***Official E-mail Fowards Thread***
 

Old or new, post any of those emails forwards that you found funny or touching here.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:



'You just happened to catch my eye.'

A 5 year old's first job...

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten
dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten
dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house n ext door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?' The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the ****in' sheet rock.'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it.

Making Fish Sticks

One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that.
A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"

The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."

I just got this from someone who accidently typed my email address instead of her friend of the same name.

Hi, my name is Amy Bruce.

I am 7 years old, and I have severe lung cancer . I also have a large
tumor in my brain, from repeated beatings. Doctors say I will
die soon if this isn't fixed, and my family can't pay the bills.

The Make A Wish Foundation has agreed to donate 7 cents for every time
this message is sent on.

For those of you who send this along, I thank you so much, but for
those who don't send it, what goes around comes around.

Have a Heart, please send this.

Please, if you are a kind person, send this on.

PLEASE HIT FORWARD BUTTON NOT REPLY BUTTON.

YOUR'S FAITHFULLY,
AMY BRUCE
amy.bruce@makeawish.com

And here's my reply.

Hi (sender and everyone on her email list),

First of all, this IS a chain letter.

Second, Make A Wish Foundation's official website is wish.org not makeawish.com (though they seem to have purchased this domain now as well).

Third, there is no technology in the world that will allow anyone to accurately track forwarded emails in order to make payments for each message forwarded. So ALL emails claiming this are lies.

Fourth, this sort of false reporting is such a problem that Make A Wish has a special place on their website to deal with it. http://www.wish.org/about/chain_letters They are surely flooded with phone calls and emails from people complaining about this practice and they end up wasting their valuable and limited resources on fielding complaints about something they have no control over. If you want to help them, don't send this email to anyone. And if you want to help the world, do the same for every such email.

Fifth, I'm sure Make A Wish Foundation would love to have members of your email list(s) make actual donations to them. While they don't send out money for emails like this, they do accept it. They also accept volunteer time and "building supplies, computer equipment, hot tubs and spas, frequent flier miles, loyalty points, shopping sprees and more". More information on how to help here: http://www.wish.org/help.

Sixth, 90+% of every email that is sent out en masse like this is false. There is a website called Snopes (www.snopes.com) that researches each of these and much more and posts that research for all of our benefit. I ask anyone who might consider forwarding a mass email to search Snopes for it.

Seventh, here is the link to the Snopes entry for Amy Bruce. http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/medical/amybruce.asp

Eigth, since Make A Wish doesn't "in any way assist with procuring medical treatment for sick kids", you might want to consider also making a donation to the American Cancer Society. You can do that here: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/DON/DON_0.asp.

Ninth, in case you hadn't yet noticed, I'm not the (Full Name) you thought you were trying to send this email to. :) However if his email address is (removed from this post), rest assured that (based on the list of email addresses you are sending out for all the world to see) he already received this email from the very same person who sent it to you.

Tenth, have a great day and remember. For the most part, people don't like getting this sort of forwarded email at all. They probably just care too much about your feelings to say anything to you about.

Wow...you have a lot more motivation than I do. I just :shake: and hit delete.

Hot news!

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Yours truly.
does it mantra, hot habit

Subject: A Child's Life on The Farm. A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Be a good American
 

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

Bewarned.
 

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONITORY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON, D.C.
J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
DATE:10/09/2008

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.

»www.fbi.gov

NOTE: We have received series of reports against you through the FBI monitoring agents in conjunction with the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), Federal Republic of Nigeria as well as the Anti Fraud Unit of the Central Bank of Nigeria.

We have noted that you had been strictly guided by the above mentioned security agents on your dealings with some internet imposters/scammers but you failed to abide by the laid down instruction without thinking of the consequences. Note that you have been giving enough time to restrict your dealings with these imposters otherwise you shall be considered dubious and fraudulent and will be treated as such as the law demands.

Finally, our defense strategy has yielded a voluminous result with the assistance of the international police in every country, Economic and financial crimes commission (EFCC) in conjunction with the Anti Fraud Unit of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Be informed that the petition authoritatively writing against you will pave way for legal action against you if you continue with your dealings on the above subject matter. Remember, no one is above the law. This email should serve as a warning to you to comply with this directives with immediate effect otherwise, we shall apprehend you for questioning and subsequently prosecute you according to the criminal law of the International Court of Justice. Bewarned.

Note that you are being monitored in every of your correspondence. Make sure that you respond to this email so that we can advice you accordingly for your immediate payment.

Faithfully Your's,

ROBERT MUELLER
DIRECTOR, WASHINGTON DC FBI.

> A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
> hardly speak.
>
> After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>
>
> The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting
> nervous On the
> pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If
> I start to get
> nervous, I take a sip.'
>
>
> So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
> At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
> drink.
>
> He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>
>
> Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
> following note
> on the door:
>
> 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
>
> 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>
> 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>
> 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>
> 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
> 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>
> 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
> Daddy, Junior
> and the spooky.
>
> 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
>
>
> 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
> donkey, don't say
> he was stoned off his ass.
>
> 10)We do! not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
>
> 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,
> 'take this and
> eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat
> me'
>
> 12 The recommended grace before a meal is not:
> Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
> the grub, Yeah God.
>
> Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
> ST.Peter's not a
> peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

MOMMY & UNCLE FRANK

(((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??"

If only one person posts a warning about standing next to a microwave with tattoos, it'll make my day.

I crack up every time I read this one.
 

>ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?
>
>COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
>about
>buying a computer
>
>ABBOT: Mac?
>
>COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
>
>ABBOT: Your computer?
>
>COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>
>ABBOT: Mac?
>
>COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
>
>ABBOT: What about Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
>
>ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
>
>ABBOT: Wallpaper.
>
>COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
>
>ABBOT: Software for Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
>proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
>
>ABBOT: Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
>
>ABBOT: I just did.
>
>COSTELLO: You just did what?
>
>ABBOT: Recommend something.
>
>COSTELLO: You recommended something?
>
>ABBOT: Yes.
>
>COSTELLO: For my office?
>
>ABBOT: Yes
>
>COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>
>ABBOT: Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
>
>ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say,
>I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
>
>ABBOT: Word.
>
>COSTELLO: What word?
>
>ABBOT: Word in Office.
>
>COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
>
>ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
>
>ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W
>
>COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some
>straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
>
>ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.
>
>COSTELLO: Maybe a real one , maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
>business. Just tell me what I need!
>
>ABBOT: RealOne.
>
>COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch
>them?
>
>ABBOT: Of course.
>
>COSTELLO: Great, with what?
>
>ABBOT: RealOne.
>
>COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
>
>
>ABBOT: You click the blue 1
>
>COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
>
>ABBOT: The blue 1.
>
>COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
>
>ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.
>
>COSTELLO: What word?
>
>ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
>
>ABBOT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world
>
>COSTELLO: It is?
>
>ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
>much wiped out all the other Words out there.
>
>COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
>
>ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of
>Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping
>you
>have anything I can track my money with?
>
>ABBOT: Money.
>
>COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
>
>ABBOT: Money.
>
>COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>
>ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
>
>COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
>
>ABBOT: Money
>
>COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
>
>ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
>
>COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
>
>ABBOT: One copy.
>
>COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>
>ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>
>COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
>
>ABBOT: Why not, they own it.
>

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shiit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shiit-faced from all the beer.



Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. biatch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?



Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!



Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shiit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!



Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shiit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

ROFL

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or
> So. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the
> Pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant
> Behind the counter, and she could see that I was new
> at it.
>
> She handed me the package and asked if I knew how
> To wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
> So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
> Slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
> Sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
> Looked confused. So she looked all around the store
> To see if it was empty. It was empty.
>
> 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the
> Door, and locked it.
> Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
> Unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
> Her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
> Asked.. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
> Was nod my head. She then said it was time to
> Slip the condom on.
>
> As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
> Removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well,
> Come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
> So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that
> Unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
> KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
>
> She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
> Put that condom on?' she asked.
> I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to
> Show her.
> She fainted.

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she.
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

I Just Want You To Hold Me

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.
I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when the words "I do" are heard.

One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I'm obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a "Woman."
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.

The very next day we went shopping at a big department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say
OK.
Then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... It went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You obviously are not in tune with my financial need as a "Man."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the cashregister, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

I got this one this morning. Its a little amusing

Who Has Better Friends? Men or Women ...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still there

I just got this one:
-----------------


One day, a long, long time ago .......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.




But this was a long time ago.......



and it was just that one day.







The End

I keep some of the funnier or more sentimental ones in a folder in my email. They're good to go back and read or laugh at when I'm having a bad day. A few of the ones I've posted are from years ago. I took off the last line from the one about men and women that said "I might be having sex again in the Spring of 2006." I think it was 2003 when I got it.

I'd **** a chick with a glass eye. Hell, two glass eyes. And a pegleg.

Awesome thread. Now all this shit can go in one place and I don't have to see them ever again.

So this many people have actually READ forwarded e-mails? I delete ANYYTHING that has been forwarded.

Just what I was thinking when creating it, actually.

I hardly get any anymore. I usually don't read them unless they're from someone I know who knows what I think will be funny.

Just got this gem today:


Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank
children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids
when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the
child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say
it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video
Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after
our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my
son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
Your Friend

PS - This works with grandchildren, nieces,and nephews as well.













http://img515.imageshack.us/img515/9109/image001ne3.jpg

I don't think I've received that one, but it seems like I've seen it. I love it. LMAO

A couple of sappy ones.



The Poor Donkey


One day a poor farmer found that his donkey had fallen into a well. The
animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what
to
do.

Finally he decided the animal was too old for useful work anymore and
that
the well had dried up and needed to be filled anyway - it just wasn't
worth
it to retrieve the donkey.

So he sent word to all his neighbors to come over and help him. They
appeared later on with their shovels and began to throw dirt into the
well.
At first, the donkey cried horribly at this unforeseen turn of events.
But
then, to everyone's amazement, he quit braying and was silent.

Minutes passed as they silently shoveled until the farmer finally looked
down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel full
the
donkey would shake the dirt off his back and then step up. The farmer's
neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, and the donkey
continued to shake it off and take a step up. By night fall they were
amazed
as the donkey's head appeared at the edge of the well. Furiously they
shoveled faster until the dirt filled the well and the donkey stepped
over
the edge and trotted off!

Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick
to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. With
steadfast effort on your part, those who shoveled dirt on top of you will
soon admire your spirit and help you out of the well. We can get out of
the
deepest wells just by never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

I actually cried when I read this one. I know. I'm such a chick.


>The old phone
>
>When I was quite young, my father had one of the
>first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the
>polished, old case fastened to the wall.
>
>The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I
>was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen
>with fascination when my mother talked to it.
>
>Then I discovered that somewhere inside the
>wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name
>was "Information Please" and there was nothing
>she did not know. Information Please could supply
>anyone's number and the correct time. My personal
>experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day
>while my mother was visiting a neighbor.
>
>Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I
>whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was
>terrible, but there seemed no point in crying
>because there was no one home to give sympathy.
>
>I walked around the house sucking my throbbing
>finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone ---
>Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged
>it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver
>in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please"
>I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or
>two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.
>
>"Information."
>
>"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came
>readily enough now that I had an audience.
>
>"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
>
>"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
>
>"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
>
>"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer
>and it hurts."
>
>"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.
>
>I said I could.
>
>"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to
>your finger," said the voice.
>
>After that, I called "Information Please" for
>everything.
>
>I asked her for help with my geography, and she told
>me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.
>She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just
>the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.
>
>Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary,
>died. I called, "Information Please," and told her the sad story.
>She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a
>child. But I was not consoled.
>
>I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and
>bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on
>the bottom of a cage?"
>
>She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly,
>"Paul always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."
>
>Somehow I felt better.
>
>Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."
>
>"Information," said in the now familiar voice.
>
>"How do I spell fix?" I asked.
>
>All this took place in a small town in the Pacific
>northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across
>the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.
>"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back
>home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new
>phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens,
>
>the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.
>Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene
>sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding,
>
>and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
>
>A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle.
>I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on
>the phone with my sister, who lived there now.
>Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and
>said,"Information Please."
>
>Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.
>
>"Information."
>
>I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me
>how to spell fix?"
>
>There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your
>finger must have healed by now."
>
>I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how
>much you meant to me during that time?"
>
>"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me. I never
>had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."
>
>I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I
>could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
>
>"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
>
>Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered,
>"Information." I asked for Sally.
>
>"Are you a friend?" she said.
>
>"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
>
>"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working
>part-time the last few years because she was sick.
>She died five weeks ago."
>
>Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did
>you say your name was Paul?"
>
>"Yes," I answered.
>
>
>"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called.
>
>Let me read it to you."
>The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what
>I mean."
>
>I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
>
>Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life
>have you touched today?
>

I had the CEO of an IT firm here describe this email to me today, and he thought it was a great idea (:rolleyes:)! I thought... :spock:.

I got it forwarded to me from my mom this evening... I guess it's making the rounds. How stupid are people?

:shake:

Subject: A Plan that WILL WORK for Americans

I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in
a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000
bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman
and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a
We Deserve It Dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free.
So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college – it'll be there
Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car – create jobs
Invest in the market – capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance – health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean – or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks
who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company
that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out
a puny $1000.00 ( 'vote buy' ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.

If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG – liquidate it.
Sell off its parts.
Let American General go back to being American General.
Sell off the real estate.
Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.

Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.'

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC .

And remember, this plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned
instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.


Kindest personal regards,

As 'tarded as that is, I would love to have $200K just fall in my lap for no reason.

the math is the reeruned part. it doesn't become 425k per person, it becomes $425. Christ. How do people overlook this shit? And you said he was a CEO?

Yep, I looked at him all puzzled, then just shut my mouth (was trying to close a sale). Was going to come home and google it to make sure that I wasn't missing some detail that he might have left out of his story.

Sadly, my own mother had forwarded it to me after getting it from a family friend.

Stupid.

:shake:

Our Nation Is at Risk


THIS IS TRUE!!!! I BOUGHT THE BOOK 'THE AUDACITY OF HOPE'!!

From Dreams of My Father:'I ceased to advertise my mother's race at the age of 12 or 13, when I began to suspect that by doing so I was ingratiating myself to whites.'

From Dreams of My Father : 'I found a solace in nursing a pervasive sense of grievance and animosity against my mother's race.'

From Dreams of My Father:'There was something about him that made me wary, a little too sure of himself, maybe. And white.'

From Dreams of My Father: 'It remained necessary to prove which side you were on, to show your loyalty to the black masses, to strike out and name names.'

From Dreams of My Father:'I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa , that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself , the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois and Mandela.'



And FINALLY the Most Damning one of ALL of them!!!

From Audacity of Hope:'I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction.'

Man I always delete email forwards, I hate them.

Everyone, please send this out.



Dear friends,

Two weeks ago, the Research Association for Internet Network Maintenance and Neosystematics released a disturbing study about the system's e-mail capacity.

To summarize that study, the number of e-mails sent each year has grown exponentially since the inception of e-mail systems. In 1971, the year of the first e-mail, the total number of e-mails sent was 8. Current projections show approximately 35 BILLION e-mails sent EVERY DAY.

Of these 35 billion e-mails, it is estimated that approximately 57 percent are spam e-mails and forwarded e-mails of topics deemed to be cute, inspirational, funny, or otherwise worthy of being sent to others in a person's circle of friends and acquaintances.

Now, however, e-mail traffic is rapidly consuming available Internet transmission space, to the point where experts now expect the current infrastructure to be overwhelmed within 16 to 24 months. This means that e-mails that now take only seconds to deliver could take up to four days, slower than actual physical mail.

While long-term solutions are still needed, we can all help in the short-term by limiting the number of non-vital e-mails that we forward to friends, relatives, coworkers, and acquaintances. If we completely eliminate all forwarded mass e-mail, we could conceivably keep the current e-mail system up and running for another four to six years while experts work on a more permanent fix.

Please send this to everyone you know, so we can save the e-mail system!

> MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
>
> NICKNAMES
>
> * If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
> * If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
>
> EATING OUT
>
> * When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
> * When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
> MONEY
>
> * A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> * A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
>
> BATHROOMS
>
> * A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
> * The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
>
> ARGUMENTS
>
> * A woman has the last word in any argument.
> * Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
> FUTURE
>
> * A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> * A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> SUCCESS
>
> * A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> * A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
> MARRIAGE
>
> * A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> * A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
>
> DRESSING UP
>
> * A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> * A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. - maybe
>
> NATURAL
>
> * Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> * Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
> OFFSPRING
>
> * Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> * A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

not a funny one, but I liked it....
 

TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine!

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.'

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.'

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the waste disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.'

HR Dept.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and
Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper
exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with....
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Today is International Disturbed People's Day. Please send an
encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally
pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're frigging special.

This is the kind of crap I get every day. :shake:

Hello Friend,

when God speaks, it would surely come to reality. I received
God and knowing the truth ,i understand that the truth have
set me free. Having known the truth, I had no choice than to do
what is lawful and right in the sight of God for eternal life
. I have the pleasure to share my testimony with you,
I am Barrister Catherine Levett ,i am from UK(UNITED KINGDOM), i
am the legal adviser to late Mr and Mrs Elizabeth Chapman , a
Russian couple that lived in my Country UK for 25 years before
they died in plane crash. They were good Christians, They were
so Dedicated to God, but they had no child until their death .
Throughout their stay in my country in United Kingdom here , they
acquired a lot of properties like Lands, house properties, etc.
As their legal adviser, before their death, they Instructed me to
write their WILL. Because they had no child, they dedicated all
their wealth to God and the needy in the society . According to
the WILL, the properties have to be sold and 40 percent of the
money will be given out to the person who will manage and
utilize this money very well for his own personal use ,then the
remaining 60 percent will be given to the same person so he will
use it for the ministry that will spread the works of God, and
for the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans,
destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children,
barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped
financially. As Their legal adviser, all the documents for the
Properties were in my care.





In short, I sold all the
properties after their death, as they instructed and as matter of
fact, after I sold all their properties, I realized MORE THAN
Twenty million, five hundred thousand US Dollars
($20.500,000,00), what was supposed to be the percentage
interest of my right legal fee was firstly deducted by me out of
the total amount realized from the sold properties, this was
based on the initial agreement between me and the owner of the
properties before their death. Therefore the total amount left
for the person that will manage the money and the money to be
invested into God's work as instructed by the owner is Eighteen
million, five hundred thousand US Dollars ($18.500,000,00) only.
But Instead of giving the FUND OUT as instructed to me by the
owner before their death, I converted the fund to myself with the
intention of investing the fund abroad for my personal use. I was
afraid of putting the fund in the Bank, because I had to give
account to the bank on how I got the money. I then packaged the
fund in consignments and deposited the consignments with a
security company. I did not want the management of the Security
Company to know the content of the consignments; therefore I
registered the content of the consignments as Gold Bars.



I had an encounter with God when Rev. Billy Graham was
preaching on television concerning Ananas and Sapphires who told
lies when they were told to bring money ,so that lives of people
will be saved in Acts 5:1-11. After hearing the word of God, I
gave my life to God and became a born again Christian. As a
born again Christian, I started reading my bible and one day, the
God opened my eyes to Ezekiel 33: 18 and 19 where the word of
God says: "When the righteous turneth from his righteousness, and
committeth iniquity, he shall even die thereby. But if the wicked
turn from his wickedness, and do that which is lawful and right,
he shall live thereby". I have asked God for
forgiveness and I know that God has forgiven me. But I have to do
what is lawful and right in the sight of God by giving out the
fund to the chosen ministry for the purpose of God's work and
needy people all over the world, as instructed by the owner
before her death. After my fasting and prayers, I asked God to make his choice and direct me to a honest Person but after my
fervent prayer over it, then you were nominated to me through
divine revelation from God, to
contact you ,for you to take 40 percent of the funds of Eighteen
million, five hundred thousand US Dollars ($18.500,000,00)for
yourself , and then to use wisely the remaining 60 percent of
the same money for the works of helping the underpriviledged in
the society. . I have notified the Security Company where I
deposited the consignments that contained the fund that I am
moving the consignment abroad, and the security company has since
been waiting for my authority , so that the consignment will
leave my country and move to abroad. You should forward to me
your full name ,mailing contact address , telephone and fax
number for easy communication and to fax you the documents
concerning the consignments. Prompt response will be highly
appreciated.


Yours in God .

Barrister Catherine Levett

Attn: Sir/Madam,

My name is Mr. Song Li. I work with the Hang Seng Bank. There is a sum
of $19,500,000.00 in my bank Hang Seng Bank", Hong Kong.
There were no beneficiaries stated concerning these funds which means
no one would ever come to claim it. That is why I ask that
we work together.

I do solicit for your assistance in effecting this transaction. I
intend to give 30% of the total funds as compensation for your
assistance. I will notify you on the full transaction on receipt of
your response if interested, and I shall send you the
details and necessary procedures with which to make the transfer.

Should you be interested? Please send me your:
1. Full names
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address

Kindly indicate interest by replying with the below email address
only: Email: mrsong_li102@yahoo.com.hk

Kind Regards,
Mr. Song Li

I never will understand how people find a little kid that cusses like a sailor to be comical. I see that a lot in emails and I just don't see the humor.

This thread is a great idea, though.

LMAO

But usually only because they make noise while he's watching TV.

And oldie but a goodie. That one still makes me bust up.

Lookalikes
 

Got this email full of lookalike pics.

Lookalikes Pt. 2
 

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Pt. 3
 

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Pt. 4
 

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Pt. 5
 

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Subject: New Terms Now In Place For Stock Market Investing .....


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

LAUGHING STOCK -- It's what your family calls you for investing your hard-earned money in the stock market instead of Savings Bonds.

cut-n-pasted... yep
 

Thick cock is what ****s these farm girl sluts

Forbidden deeds committed in a barnyard
 

CAN'T HANDLE AN 11 SEED HAR HAR

I actually just got a viagra spam email from the email account of the minister at the church I go to. I'm hoping his google account was hacked.

Got this forwarded to me by one of my attorneys the other day. I know it's old, but thought it was cute for Christmas.


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2010
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2010
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2010
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2010
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2010
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!


Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2010
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

Some funny Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies

- I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

- Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

- I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

- Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

- Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

- I've run away to join a different circus.

- I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

In this thread.

Old people.

E-mail is inherently funny because it's like real mail but instead of in a mailbox it's in a computer, like some sort of movie.