The time I helped my dad buy a suit for my wedding. He looked at the price, and the salesman:

"My butthole ain't lined in gold!"

I could share about the time I was 12 and my dad told me his current wife's (his third) pussy smelled like a rotten toilet.

Or the time he told me I could have any one of a million dads but only one mom. My mom found great offense in this, my dad failed to see what he'd really said.

Or my youngest brother being about 10 and complaining about his teacher. "Is she feeding you? Is she ****ing you? Then she don't matter...."

"Buy you books and send you to school and all you think about is ****ing the teacher..." My dad told me when I was in 5th grade.

I can go all day...

My grand dad used to mess with us by saying, "I'll knock the fart outta you".

Son, you have illusions of grandeur.

"Who hit him in the ass with a sour apple this morning?"

What do you want, egg in your beer?

My mom would say this "Now who's ass is the blackest?" when pointing out she was right and the other person was wrong.

My dad would say "That's the gubment ****ing you in the ass with the big green weenie"

Dad: 'Son ****ing your mom was like ****ing a wet sponge'.

You want fair?

Go to Sedalia in August.

"Son, I've done square danced twice in towns you ain't even heard of before!"

Gramps-

You're ****ing this cat I'm just holding the tail..

The only way you could be dumber is to be bigger

I'm fuller than a junk yard goat (after a large meal)

Oh, when my dad will sneeze really loudly a few times in a row, he'll yell "shit fire"! At the end of the last sneeze.


.....now I do that shit.

'Want' in one hand, shit in the other. See which one fills up faster.

My grandpa used to say "that's like feeding strawberries to a jackass." for example, after Roseanne sang the star spangled banner, he said that watching her was like feeding strawberries to a jackass.

He also said "cripe Pete" a lot. I say that now.

Dad to me: You don't know shit from Shinola.

When trying to juggle too many things/priorities my dad would say "it's like stuffing 5 pounds of shit in a 3 pound bucket"

Or "up to your ass in alligators"