face at the ****ing draft because he knew he’d be booed for possibly raping a woman. LET’S TAKE HIM FIRST.”

The most amazing thing is that the Bucs, like every authoritative body at FSU, were covering for Jameis even BEFORE they were stupid enough to draft him. They had to lay an intricate groundwork of rose-colored bullshit:

“To me, I think he’s told us an awful lot with how he’s handled it,” Smith said. “It’s not like he’s getting ready to go into the NFL and scrutiny is coming his way.”

Yes! In that way, I’m GLAD he was accused of rape! Really steels you for the rigors of pro football. If only EVERY prospect were accused of rape. It’s the Oklahoma Drill of legal entanglements. TOUGHENS THE BODY AND THE MIND.

Of course, now that the Bucs have procured Winston, they’re taking it one step further by trying to change the narrative and paint him as some kind of mutant football savant. He’s a sponge! He studies a lot! They aren’t using training wheels! His football IQ is wayyyy higher than his criminal IQ! Essentially, they’re telling you that his football output will be so good that you will have no choice but to put the rest of Jameis’ baggage out of your mind. Not only is this cynical—even craven—but it could also all be a pack of lies. Let’s see that gif one more time…

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

That’s against Oregon, mind you. Oregon doesn’t even play defense. Don’t try to sell me on this lumbering turnover machine before I’ve seen his fat ass play a single down. **** you for openly trying to polish that turd in front of America.

What’s new that sucks: Apart from all that? Nothing much, really. Oh, wait! WARREN SAPP WON’T STOP BITING WOMEN. And pulling an Al Haynesworth on them to boot (no pun intended). Boy, this franchise really knows how to pick winners. Can’t we take away their Super Bowl victory? They only won it because Oakland was literally too stupid to change their audibles.

Also: former kicker Lawrence Tynes sued the team for giving him leprosy. And the team was forced to start paying employees after the Tampa Bay Times found out they were using unpaid homeless people to sell beer, a scheme that would make Sepp Blatter cream his fondue in excitement. And get excited for the team’s new RV lot! Yes, that’s right: the Bucs have finally catered to their core demographic of nomadic NASCAR white trash. They may well put an infield at the 50-yard line so that Jethro and his kin and set up their tailgate. Bring back the mobile strip club! That was still the best thing ever about Bucs football.

Oh, were you wondering about what’s happening on-the-field shit? Well, it’s the Bucs, so they’re still ****ing terrible. Unless you count the addition of Bruce Carter and the immortal CHRIS CONTE as some kind of defensive masterstroke (it is not). They’re still the Bucs, and they are still a living blood clot on your television screen. And their defensive backfield still handles receivers about as well as they handle contraband fireworks.

Also, Doug Martin sucks now. He doesn’t even like being called the Muscle Hamster anymore, so he is both shitty AND humorless. He makes me sad. Maybe Jameis Winston will trip over him and make me feel better.

What has always sucked: The alarm clock unis are back! The time is always BUCS P.M.!

What might not suck: Mike Evans! Holy shit, Mike Evans is a beast. He’s gonna make Jameis look good, and it’s gonna be such a letdown. I want Jameis to go 0-16, but he can just chuck the ball 30 yards down the field and Evans will probably catch it while standing on the shoulders of the man covering him. Don’t **** with Mike Evans.

Hear it from Bucs fans!

Anthony:

Our team trainer once cut the tip of Alvin Harper’s finger off.

Chris:

The Bucs suck because we have gone from Raheem Morris to Greg Schiano to Lovie Smith and somehow GOT WORSE.

We had the first pick for the first time in forever (despite always being awful) and we spent it on a talented risk recently accused of rape who is about to go through a massive distraction of a civil trial.

Our best player is a HOF-caliber defensive tackle who nobody knows because in his 5 years in the league the team has combined to win like 12 games.

Every game you go to feels like it is on the surface of the sun and you are likely going to sit next to a Bud Light soaked hick who is one Bucs turnover away from screaming a racial slur.

Greg:

I cannot think of a worse combination of traits than the average human attending games at Raymond James. The demo is the intersection of the venn diagram of Southern white-trash, Beachy white-trash and typical NFL fan white-trash.

Brad Johnson is the best quarterback in franchise history.

Last year there was a QB controversy between Josh McCown and Mike Glennon. They fixed that issue by drafting the accused rapist from upstate with a creepy smile.

Ryan:

Five short years ago, I watched in person as the Bucs mudholed Seattle behind Josh Freeman’s 5 glorious TD passes that put them squarely in playoff contention at 9-6 with one game left. I thought, “Damn, they might just be legit.”. They went 10-6 and lost the wild card tiebreaker to eventual Super Bowl champ Green Bay.

Since then, they’ve gone 17-47. The Seahawks have gone 43-21 and won a Super Bowl. **** the Bucs.

Craig:

#Itsabucslife???

Ryan:

Ever since our team won the Super Bowl back in 1597, we quickly became every team’s inspiration for how-not to run an organization. We have lost more games in the past TWO seasons than the Patriots have lost since 2008. And our big reward for winning two games last year? Drafting the horniest quarterback in league history. But things should work out OK since Tampa only has a strip club on every corner.

Joseph:

When I tell people from Florida I’m a BUCS fan they just stare at me in shock and wonder why.

The next person from Florida I meet who is a Bucs fan will be the first.

Matt:

Warren Sapp is a Grade-A piece of shit. Welcome to Tampa Bay’s Ring of Honor!

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It’s simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with fans, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Submissions will be cut off at some point. Next team up: Tennessee Titans

Please link this.. I need to post this on Pewter Report for the homers that are on there.

Winston is Kerry Collins.

He's either already had his "walking outside a PD with a cigar out my mouth" moment or he hasn't. He's much more intelligent than his immaturity would lead you to believe and his TALENT ceiling is that of a top 5 QB.

Yet another example of a young QB that would benefit from sitting a year, but he won't, and it'll be to his detriment...

Just get it from deadspin.

I see Winston as another Vince Young.

WTF?

They're both black? :shrug: Talk about 2 completely different styles...

You can't talk about JaJamis that way!


http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ers-1718991122

Sweet! I love these articles. I thought the series didn't start until August.

BTW feel free to post the new ones as they come out.

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tennessee Titans







Drew Magary
Filed to: Why your team sucks 2015
















7/21/15 2:40pm
































Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Tennessee Titans

Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Tennessee Titans

Your 2014 record: 2-14. That includes blowing a 28-3 lead to Cleveland. At home. “I’M PISSED OFF. HOW ABOUT THAT?!”







Your coach: Ken Whisenhunt. EVERYONE BEATS THE WHIZ. When are people gonna stop giving this man quarterbacks to ruin? Jake Locker RETIRED this offseason. Jake Locker is 19 years old. He had to retire because Whiz coaches all his quarterbacks to plant your face in the defender’s chest prior to releasing the ball. Classic throwing motion. Good thing they didn’t draft another slender, speedy quarterback who might be similarly frail! Oh wait…

Your quarterback: MARIOTO! All of the blandness of Russell Wilson with NONE of the ability! It says a lot about Marcus Mariota that the Bucs had their choice of quarterbacks at the top of the draft, and still went with the alleged rapist and verified crab burglar that Mariota trashed in the Rose Bowl, instead of Mariota himself. Mariota had every possible intangible advantage over Jameis Winston, and yet the Bucs still looked at his game film and were like, “Nope. He’s dead meat.”

But I’m sure he’ll soon flourish in a Ken Whisenhunt offense that is tailored to quarterbacks who have the EXACT OPPOSITE SKILL SET. In the Whisenhunt offense, your job is stand ramrod straight and throw the ball 30 yards down field, incomplete. I’m worried that Mariota doesn’t possess the immobility necessary to pull that off.

On the off-chance that Marcus Mariota is actually good (and with Oregon’s legacy of highly drafted QBs like Akili Smith and Joey Harrington, how could he fail?), the Titans will still ruin him. They’ll plug him into a shitty, unimaginable offense; put him behind an abominable offensive line that is somehow WORSE than the one that allowed 50 sacks last season; and then blame him when everything goes to shit. Thankfully, Mariota will be too damned nice to get angry about any of this. YOUR PLEASANT DEMEANOR IS A SIGN OF COWARDICE, YOU GRASS SKIRT-WEARING PUSS.

By the way, once Mariota gets blown to pieces by J.J. Watt, your backup QB is still Zach Mettenberger, who fired back at J.J. Watt a swift nine months after Watt gave him shit for taking selfies. Real quick reaction time on this young quarterback…

“I think this chicken is expired!” –Zach Mettenberger, five days after dying of salmonella poisoning

“You mean we won?” –Zach Mettenberger, watching The Patriot

“They did WHAT?!” –Zach Mettenberger, on September 11th, 2002

What’s new that sucks: Well, the kicker died. Also: the Titans also signed Brian Orakpo and Hakeem Nicks, because they’re always looking for new players to get hurt. FUN FACT: The Titans possess only four active players on the roster any given week. They have to fill out the rest of the starting lineup with statues made from old floss and wet sand. Their stretching routine includes Oreos.

What has always sucked: Bishop Sankey. **** Bishop Sankey right in the eye. I believed in you, Sankey. I trusted you to be a reliable 2RB as a rookie. Instead, you were SHIT. I’m never trusting a rookie running back again. I feel so violated. YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE IS WHAT YOU ARE.

And Dexter McCluster is still here. WHOA HEY STOP ME BEFORE I SHIT MY DICK. I can’t believe the Titans ponied up $4.5 million for a dude who is good for one nice end-around per season. Dexter McCluster is one of those players where the coach is like, “We HAVE to find a way to get the ball in his hands more!” and then they never do, because the player in question actually sucks. If I have manufacture ways to get you the ball, that means that you suck at getting the ball. You are of no use to me. Wait, they signed Harry Douglas, too? Why have one shitty small guy when you can have two?

Also, please note that the decaying remains of Dick LeBeau have been brought in to “save” one of the NFL’s worst defenses. Given how Monte Kiffin fared in Dallas, I’m sure we’re all in for a treat. This defense is the 76ers roster of football. Even the coaches don’t know who these people are. At the very least, LeBeau will get Michael Griffin to up his cheapshot rate to at least three per game.

Otherwise, this is same kind of same boring, anonymous Titans team we’ve all grown accustomed to over the years. The most exciting part of any Titans season is when their ticket office gets caught committing blatant acts of fraud. There’s a lot of Bill Macatee in your future, kids.

And you know what? This is what Nashville deserves for giving the world Clay Travis. And country music. God, **** country music. Nashville makes country music that even people who like country music don’t like. DURRR THAT AIN’T REAL COUNTRY! Even among redneck posers, this is somehow a city filled with even WORSE redneck posers. Take it from someone who lives near D.C.: terrible things happen when Northern white kids walk around pretending to be Southern white kids. Nashville is nothing more than several miles of a bar on every corner featuring the same shitty country bar band playing the same shitty country song to the same shitty faux country people. They also have a statue saluting the founder of the KKK in Nashville. Nashville should be incinerated.

What might not suck: Even while Mariota is getting his nuts stomped into the ground by opposing defenses, at least he’ll be CLASSY about it. Such a poised young man getting mangled out there!

And as long as he’s equipped with a knife, Justin Hunter will find a way to get open.

Hear it from Titans fans!

Adam:


The first few years I lived in Nashville I worked at a music store. One day Eddie George came in and proceeded to demo an electronic drum set for 2+ hours. He had it set on an “alien spaceship” sound setting and turned it up REALLY LOUD.

**** Eddie George. And dig Bud Adams up and **** him with a sun-baked fire hydrant.

Justin:


The Titans are the most boring dysfunctional franchise in all of sports, they are the missionary position of the NFL.

Brian:


Somehow Jeff Fisher is still coaching this team remotely. I swear I saw Eddie George running the ball up the middle on 3rd and 14 at some point last year.

Jarred:


I honestly think our owner (whoever the hell it is) changed the name of our stadium to “Nissan Stadium” because Nissan has a truck called a “Titan.”

Kennedy:


The University of Memphis is literally the best football team in the state right now.

Aaron:


The best QB in franchise history was killed by a mistress that worked at Adult Chucky Cheese’s, after a night out at a bar called Loser’s.

Jeff:


This is a top-shelf town full of friendly, handsome, surprisingly metropolitan people, but Nashville is not a professional football town. The Titans are a replay of the Braves starting in 1989. At first, nobody gives a shit because they’re not good and they’re not in the SEC. Then they have a good run, fans care, and Garth Brooks does promos. Then the organization sets unreasonable expectations for that to endure. Sure enough, they suck again and no one shows. Repeat. Hard to pull for a team that puts your recent Saturday afternoon hated enemies on the field in baby blue jerseys.

Did you know that the runner up name for the Titans was the Tennessee Trappers? For a mascot, I think we can all agree that a mountain man with bloody rusted traps on chains outcompetes the stuffed animal with feet so large he can’t run.

Jon:


Frank Wycheck is, without hyperbole, the worst announcer I’ve ever heard. Yes, even worse than Joe Buck. You’ll get a cramp listening to him.

Matt:


We now have two defensive coordinators for the second time in three years.

Mark:


I’ve been a NJ-based Titans fan (don’t ask) for 15 years. Whenever they play the Jets or the Giants, I make it a point to go. Last season, the closest city they were scheduled to play at was Philly. I think 3 starters got injured for the Titans, and they never really threatened. My friend and I took the subway line to Center City, when my stomach started to make a horrible sound. It felt like a volcanic surge was brewing, and I swore I was going to shit myself in front of 50 Eagles fans on a crowded subway line. My friend and I barely made to a bar where I ran to a toilet and remained there for a good 30 minutes in agony.

**** hoagies, **** Philly, and **** the Titans most of all.

Ryan:


Every good player we get either gets arrested or dies.

Our front office signed Michael Oher to a multi-year deal, and then replaced him with the only tackle in the league worse than he is.

Many of our fans legitimately think Zach Mettenberger is still the answer at QB, and frequently compare him to Tom Brady. I’m serious.

William:


The cutesy town storefronts outside both end-zones is a ****ing joke.

There are more Steelers fans than Titans fans in this city.

Roy:


I didn’t want the Titans to take Mariota because we’ll just break him, just like we did with Locker. He won’t last six games this season and will age faster in one year behind our OL than Obama has in 6 and half years in the White House. I actually feel bad for him.

Brandon:


Our owner died, his son-in-law took over before realizing we were a dumpster fire and now the team is run by the management equivalent of SOS Staffing Services. Sadly, this is the most excitement we’ve had since Vince Young spending $50,000 at the cheesecake factory.

LombardiPardi:


Apart from our talking potato of a GM, I don’t know who to blame for all our problems. Did you know we have an INTERIM PRESIDENT? Because we do. Nobody even wants the job. Bud Adams’ human marshmallow of a son-in-law had the job for a year before quitting. He instead is going to focus on managing the family oil business, because an oil rig has a lesser chance of catching fire than this football team.

David:


Our shiny new QB has all the personality of a bowl of Grapenuts. Our more interesting back-up Meth-in-Burger got into a “selfie” beef with the scariest mother****er in Texas and then proceeded to taunt J.J. publicly about his letterman jacket. So he’s dead.

Oh, and our biggest free-agent addition (Orakpo) can’t even sneeze without tearing a tit. We are so ****ed.

Chris:


Titans fans are among the most antiquated fans in the NFL, born from the #DoingItTheRightWay camp, which uses the pillars of a solid running game and quarterbacks who didn’t talk back to their coaches like in the old days as its core tenets. Sam Hinkie should come be the GM of the Titans when he’s run out of town in Philly because Titans fans love nothing more than fantasizing how great the team will be in five years. He could die in office at the age of 93, without making a single playoff appearance, and fans would regard him as the greatest goddamn GM of all time, so long as he wrangled up an 8-8 season once every four years. Fans would drool over all the accumulated 7th round picks that would mean “we’re only three years away.”

Most fans were ****ing livid over the team selecting Marcus Mariota, apparently because Zach Methburger played like a quarterback drafted in the 3rd round instead of one drafted in the 6th. Seriously, the fans were worried about taking a quarterback with the No. 2 pick because it might “set this team back for the next three years.” We certainly wouldn’t want to disrupt the sterling track record of a team that hasn’t had made the playoffs since 2008 and has one winning season over the past six years.

Blake:


Our fan base is a quarter the size of our state’s college team that has been to one bowl game in the past seven years, a bowl that was named after a shitty tax preparation website that no one has ever heard of. What few fans do exist are the definition of homer redneck morons. The vast majority of them were upset when they drafted Mariota to replace a sixth round rapist with a bum knee. In fact, Titans fans were so hungry for Mettenberger’s dick that the first time in his life he received affirmative consent was right before ****ing them in the ass.

Andy:


The NFL has sentenced them to a nationally televised game against the Jaguars on a Thursday, where it will rival Mr. Ed reruns taped off Nick at Nite 25 years ago in ratings.

**** this team.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It’s simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with fans, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Submissions will be cut off at some point. Next team up: Jacksonville Jaguars.

Faiders turn!!

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...source=taboola

This one got me banned from Pewter Report lol...

Perfection.

Seems nice

What has always sucked: These are the worst fans in America. And I don’t mean they are disloyal or dispassionate. I mean that, as PEOPLE, they are the worst fans in America. State any obvious fact about the Raiders—like the fact that they are bad at football—and you can expect them to go completely overboard in seeking redress. Like so …

YOU: Jack Del Rio? That seems kinda uninspired.

RAIDER FAN: (stabs you)

Boom
 

Some people are fans of the Oakland Raiders. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Oakland Raiders. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Oakland Raiders

Your 2014 record: 3-13, featuring the league’s worst point differential (-199). “What this ball represents and what this hole represents are the first four games of the season. The first quarter of our season … This ball, to me, goes in this hole! Okay?” You will not find a more motivational hole than the hole Tony Sparano dug.

Sparano, you will recall, was promoted to interim head coach (all Raiders coaches should be labeled as “interim”) after Dennis Allen was canned after just four games last season. They could have canned Allen a full year ago. Instead, they burned off an entire season of their existence just so they could limply can him after one extra month of duty. This is how the Raiders work. They exist exclusively to waste your time. Their return to glory is so far off in the distance that nothing they do in the intervening decades really matters at all. They could ritualistically set themselves on fire ... or turn into a professional wakeboarding team. It doesn’t matter, because they won’t be good again for centuries. They’re ****ing worthless.

Your coach: Jack Del Rio. AHAHAHAHA. That’s your plan? Jesus. I mean, the least you can do it TRY to give fans hope. Instead, you gave them the return of Football Eddie Money…


I wonder if he kept that sash. It’s his most prized sash! He should be forced to wear it on the sidelines for every game.

Del Rio went 68-71 in his tenure with the Jaguars, a tenure most notable for a) the time he wore a suit, and b) the time he put a ****ing axe in the middle of the locker room, only to have the punter subsequently bury that axe in his leg. KEEP CHOPPING WOOD, GUYS.

Given that the Raiders also contemplated hiring Eric Mangini and Pat Shurmur, I guess Del Rio is a halfway tolerable choice. But really, after getting the Heisman from Jim Harbaugh (imagine a coach looking at your organization and being like, “I’d better go to Michigan. They’re WAY more functional”), they limited their options like they were dining at a Jersey Turnpike rest stop. “Well, I can eat Burger King, or I can scavenge for chicken bones in the shitter trash can.” This franchise has been eating shit for so long that Del Rio’s career record looks like the feat of a God at this point. OMG HE ALMOST WENT .500 WHAT IS THAT LIKE?

Your quarterback: Permanently mascara-ed phenom Derek Carr. Carr, of course, will get murdered by his o-line at some point this season, in which case your quarterback will be either Matt McGloin or …


YEAHHHHHHHHH WOOHOOHOO!!!! As a Vikings fan, let me tell you what a quality backup your team has secured. If you like watching a grown man run for his life and then fail to throw the ball past the line of scrimmage, this is the guy for you! Every pass that Christian Ponder completes is a small miracle from God. In that way, he fits in perfectly with the Raiders’ passing game.

What’s new that sucks: Kenny Stabler died. (You can bet that every Raiders fan in existence high-fived upon hearing the news that he died at age 69.)

Also, Mark Davis is scheming to ditch Oakland once and for all. If everything goes to plan—Jesus, who I am kidding? these are the Raiders—the team will skip town in 2016 in order to share a stadium near Los Angeles with the Chargers. Just one big stadium full of suck for unsuspecting citizens.

The stadium is expected to cost the city of Carson $1.7 billion, none of which will be spent on improving Davis’s current haircut. Here is where I remind you that the Raiders’ original proposed stadium design included an eternal flame in memory of Al Davis, which seems redundant, given that Hell itself is ablaze 24/7. The Davis Cauldron was scrapped from the plans—I assume funds were reallocated for the stadium’s inevitable need for in-house correctional facilities—but the whole saga is a helpful reminder that the only thing worse than having your team run by a living Al Davis is having your team run by a dead Al Davis.

You can tell Ghost Al is still running the team by its acquisitions over the offseason. Is that Trent Richardson? You know it is. I think it’ll be nice for fans to witness the only thing in existence slower than traffic over the Bay Bridge. And Michael Crabtree is here, too! Finally, a place where Michael Crabtree’s malcontent nature can fully flourish. FUN FACT: Mr. Sorry Receiver has gone over 1,000 yards in his career exactly once. They also signed Trindon Holliday to muff punts, which should be amusing. I don’t know if he can out-fumble James Jones, but he’ll sure as hell try. SPEED KILLS, PEOPLE. Oakland is where you go when you are a failed veteran, so that Oakland fans can dub you a True Raider, only to watch you fail miserably all over again.

The team also signed Malcolm Smith, because it can never get enough of fluky Super Bowl MVPs. Despite the presence of budding superstar Khalil Mack, the Raiders fielded their standard below-average defense the previous season. Hence, they binged on Smith, along with free agents Dan Williams and Curtis Lofton. All that, and yet the best player on the team is STILL the ****ing kicker.

What has always sucked: These are the worst fans in America. And I don’t mean they are disloyal or dispassionate. I mean that, as PEOPLE, they are the worst fans in America. State any obvious fact about the Raiders—like the fact that they are bad at football—and you can expect them to go completely overboard in seeking redress. Like so …

YOU: Jack Del Rio? That seems kinda uninspired.

RAIDER FAN: (stabs you)

No wonder Mark Davis is emptying out every corporate expense account in San Antonio and Los Angeles. Getting away from Oakland is a matter of personal safety for any reasonable human being. This is a hilariously incompetent team that can’t play defense and completes one pass for every 20 attempts, and yet NO Raiders fan can admit it. Every year we do these previews, and every year the Raiders have the most humorless, defensive, irrational fans of the bunch. Even Redskins fans are like, “Whoa, they’re being a little unreasonable!” I’ll never understand it. Your team is ****ing terrible. You cling to the outdated football philosophy of a rotting corpse. Can you really not see this? What the **** is wrong with you?

Also, Charles Woodson is still the best player in the secondary. Charles Woodson is 5,000 years old. I bet Ponder dazzles everyone in practice against that backfield.

What might not suck: Amari Cooper, shown here wishing he had been drafted by Jacksonville, was arguably the most talented and hardest-working player available in the whole draft. Put him together with Carr and a healthy Latavius Murray and this almost resembles a functional NFL offense. It’s like when they build a set for a movie, and it LOOKS like a real house, but the back of it is nothing more than wood girders and pegboard.

Hear it from Raiders fans!

Liam:

I told a friend that I was an Oakland fan, and he told me “Well, I can’t really call you a bandwagoner, because you’re not really getting anything out of being a Raiders fan.”
Brian:

There was a span in 2010 where I was getting at least one prank call a week from a buddy trying to fool me into celebrating Al Davis’ death.

I was in a car accident on November 29 last year (both cars and parties were fine). On November 30, the Raiders were ass-pounded by the Rams (aptly) 52-0. I received more phone calls to see if I was okay on Sunday night than on Saturday.

**** Jamarcus Russell with a cactus dildo.
Victor:

Mark Davis looks like an old man version of Bucky Larson.
Derek:

Oakland itself has the inferiority complex of a second-tier Midwestern city.
Nic:

Despite a decade plus of the most heinous, eye-gouging football ****ery, my dad has maintained his weekly pedicure appointment where he gets his two big toes painted black and the rest of the little piggies painted silver (just like their sparkly helmets). My dad also still wears leather pants on the regular and tried to buy a goddamn used hearse to drive to the Coliseum.
Tom:

Their best offensive player since 2002 has been a fat kicker who can hit 65 yard field goals but shanks 30 yarders with the game on the line.

**** Darren McFadden with his brittle leg bones.
Matthew:

If they injure Peyton, I’ll call it a successful season.
Carlos:

This is what 70+ million in salary cap room buys you: Christian Ponder, Trent Richardson, Roy Helu, Michael Crabtree, Lee Smith, Rodney Hudson, Dan Williams, Curtis Lofton and Nate Allen.
Joe:

After enduring the 2003 Super Bowl, I proclaimed boldly “The Raiders would be back in 10 years.” I have shitty friends that didn’t forget I said that.
Burke:

In Week 12 when we won our first game in 368 days, the reaction was embarrassing. Our best players were celebrating 20 yards offsides while the game was still going on. Derek Carr went on a Jesus rant that made Russell Wilson look like an agnostic. Windbag to end all windbags Tony Sparano got choked up (again, for a team that just became 1-10). Raiders fans acted like Raiders fans.

The next week we got clobbered 52-0 by the Rams, who we hopefully beat to Los Angeles so I can stop rooting for this team.
Matt:

While the East Bay is now the only remotely livable part of the Bay Area, I have never seen so many people be so trashy and yet so pretentious. The Raiders will likely move into the 800 year old Los Angeles Coliseum next year and it will immediately be a massive upgrade over the O.Co Coliseum. There’s a ****ing dirt infield on it half the season. The sewage backs up into locker rooms. They only serve Bud Light. And you can’t smoke or vape anywhere in the stadium. I’ll be so glad to not have to drive 6 hours through cow shit up the 5 freeway in order to spend an afternoon watching my team lose to Geno and the Jets while swilling the worst beer ever and not even getting to mask the awful taste of it with a Newport.
Chris:

Lane Kiffin: 4-12 record – retained the following season

Tom Cable: 8-8, vastly outperforming talent – fired

Hue Jackson: 8-8, vastly outperforming talent – fired

Dennis Allen: 4-12 – retained (x2)

Tom Cable vastly outperformed the talent he had and beat the shit out of his assistant coaches. Both of these qualities made him wildly popular with fans. Naturally, he was fired after his first full season.
Aaron:

We finally shipped out Darren McFadden before his legs fully turned to dust and replaced him with a back who has all the burst and speed of Hodor.

Mark Davis and Reggie MacKenzie look like a children’s show that got caught in a chemical fire.
Halston:

Because when Mark Davis threatened to move the team to San Antonio, the idiot fanbase here was terrified...as it made too much sense for the Raiders to move there since they had the same color scheme as the Spurs.
Ray:

The fans care more about their makeup foundation wearing off than they do the score.
Ferninator:

Our owner’s dad moved the team to LA only to discover that all the football fans there would rather watch games on TV than sit in traffic for an hour to drive five miles and watch in person. So he moved them back to Oakland where the fans show nothing but love in spite of years of futility. As reward the current owner wants to move back to LA. Probably because it has more chain restaurants. One of his favorite restaurants is PF Changs and his haircut looks like a lettuce cup.
Kyle:

They are threatening to move to LA and share a stadium with one of their most hated rivals, which is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. **** these guys.
Sean:

In a league where 32 teams split $7.2 billion dollars last season in revenue sharing - $226.4 million per team - our owner was seen flying SOUTHWEST AIRLINES to Denver to recruit Jack Del Rio. He probably sat in a middle seat, too.
Morgan:

My best friend has season tickets for the Raiders. He invited me to the HOU @ OAK game last season for what was my first attendance of a professional football game. Needless to say the experience did not disappoint. These were the highlights:

- The walk from the BART station, across the sky bridge, down to the front gates, up the ramps and to your seat is the real-world equivalent of the Troll Market scene from Hell Boy 2; a smorgasbord of goblins, witches, and Lovecraftian horrors offering apothecaric concoctions and libations from open containers.

- As we arrived at our seats with our drinks, we both had a double-take after the announcer shouted “HOUSTON, TOUCHDOWN #99”, marking JJ Watt’s first ever receiving TD. My colleague joked that he felt he “must be on acid” due to the absurdity of it all. The profusely sweating Raider fan (is there any other kind?) next to him interjected with an overly earnest: “yea, I’m trippin’ too, dawg!”

- Every single bathroom had an identical “meeting-of-the-minds” scenario where 4-9 full grown men in stained clothing congregated at the entrance of the restroom to smoke Black & Milds and foster camaraderie by calling every single person who walked in that wasn’t covered in dark clothing derogatory names.

- Whilst relieving myself, a half-naked man staggered to a trough urinal and began violently vomiting into it with his head fully engulfed in the basin. He subsequently passed out under it.

- Adjacent to our seats was the infamous Black Hole section. We saw three different fights break out. All three instances were Raider fans fighting each other.

- During the trek back after the game, we overheard some fans discussing how the team could easily go 6-10 or 8-8 if “Dennis Allen just starts making adjustments at the half.” My friend had to stop walking for a minute because he was shaking with both laughter and rage.
Alexander:

Every stereotype about Raiders fans (methhead biker, tatted up Nortegno gangbanger, escaped psych ward Darth Vader cosplayer) is 100% true.

They want every shit-tier, washed-up veteran FA because they somehow think that bringing him into the black hole will energize him into running for a thousand yards (**** MJD) or posting 18 sacks. Our coaching staff ****ing sucks & our facilities were constructed by the Byzantines; how could you possibly think that someone would come here & do anything more than play below average & cash a paycheck? Draft day is even worse. Raider fans just yell random names that they heard Mel Kiper talk about once in between hits of meth. Some of them wanted us to trade up to get Dante Fowler because SEC. **** this team & everyone that surrounds it with a wooden bat. Just let me watch them go 5-11 in peace.
Adam:

The fans are so oddly jazzed about the new weight facility Del Rio is establishing at the team facility, you would think the Raiders are copying the technology responsible for training Ivan Drago.
Josh:

My team sucks because the Tom Brady getting suspended for deflating footballs was the happiest I’ve felt about football in over a decade.

i laughed so hard at that ref fallin in that winston gif

because we are the chiefs

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: New York Jets
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Drew Magary
Filed to: Why your team sucks 2015 7/27/15 11:37am

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: New York Jets

Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: New York Jets.

Your 2014 record: 4-12 …

Your coach: Todd Bowles. “As soon as I got to be an All-American, I dislocated my wrist.” Yup. Sounds like a born Jet!

Anyway, Bowles arrives in New York as the replacement for Rex Ryan. The former was a hero to this team’s primary fanbase of surly ConEd manhole scrubbers. But that’s in the past now. Funtime is OVER. With Rex Ryan, you suck, but at least there are snacks. Now the Jets are going to suck in the most nondescript way possible.

This is the pattern in New York. The Jets bring in a brash guy like Rex Ryan and fans and the media are like, “Hey, he’s a loudmouth asshole like us! A REAL NEW YORKER!” And then the act wears thin and, as a counterbalance, the Jets bring in a quiet, lame coach, and a few years later everyone is like, “THIS GUY IS A PUSSY! WE NEED ANOTHER LOUDMOUTH ASSHOLE THAT WE CAN RELATE TO IN THERE!” And on and on it goes. If you’re lucky, you get a coach like Herm Edwards who BECOMES a loudmouth asshole just so he can fit in with you morons.

There’s also a new GM in town. Everyone say hello to Mike Maccagnan. Not sure that name is Irish enough. He sounds like every character in every Edward Burns movie. Maccagnan is a former scout for the Texans and known chiefly as a “protégé of Jets consultant Charley Casserly.” Sweet ****ing Jesus. That’s like bragging about taking a birth control seminar conducted by Antonio Cromartie. (It’s funny because he has many children.)

Your quarterback:


Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. Geno Smith is special in that he can **** up ANY play: basic handoffs, dump passes, quick counts … I don’t even trust him when the DEFENSE is on the field. When the Jets are on defense, I fully expect Geno to distract them by accidentally tripping over the stadium circuit breaker, thus allowing a 98-yard touchdown.

Once Geno is benched and allowed to say his final **** YOUs to the Jets fanbase, your options at QB are FitzMagic and rookie Bryce Petty. Oh … Bryce Petty. Oh, I bet they love you now. I bet every Jets fan out there is masturbating into his hard hat thinking about your potential. They’ll scream your name and cry out for you to replace Geno and Fitz every five minutes… and then you’ll enter the game, and throw one incomplete pass, and then the New York Post will print 500,000 commemorative issues with your face Photoshopped onto a butthole, blaring GO HOME PETTY BOY.

What’s new that sucks: Here is how pathetic the Jets are: They drafted Darrelle Revis, and then squandered his best years with Mark Sanchez at QB, and then openly feuded with him about money on more than one occasion, and then let him walk to Tampa, and then watched as he fled Tampa for New England and won a Super Bowl with their most hated rival. And then Revis cashed in by bilking the Jets for $39 million in guaranteed money. That is a highly embarrassing sequence of events for any self-aware franchise. This is not that franchise.

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: New York Jets

I mean … Christ. That is so sad. I’m not sure I can think of a more pathetic instance of misplaced arrogance. You are George Costanza, sitting in his car, thinking of a lame comeback hours after you needed it. Revis will be paired in the backfield with Antonio Cromarite, who doesn’t even have to be on the field to get burned these days.

In other news, Sheldon Richardson got suspended for four games, which ruins the only part of this team that ought to make you feel optimistic. Oh, and Jeremy Kerley re-signed! THE IMMORTAL JEREMY KERLEY. What a weapon. All your offensive woes have been solved.

But that’s not all! The Jets also let Percy Harvin walk after needlessly trading for him, and gave Chicago a fifth-rounder for Brandon Marshall to take his place. Marshall has personally talked about his history with Borderline Personality Disorder, so I can think no calmer, more stable landing spot for him than the ****ing JETS. He’ll be throwing a water fountain through a window and running away within five weeks. I hope they give him Harvin’s Gatorade opener.

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: New York Jets

Also, Stevan Ridley is here to tear his ACL. Has he torn it yet? He probably tore it just now. Oh, but he’s a former Patriot! THE JETS TRIUMPH ONCE AGAIN.

What has always sucked: As always, the Jets remain a second class team, eternally defined by their comical ****ups. And they play for a bunch of second class bridge-and-tunnelers who are unloved and unwanted by the very city their team claims to represent. Their “Show Us Your Tits!” brashness is hilariously transparent act that does nothing to cover up their massive insecurities. You morons think eggplant parm is a health food. You deserve this shit team, and you deserve this absolute SHITBAG of an owner … a clueless pharmaceutical scion who still probably rides a tricycle around his mansion while taking a dump in his training pants. The Jets are a team that is run by a baby, and cheered on by babies, and that will never change.

What might not suck: I’ll be damned, but the Jets had arguably the best draft out of any team in the league this offseason. They had Leonard Williams fall into their laps. They got an absolutely insane pass-catcher in Devin Smith. And they took a flyer on Petty in the fourth round. That’s a good draft! And there’s one thing I know about draft prognosticating, it’s that seemingly good drafts ALWAYS work out exactly as you envisioned.

Hear it from Jets fans!

Sean:

I had some tickets to see the Jets play on MNF last season, so I went to the closet to pick out my jersey for the game. I own 5 different player jerseys (although shockingly none of them are Namath or Revis). After 20 minutes of staring at my collection, I wore the Testaverde to see us get creamed by the Bears at home.

Kelly (Sean’s friend):

**** Sean. Sean is the one who dragged my ass to that same Monday night game, then pulled a god damn vanishing act at midnight, leaving me to shuffle home to the city at two miles an hour sandwiched next to a loud racist man in a Chrebet jersey aboard a New Jersey Transit train that smelled like farts. Like the king of farts. Have we done the research? Are we sure farts don’t originate aboard NJ Transit? This train car might well be the epicenter of all farts. **** Sean, **** the Jets, **** NJ Transit, and **** me, too. Sigh. If Chip Kelly manages to make the combination of Sanchez and Tebow work I will burn all five of Sean’s precious Jets jerseys in a trash can as close as I can possibly get to New Jersey without actually entering the state.

Brian:

God, I hate this team.

Andy:

**** Drunk Joe Namath tweets with a Hulk fist.

Rick:

My current life as a Jets fan:

- I celebrate first downs the way other teams celebrate touchdowns

- Last year, the Jets lost to the Patriots by 1 point in one game and 2 points in the other. Those were the happiest moments of the NFL season for me

- I actually said, out loud and completely seriously, “I’m excited they signed Ryan Fitzpatrick this year!!”

- Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Kill me.

Rory:

I once tweeted positively about Greg McElroy.

Robert:

The highlight of last season was watching Geno Smith light up the Dolphins in a meaningless Week 17 game. That was the best part. Nothing was more exciting. ****.

Adam:

The only thing worse than being a Jets fans are Jets fans themselves.

George:

I went to a Jets- Pats game at Giants Stadium with my brother-in-law. We are sitting in a section of mostly Jets fans chatting with the guy sitting next to us, nice guy. Needless to say, somewhere around the middle of the 3rd quarter there was an argument among Jetsfans further down the row. The “nice guy” we had been chatting with goes in to the middle to break it up...or so we thought. He proceeds to calm everyone down, and then turns and sucker punches the guy his friend was arguing with, falling on him and then flopping like a beached whale. Needless to say everyone was hauled off by security allowing us to survey the damage. Several members of the brawl looked as if they had softballs growing from their foreheads whilst others looked like they had just finished an MMA match.

Whilst this kerfuffle occurred, the Patriots fan sitting with his son right behind us asks, “Why are they fighting? They’re all Jets fans.” My immediate reply was, “Because we’re Jets fans. If we had reason or common sense we’d like a good team.”

Devin:

Because we had a fantastic, eerily competent offseason — got the consensus best player in the draft, signed a legit pass-catching savant, brought home the greatest player in our team’s history AND stole him from a hated rival in the process — and none of it matters because our quarterback is a human butt fumble named Geno. And all we have to hedge against this awful pit in our stomach is that Ron Jaworski thinks he might not be THAT terrible. **** you, Jaws.

Sean:

Because the most confidence I’ve ever seen from this team was Rex’s “Let’s Go Eat a Goddamn Snack” speech on Hard Knocks.

Alex:

Our fans at the Meadowlands make that Santa Barbara shooter look like Gloria Steinem.

John:

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: New York Jets

I went to a Jets-Bills game 2 years ago. There was a guy who was fairly inebriated about 4 rows down who was heckling any Bill that touched the ball. As a Jets fan, I have encountered my fair share of asshole fans at the stadium, but this guy was not only screaming at them but also waving a wrapped piece of Kraft Singles cheese in the air. Not sure exactly what the point of it was besides that it annoyed the shit out of the fans behind him. Security came over and he pretended like nothing happened and went about waving the cheese after they left. These are the ****ing people I have to associate myself with.

Julian:

Three years ago, Mark ****ing Sanchez threw the ball to Tim ****ing Tebow on a flat route and hit him in the back of his helmet.

Today, our quarterback situation is somehow even worse.

John:

When I am out in public and see or meet another Jets fan, I immediately hate them with my entire heart and soul. I don’t need to talk to them. I already know absolutely everything I need to know about them. They are the worst. Just like me. Every time I see a car on the highway with a Jets sticker in the window I want to drive it off the road. When I see a guy with a Jets shirt or jersey on I want to break his nose.

Steve:

My dad once gave my 8-year-old brother money to go to the concession stand at a Jets game. He came back with a hot dog for him and a beer for my dad. They sold beer to an 8-year-old! God bless New Jersey.

Mike:

We may have built the only stadium in sports history that is actually worse than the one it replaced. The building itself is a logistical brain **** and whoever designed this monstrosity, which resembles the Death Star more than a football stadium, should be jailed. If you’re sitting in the upper level, it will take you no less than a half hour to get out of MetLife after a game.

Jack:

**** Brett Favre sideways with a lunch box.

David:

Mark Sanchez is probably the best QB we’ve had in a decade.

Seth:

I went to E3 this year and got a chance to play Madden 16 at the EA booth. I asked one of the EA workers a question about the Jets mainly “Is QB the main position that is the weakest for the Jets?” His response was without a thought “Isn’t it always?”

Stephen:

When the new Nike jerseys came out, I went to a sports authority to pick one up. As I’m watching the game on TV in the store (Jets vs Dolphins) I’m looking at their selection and they only have Revis, Tebow and Sanchez left. I’m like “You know what? **** it. I’m gonna get the Sanchez jersey and support my QB”. And as I’m paying for it, literally after I swipe the card, Sanchez throws a pick in the red zone. **** the Jets with Revis’ NE Super Bowl ring.

Steven:

After the Jets’ two consecutive AFC Championships, when Sanchez was showing that he clearly sucked despite the playoff runs and could never be a successful QB, I was a merciless defender of his. I constantly pointed out his good play in the playoffs during 2009 and 2010 as a rookie and sophomore and kept pointing to his stats at that point in his career being similar to those of guys like Eli, who has won 2 superbowls, etc etc. One night, I got into one particularly heated argument with a friend of mine, who was a huge Giants fan, who loved to taunt me about my stance on Sanchez, constantly berating him as a terrible quarterback, and mocking me for supporting him despite all the evidence of his terribleness. I told him to shut up and watch the game about to start, confident that Sanchez wouldn’t let me down and would step up in the big game we were about to watch. What game was that, you might ask? November 22, 2012. Patriots vs. Jets. Thanksgiving night. Yes, BUTT FUMBLE night.

Jim:

I attended a game in the mid 80’s at Giants Stadium as part of a day trip from my parish to reward the altar boys for serving that year. We went to see the Jets where we saw all sorts of indecent behavior, culminating with seeing one Jet fan piss himself and vomit at the same time. As my pastor muttered under his breath that this place was a hell on Earth, a nearby fan heard him and said, “Guess you haven’t seen a game at Shea then.”

Adam:

I was almost a Giants fan. I was so close.

Submissions for the 2015 NFL previews are now closed. Next up: The Chicago Bears.

This franchise hired Herm to fix the defense. Let that sink in for awhile.

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Chicago Bears





Some people are fans of the Chicago Bears. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Chicago Bears. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Chicago Bears.

Your 2014 record: 5-11. Let’s find out how that tastes!

When we last left the Bears, they were crumbling under “QB guru” and man-who-is-mysteriously-hanging-out-at-a-playground-by-himself Marc Trestman. Turns out that hiring a lameass CFL coach isn’t the unorthodox masterstroke the Bears thought it was! WHAT A STUNNING TURN OF EVENTS.

You might also remember that the Bears OC last season was Aaron Kromer, who was caught anonymously shit-talking Jay Cutler to the NFL Network, and then had to tearfully apologize to the team after the fact. Kyle Shanahan laughs at your inability to leak things discreetly, Kromer. Since being jettisoned, Kromer has been arrested for allegedly punching a boy over the use of lawn chairs. Those are, presumably, the same lawn chairs that Chicago used to protect its quarterbacks last season.

Your coach: John Fox. When you want to win, but you don’t want to win TOO much, you call in John Fox. Remember: John Fox had Peyton Manning as his QB, and still managed to **** it up. Now his QB is basically Peyton’s slob roommate. “Jay! Jay, you used the last of the toilet paper!”

The Bears also shitcanned GM Phil Emery and hired Ryan Pace over from the Saints. One of Pace’s first moves was to convince ownership that signing Ray McDonald was a good idea. McDonald was then IMMEDIATELY arrested on domestic violence and child endangerment charges…

McDonald burst through his ex-fiancee’s bedroom door in a drunken early morning rage, threatening her and their baby boy hours before he was arrested.

Finally, a Bears defender with a mean streak! JUST LIKE THE OLD IRON MIKE DAYS! McDonald was cut two days two months after his signing. Pretty excited about Pace’s ability to vet talent, you guys! Big Brother conducts more thorough background checks than the Chicago front office.

Your quarterback: AWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Chicago Bears

You’ll never be rid of him, Chicago. He has 30 years and $567 buttzillion left on his current contract. Even getting benched for Jimmy Clausen—now the proud owner of half a skull—wasn’t enough send Jay Cutler packing forever. This man plays quarterback with the same amount of urgency that Adam Sandler puts into his film roles. One day, Cutler will just amble out onto the field in cargo shorts and demand to hand the ball off to Rob Schneider. It’s coming. I can feel it. He’ll never leave Chicago. He’ll build a patio at midfield and just hang out for the next two decades, grilling burgers while the Bears lose every game by 36 points. I kinda love him. If I were that rich, I’d be that lazy.

And while Cutler isn’t turning the ball over to nearby defensive backs, Cutler is busy defending his title as World’s Greatest Dad…

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Chicago Bears

“Help! Help! Brayzee wants a measles shot! What do we do, K-bear?!”

What’s new that sucks: Brandon Marshall was traded to the Jets and the Bears drafted Kevin White in his place because having Cutler as your QB means living under the delusion that he is always ONE WEAPON AWAY. “If we just surround him with 57 All-Pros, he’ll finally live up to his potential!” By the way, the only thing scarier than Cutler playing for the Bears is Cutler LEAVING the Bears. Despite all his ****ups, he’s still the best QB they’ve had in AGES. And once he’s gone (and he will be gone, eventually), it’ll be back to the demon carousel of Morenos and Millers and Tomczaks. That’s the future of this team: they will be boring and incompetent and Chicagoans will delude themselves into thinking they are more “hard-nosed” as a result.

What has always sucked: This defense. My God…this defense. Here’s a fun fact from last season: against the Bears, Tom Brady went 30-for-35 with five touchdown passes. Four of those incompletions were drops. The Bears defense is air. You can go right through it, as a ghost would a wall. They are not there. Peanut Tillman and Lance Briggs are now gone. Jared Allen is older than the classic rock he listens to, and will now be forced to play out of position in a 3-4 defense. New safety Antrel Rolle goes wherever Orbitz tells him to. Alshon Jeffery could catch three touchdowns a game this season and the Bears would still be playing catch-up. They’d be better off trotting out cardboard cutouts of Ditka-era players on defense. The fans would go BATSHIT for them.

Because, as always, Bears fans remain preserved eternally in the year 1985. They are an artifact, swilling shitty beer and grilling on the lakefront bike path before games and hooting about BEAR WEATHER. They harbor a perpetual inferiority complex due to the fact that Chicago is not New York and never can be due to its geographic location at the center of the Arctic Frost Stream. And so fans in Chicago bulk up on pig fat and Malört and pretend they have the right to a HARDSCRABBLE, BLUE-COLLAR team, desperate to deny the fact that they are soft people cheering for the softest roster in the NFL. This is the team they deserve: lazy, flat, uninspired. This is what you get for immortalizing Mike Ditka, who is a moron and a shitbag. **** Ditka, **** the Bears, and **** walking anywhere near that lake during the months of September to May.

What might not suck: This is a good coaching staff! Thanks to the combined egotism of Jed York and John Elway, Fox managed to snag Vic Fangio to run the defense and Adam Gase to run the offense. Imagine what that staff could do with actual players instead of a pile of headless, discarded Marshall Field’s mannequins.

Hear it from Bears fans!

Justin:

A few years back my buddy went to Bears Training Camp. Later that day, he walked by Jay Cutler while wearing CUTLER’S JERSEY, said ‘Go Bears’ and pumped his fist. Jay gave him a dirty look, then looked away and kept walking.

Erik:

Ugh this season is just going to be depressing.

Nate:

Joel Quenneville could coach the Blackhawks to a dozen more Stanley Cups and he’d still be less popular and beloved than Ditka.

Michael:

I am the idiot who spent $250 on an opening day ticket so I can watch Rodgers personally fist **** every last one of our players as Cutler and his unvaccinated family sit on a mountain of money. I’ve basically paid to watch the team I love bukkake all over my childhood.

Josh:

The defense last year was less credible than any of the city’s politicians.

Matt:

So about a month ago I was driving on the highway outside Chicago in mild traffic on the way to my girlfriends place. I saw a car in my rearview mirror coming up fast behind me, cutting people off and driving entirely way too fast for the traffic level. My first thought was, “What a dick”. My second thought was to do my usual “disapproving dad-stare” at the erratic driver as he passed me. He was going so fast I only got a quick glimpse of him but I instantly thought, “Holy shit was that George McCaskey?” Then I thought, “The owner of the Bears would drive a nicer car than a 2010 Honda Accord”.

But then I Googled it anyway. I am 99% sure it was him. Turns out Mr. McCaskey is a fan of Honda Accords, driving his last one over 200,000 miles before buying his newer 2010 model. It looks like the Bears aren’t the only thing he plans on driving erratically into the ground over the next few years.

John:

Some people think Cutler’s wife nuts because she doesn’t believe in vaccinating her children, but she may be on to something here. If every child born in Chicago were to forgo the scientific miracle which is vaccination, they may not live long enough to become Bears fans.

Tyler:

The greatest moment of the past 30 years was a kick return in a game we lost.

Nelson:

Jay Cutler is one of the only NFL QBs who’s legitimately more fun to watch when he sucks. A 60-yard shuttlecock lob off his back foot for no reason? Interceptions? Who gives a shit! It’s like the dude’s whole weird existence is just to troll sausage-y white North Siders named Gene. Honest to God, Chicago after a Cutler implosion (Cutler-Bomb!) is so ****ing fun.

Alex:

We waited 60 years to try out this whole “passing offense” thing and put it all on the shoulders of the most unlikeable dick in football.

Chris:

My friend who suffered from epileptic seizure activity throughout his life finally had a series of operations that fixed the issue completely. Soon after, with no prior interest in football, he told me he was taking up Bears fandom. This is 100% truth: A man literally has a piece of his brain removed, becomes a Bears fan.

Uzair:

I have to argue with my annoying friend from Detroit that Cutler is better than Stafford, even though I don’t believe anything I say.

Tony:

Kevin White could be the new A.J. Green but we will throw enough tunnel screens to turn him into the next Marty Booker.

Matt:

I hope Mike Ditka gets ****ed by a 2x4.

Greg:

Lost in all the discussion of Jay Cutler’s inaccuracy and personality flaws is that it wouldn’t matter to Chicago fans or the flagellants in the city media. Cutler could go 14-2 with Peyton Manning’s PR skills, and all he’d hear about would be either the two losses or pissing and moaning that the face of the franchise was a skinny, light-in-the-cleats quarterback instead of an MLB.

It’s the NFL equivalent of having a stepfather who makes it clear that you’ll never live up to his expectations and gets even madder if you stop trying to.

Antwan:

**** Jerry Angelo and Marc Trestman with a dildo used by one of Kristin Cutler’s Anti-Vaxxer friends.

Julie:

90% of the fans and at least 40% of the media thinks our #1 receiver’s name is Alshon Jefferies.

Dan:

**** the Bears and every Offensive Coordinator they’ve had for the past 25 years.

Michael:

Bill Barnwell just made a list of the 100 best players in the NFL.

Robert Mays just listed the 10 best offensive lineman in the NFL.

Not one Chicago Bear made either list.

Neal:

Jay Cutler plays football as if he’s trying to piss his dad off.

Sam:

Why didn’t you talk to the victim in the McDonald case, Georgey? Because she’s too biased! That’s what he ****ing said. Seriously **** that guy.

Wedig:

I had a dog named Ditka, I am the asshole who named him. He died of cancer during last season’s shit show. He was only six.

Stephen:

People here speak fondly of Kyle Orton, and not just sarcastically either. I mean, we actually miss him.

Demetrios:

The chairman of our team was impressed that a multimillionaire domestic abuser bought his own plane ticket to Chicago.

Mike:

We worship Ditka 30 damned years after Super Bowl XX in spite of the fact that he is Donald Trump with a mustache.

Robster:

My wife and I went to San Francisco on our honeymoon to watch the Bears game. Cutler threw five picks that day, the last of which was in the end zone right in front of our section as time expired.

Joey:

Two different Bears kickers (Robbie Gould and Jay Feely) missed an extra point last season.

Adam:

They signed noted terrible person Ray McDonald because his parents said he’s a nice guy and not a lady-beating shitstain. Before he could even make it to training camp the exact thing that we all knew would happen happened and the front office looked as dumbfounded as Jim McMahon during one of his concussion spells.

Michael:

I pulled my hamstring near the finish line of the Soldier Field 10 Mile back in May, which happens to be on the field. I had to limp across the 50 yard line and in that moment I felt like a true Chicago Bear.

Justin:

Arguments made by Bears fans who want to get rid of Jay Cutler:

1) He commits significantly more unforced turnovers than any other non-Blaine-Gabbert-level starting QB; 2) He has unquestionably the worst contract of an player in the league, and maybe in all of North American sports; 3) He has terrible body language and leadership skills unbecoming of the NATIONAL FOOTBAW LEAGUE; 4) Despite the fact that the Bears have at least one pro-bowl level talent at every offensive position except QB, they’ve only truly been a top-tier offense during one season of Cutler’s tenure - the same season that Josh freaking McCown started half of the games, with zero dropoff in the offense’s performance; and 5) To make matters worse, he routinely plays his worst games of the year against the Packers, who are not exactly a defensive juggernaut against anyone else.

Arguments made by Bears fans who want to keep Jay Cutler:

1) He is indisputably the best QB the Bears have had since at least the early ‘90s and arguably since SID LUCKMAN in the ‘40s, whom nobody alive remembers playing; 2) if the Bears get rid of Culter, it will take multiple years (or, if recent history is any guide, multiple decades) to replace him with someone similar, let alone better; and 3) the closest thing to a realistic playoff scenario for the 2015 Bears involves Culter starting and playing well.

The killer, of course, is that all of the above arguments are 100% correct.

Daryl:

Since the McCaskeys are too cheap to own their stadium, the Chicago parks and rec department runs it, meaning there are high school games played there on Fridays and Saturdays, leaving the natural grass a complete mess all season.

VB:

We, the Bears’ fan base, are too stupid to realize the SNL Superfans are making fun of us. We still think playing “Bears football” is a thing and that it’s how you win in Chicago. We think it’s impossible to pass in cold weather even though an Acorn-dicked Wrangler-wearer spent almost two decades showing us differently.

Sean:

It’s a good thing the Blackhawks held their rally at Soldier Field, because that’s the last time a championship will be celebrated there for a long long time.

Tom:

I went to a Bears/Packers game in Lambeau flying my Chicago flag. The people all around us tailgating gave us some good-natured shit and then offered us beer from their cooler and food off their grill.

Went to the same game in Chicago. One of my fellow Bears fans called a 12-year old wearing an Aaron Rogers jersey a ****.

We are not good people.

Submissions for the 2015 NFL previews are now closed. Next up: The Atlanta Falcons.

ROFL @ Jets.

LMAO