I recommend you go if only to talk to the guy with your mama present (and your brothers & sisters as well, if possible) to find out what he specifically plans to do to permanently stop his abusive behavior. Then state he needs to show you all proof that he's attended AA meetings, anger management class,..whatever. Failure to comply and/or further reports of abuse means you won't be coming back until the dude's packed up and gone for good.

the only solution for an abused woman is to leave the abuser, and for many reasons that is difficult or even seen as impossible by the abused woman...

i'd vote for going, without the kids perhaps, and keeping that lifeline open for your mom...

with a little luck she'll come to see that she needs out and she'll need to know you haven't abandoned her because of her poor choice in men so you can help her get out...

short of counseling, she may not ever reach the point of escaping the abusive relationship but you need to actually be there to be there for her if that time finally comes...

otoh, those suggesting not going have made a number of good points too...

tough call anyway you slice it...

i don't envy you...

Get lost. That's idiotic. Don't confuse what I'm saying with what you're imagining.

I think you made the right choice in not going. The guy lives there so your going essentially endorses their relationship when that isn't how you feel. It's not like you need to kick her out of your life. Invite her over to your place (by herself) for some fun family time next weekend.

I'm not in the once an abuser always an abuser camp (especially if he only has problems when drunk) but alcoholism is a tough disease to kick. If one wife already divorced him over it I'd be pretty surprised if he makes a major life change over being kicked out of the house for a short period.

Sounds like you started out as a part of the solution, and are now part of the problem. Ultimately, your mother has done multiple things RIGHT by moving on after the death of her husband, standing up for herself against abuse, and bringing the family (you) in on it... All of which most women have trouble doing. She should be applauded, and trusted. Her judgement is clearly better than most in this situation, and it's your responsibility (IMO) to support her. To get into a pissing match about making her choose between her child/grandchildren and her fiance after she's trusted you and shown so much good will... I think that's pretty rotten man. I understand what you might be feeling, and don't blame you for wanting to get rid of the guy. But emotional gambits aren't the appropriate way to go about doing that. Go be a family, and enjoy your mom's company. She sounds like an awesome lady.

She said that he shoved her, let's not limit this to just the part about the "verbal" abuse.

You obviously have a problem with reading.

I thought you promised that you were done talking to me since you didn't have an answer to my question?

I don't have to answer your ****ing question because your ****ing question is stupid.

**** YOU.

No, of course you don't. It would be easier to not answer it if you stopped talking to me though.

Sorry, I was emboldened by the number of positive rep messages agreeing with me that you're a dumbass.

So what happens when Mr. Fiance' decides to down a couple and his less than pleasing side comes out. Isn't that going to be a pleasant sight for his kids to see? Some strange guy getting loud and obnoxious and possibly pushing around their grandma? Nah....that won't scar the kids in any way.

Some of the responders here might be right....nothing could happen and all will be well and good. But what happens if he does drink, gets abusive and causes a scene?

Oh OK. I'm glad you got the validation you needed to stop running away. You seem much more confident with this supposed crowd at your back. It's a moot point now though so it's a little late for you to get the courage to give me a straight answer to my simple question. I guess that means we're done here unless you can think of something else. :shrug:

I'm late to the party, as usual, but I'm firmly in the don't go camp. I've tried active intervention in my limited experience with people telling me about bad situations, and have had no luck. At all. At this point, I have to state my opinions and let people make their own decisions. Most of the time they don't do what I think is right (typically leave the situation) no matter how hard I persist or even intervene. Accordingly, I state my opinion and let them lead their life.

Also, it should be noted that I have 500 acres in the middle of nowhere. And a backhoe. Just sayin....

I wish I had known you in my early 20's

his mother knows how he feels...he said that.
the guy that's involved w/his mother knows how he feels. he said that.

what else is he obligated to do?
imo, i stay away from that occasion. everyone makes their decision. live with it.
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