Friday Jokes
 

Ok.. need some new jokes for the weekend...

Any really good ones that you've heard lately?

I'll start with the mandatory sexist jokes...

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.



A man was out golfing one day when he hit his ball into the woods. He went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to him, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes. The man freed the frog and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your wife will get 10 times more or better!'

The man said, 'That would be okay,' and for his first wish, he wanted to be the most handsome man in the world. The frog warned him, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your wife the most beautiful woman in the world, that men will flock to.' The man replied, 'That will be okay because I will be the most handsome man and she will only have eyes for me.' So, KAZAM - he's the most handsome man in the world!

For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your wife the richest woman in the world and she will be ten times richer than you.' The man said, 'That will be okay because what is mine is hers and what is hers is mine.' So, KAZAM he's the richest man in the world!

The frog then inquired about his third wish, and he answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

why does it take a woman longer to orgasm than a man?
Whos gives a shit

ROFL

I'll post this link here - I have given up on trying to infuse a little light-heartedness in that swamp of a forum.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...87#post1761887

It does?
:hmmm:

Foghorn Leghorn voice...

...come on boy try to keep up

Why Men Are Happier Than Women!

1. We keep our last name.

2. The garage is all ours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. We can be president.

6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

8. The world is our urinal.

9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.

16. One mood, ALL the time.

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. We know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. We can open all our own jars.

21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. Everything on our face stays its original color.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. We almost never have strap problems in public

28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. We don't have to shave below our neck.

31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.

34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

If Endelt ever gets married....


Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several
hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself
away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.

Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go
home. I'm already 2 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself.
The ole' lady is gonna kill me.

The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you
got twenty bucks?"

The first says, "Yeah, why?"

The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket.
When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some
guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry
cleaning. I do it all the time.

The first guys says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two
continued to drink for the next couple of hours.

Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting
up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and
says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a
skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have
you got to say for yourself?!?"

He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me
and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my
front pocket."

She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills.

She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"

He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

That one always cracked me up.

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.


"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

since Friday means party night for me...
Today's Alcoholic Survival Tip:


Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop place an order, and when they
go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

Subject: [Fwd: FW: David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex]


David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons why Golf Is Better Than Sex:


#10 - A below par performance is considered damn good.




#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of


beers.




#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.




#7 - Foursomes are encouraged.




#6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.




#5 - Three times a day is possible.




#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone

else.



#3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.




#2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.




And the #1 - reason why Golf i s better than Sex...


If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.