ChiefsPlanet - Mitch Hedberg rules...

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more
important than others.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver.
"Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we
gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man,
you really like Tide..."

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is
what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave
to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand?
They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, this thing is
useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a
banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go
ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If
I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is
achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick
of not caring.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear
music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not
special. That's how I receive it too...I tried to taste it, but it did
not work...

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2.
That's why 2 was created.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you
exactly which way it's coming.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking
down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I
know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just
say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something
like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I
get ahold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I
answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough"

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought
that I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a
copy."

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please
Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I
though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was
trying to inspire me, c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try
again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on
the bottom, hope on top.

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick
the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a backflip, much
less several simultaneously with two other guys.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play,
I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're
freakin' relentless.

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on
the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of
potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laidback company. They said "Screw
it. Cut em up."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would
never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just
"Escalator Temporarily Stairs."

Because of dropping acid, I now know that butter is way better than
margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the
microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings
tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And
everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered
after the human being part because I did not know that there was a
second part to the question.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my
whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I
was tricky.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to
me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit."
As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible
and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a
waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party
of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say
their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But
then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name.
"Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes. No one
seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are
missing. You ****ers are selfish....the Dufranes are in someone's
trunk right now, with duct take over their mouths, and they're hungry.
Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.