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Hammock Parties 12-03-2008 12:18 AM

Whitlock with a refreshing angle - Carl and Al: LOL for BFF
Pretty funny.

I am not at liberty to explain how I obtained a confidential instant-message exchange between Chiefs president/general manager Carl Peterson and Raiders owner Al Davis.

But I was able to verify that if this computer communication between Peterson and Davis did indeed happen on Tuesday, it reveals a troubling and hilarious relationship between two of the most outdated and inept football executives working today.

Enjoy. Al, I apologize for not being able to personally thank you following our big victory over your Raiders on Sunday. It goes without saying that I will forever be in your debt. Carl, donít worry about it. Anything the Raiders organization can do to keep you employed within our division we are committed to making happen. Weíve read the reports back here that Clark Hunt is thinking about replacing you. The Raiders do not want to see that happen. We hope that 2-14 is enough progress for Clark to keep you and Herm Edwards around for at least one more season. Al, we feel the same way about you here in Kansas City. The Chiefs need you in charge in Oakland so we have a shot at avoiding last place in the AFC West. Your stewardship of the Raiders has given us great pleasure in Kansas City. We love what youíre doing with JaMarcus Russell. Iím not sure we couldíve won that game without JaMarcusí assistance. Again, donít worry about it. After the way Tyler Thigpen played in the first game, we felt like we owed you the best of JaMarcus Russell. If you notice, we made a point of putting the game in his hands rather than Darren McFaddenís. That was great. McFadden ran for 160 yards in the first game, and he only ran it seven times in Oakland. THANK YOU!!! We owed it to you. Hell, you drafted Glenn Dorsey. Would it really be fair for us to get maximum production from our talented rookie when your overweight rookie canít get off the line of scrimmage? I wouldnít do that to you, Carl. Weíve been milking the NFL for money for too long together for me to take advantage of your inability to draft. Hey, you drafted JaMarcus Russell No. 1 overall. Heís as bloated and out of shape as our defensive tackle. We both know how to screw up a high draft pick. Quit being so defensive. We all have our weak spots. You canít draft and I run off good coaches. Iím comfortable with my weaknesses. I drafted Derrick Thomas, Tony Gonzalez and Larry Johnson. You canít hit them all. You know what Derrick Thomas, Tony Gonzalez and Larry Johnson will get you? What? One playoff victory since 1993. LOL. Thatís about as funny as Tom Cable as head coach. Was Larry The Cable Guy unavailable? Wouldnít return your calls? Easy, Carl. Your guy Herm isnít exactly setting the world on fire. Heís a defensive ďguruĒ and his defense canít get off the field. Hey, why are we taking shots at each other? We both got what we wanted this weekend. I got a victory and can lie to my fan base and claim weíre making real progress. You helped me remain employed through the holidays. Happy Holidays, Al! Happy Holidays to you, too. Speaking of the holidays, my wife saw a wonderful black leather trench coat she thought would be perfect for you. Are you still wearing the old one we got you as a thank you for selecting Trezelle Jenkins? Funny you should mention Christmas. My wife and I were on the Plaza shopping the other night and spotted a lovely black leather sweat suit we thought you might like. And actually you sent me the original trench coat when I gave Carlton Gray a record contract. When we drafted Trezelle, you just sent flowers. My memory is so bad. I canít keep straight all the gifts I sent you. But Iíll never forget the black Mercedes we got you when you chose Elvis Grbac over Rich Gannon. You still driving that? Hey, Al, it was good catching up. I gotta go. Mike Shanahan just e-mailed, and I have to assure him our defensive ends will continue to be fooled on every bootleg.

StcChief 12-03-2008 12:19 AM

ROFL King and Al BFF

Hammock Parties 12-03-2008 12:20 AM

The sports editor at the Star must be an awesome person. That wouldn't fly in a lot of newspapers but I thought it was great.

BigRock 12-03-2008 12:55 AM

This harkens back to the secret memos from Grandpa Al to Paul Hackett that Whitlock used to do.

Hammock Parties 12-03-2008 12:56 AM


Originally Posted by BigRock (Post 5266488)
This harkens back to the secret memos from Grandpa Al to Paul Hackett that Whitlock used to do.

Man...wish this BB had been around then.

Whitlock should release a massive volume of his collected writings on the Chiefs. I'd buy that shit.

BigRock 12-03-2008 12:59 AM

I might actually have one or two of those in an old Word file somewhere. I'll look, but it'll take me a while.

Tribal Warfare 12-03-2008 01:05 AM


Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5266490)
Man...wish this BB had been around then.

Whitlock should release a massive volume of his collected writings on the Chiefs. I'd buy that shit.

Back then we were on the KCStar BB

Hammock Parties 12-03-2008 01:09 AM


Originally Posted by BigRock (Post 5266492)
I might actually have one or two of those in an old Word file somewhere. I'll look, but it'll take me a while.

I found it. Plus another one!

Hammock Parties 12-03-2008 01:12 AM

Kinda lame. This wasn't worth 3 bucks.

Turns out Al Davis is pulling Hackett's strings


OAKLAND, Calif. - A friend gave me a tour of the Raiders' facilities Friday night. We stumbled across a memo in Raiders owner Al Davis' office that shed quite a bit of light on what's been going on with the Chiefs' offense the last four years.

The friend, who signed a huge free-agent contract with the Raiders in the off-season, asked that I not use his name. He prefers to remain anonymous.

To: Paul Hackett From: Al Davis Subject: Operation Hackey Sack Dear Paul: Great work last week in Denver! When you emptied the backfield on third and short and let the Broncos know you were going to throw I thought maybe you had gone too far and Marty or Carl would strangle you right on the spot.

But they won't do a thing. Those pictures I sent you will keep those guys in line.

But what about this Sack The Hack campaign? Will that be a problem?

Do you need my help?

As you well know, Operation Hackey Sack is very important to me.

I planted you in Kansas City to ensure that Marcus Allen never makes it back to the Super Bowl. So far, you've done excellent work.

No one suspects that you're working for me.

But don't be so risky this week. Give Greg Hill the ball a few times in the first half.

Right now everyone thinks you're just incompetent. Let's keep it that way.

Just lose, baby, Al Davis Pick: Raiders 24, Chiefs 21 (seven field goals) 49ers (plus 1 1/2) at Rams Happiest man on the planet? George Seifert. Unhappiest man on the planet?

Steve Mariucci. It's no fun to coach the 49ers when Steve Young and Jerry Rice are unavailable.

Pick: Rams 17, 49ers 3 Broncos (minus 5 1/2) at Seahawks Seahawks owner Paul Allen considered postponing today's game so Seattle residents could continue to mourn the pundits, sportswriters and Seahawks fans who tragically died jumping off the Seahaw! ks' bandwagon after Sunday's 41-3 embarrassment to the Jets. A final number has not been announced, but the latest estimate puts the death toll at 1,123, with another 3,000 people suffering injuries that caused hospitalization and as many as 10,000 ankle sprains.

``In my long association with the league,'' commissioner Paul Tagliabue said, ``I've never seen so many people jump off a bandwagon at one time. '' Pick: Broncos 41, Seahawks 3 Buccaneers (plus 4 1/2) at Lions Someone forgot to tell me and Warren ``The Chronic'' Sapp that the NFL isn't a two-hand-touch league. Some people, particularly in the Bay Area, are criticizing Sapp for the two tackles he was involved in that injured Rice and Young. Baloney. They were great plays. Barry Sanders and Herman Moore better watch out today.

Pick: Buccaneers 13, Lions 7 Cowboys (minus 9 1/2) at Cardinals The Rev. Deion Sanders and coach Barry Switzer continue to clash.

Switzer is upset when he learns that Sanders plans to break-dance while rap evangel! ist Kurt Franklin performs the pre-game national anthem.

``Every time I ask Deion if the dancing will bother the bulging disc in his back, Deion shouts, 'G.P., are you with me? ' '' Switzer says. ``Why would the Green Bay Packers be with Deion? '' Pick: Cowboys 10, Cardinals 9

Hammock Parties 12-03-2008 01:16 AM

This is awesome though. Stumbled across it while combing the archives.

Trust me: Don't believe all you see with Chiefs


Warning: Irate columnist, who feels his credibility has been unfairly disparaged, exposing true feelings below. This column is piping hot. Parental guidance is strongly suggested.

This is probably a mistake - I'm giving a never-was has-been publicity - but I'm going to do it anyway.

This week Carl Peterson's media puppet, KCFX's Bob Gretz, has used Peterson's and Marty Schottenheimer's contract extensions as an excuse to say that there was no power struggle between Peterson and Schottenheimer, and that anyone who said there was - which would be yours truly - shouldn't be trusted.

Most of you already know that Gretz is a joke and that it would take a sledgehammer, two crowbars, a flame thrower, mace and a stick of dynamite to remove his lips from Peterson's backside.

Let's just remember that Gretz is the only "journalist'' in America who watched Marcus Allen and Marty Schottenheimer yell at each other on the sideline and concluded that no argument transpired and that anyone who said an argument did occur was making things up.

Now as for the television "journalist'' who scurried out to Arrowhead Stadium, watched an otherwise dignified multimillionaire make a fool of himself with a staged charade (yes, I'm talking about Lamar Hunt) and then reported Hunt and Peterson's version of the truth as gospel?

Well, at least Gretz gets paid for surrendering his ethics. These TV talking heads don't have an excuse.

I'm not suggesting that they should broadcast what I say as gospel. That's certainly not their jobs. But they could have flipped the power switch on their brains - if only for a moment - and pointed out the hypocrisy and obvious holes in what Hunt, Peterson and Schottenheimer said.

Anyone who objectively surveys today's NFL, looks at the turnover in the coaching ranks, the tension between general managers and coaches, the inevitable change ! that Hunt spoke of at Tuesday's sideshow news conference, real! izes the delay had to do with a negotiation of power between Peterson and Schottenheimer.

To stay on top, change must be met with change. Only a paid flunky would believe Peterson and Schottenheimer could survive eight years without struggling over power or adjusting their roles.

It's a tribute to Peterson's and Schottenheimer's intelligence and maturity that they were able to compromise, stay together and never publicly admit that Marty will have more say-so in this year's draft.

Sources say that Derrick Thomas' contract is a done deal. The Red Kremlin is waiting to announce it because Knight Carl is unsure how Neil Smith will react to Thomas' $4 million average.

Earlier this week my colleague Joe Posnanski wrote an entertaining and thought-provoking column questioning the decision to extend Schottenheimer's contract a month after the Chiefs collapsed.

I strongly disagree with JoeSki.

But if Marty retains offensive coordinator Paul Hackett, for the first time I will ponder whether Marty's stubbornness is a Super Bowl-killing flaw. Even if Marty believes Hackett is talented, he should be smart enough to realize that circumstances have rendered Hackett unretainable in Kansas City. The players don't believe in him.

Dennis Rodman should be suspended for the remainder of the NBA season.

Is Kansas State basketball coach Tom Asbury, who flirted with California, the new Glen Mason?

We'll ponder this issue in detail in a future column.

Is Missouri basketball coach Norm Stewart, who needs to flirt with retirement, the new Eddie Robinson?

We'll ponder this issue in detail in a future column.

Thought I'd better mention Jeff George's name. Jeff George. That continues a streak of 121 consecutive columns of mentioning his name.

The previous record was 120, held by Scott Brothers, the old sports editor of the Warren Central High School! newspaper.

Super Bowl Upset City: Patriots 30, Packers! 27.

I'll almost never bet against Pats Coach Bill Parcells. Plus, I'll never forget how ordinary the Packers looked in Arrowhead Stadium. Yes, I remember how beat up they were when they played the Chiefs.

Why would anyone want to outlaw the dunk from basketball?

The dunk is the most exciting move in basketball. Nothing draws applause more passionately than an important dunk. No question many ballplayers spend too much time perfecting the dunk rather than working on the other fundamentals. But the answer isn't illegalizing the dunk.

Next season, I like Jacksonville, but I don't like Carolina. It's still difficult for me to believe Klipboard Kerry Collins is the kind of quarterback who can carry a team far in the playoffs. With a tougher schedule next season I don't expect Collins to hold his starting job all year.

Tiger Woods for president!

Everyone is crying for poor little Michael Irvin and Erik Williams. Yes, I'm gl! ad they were exonerated. But Nina Shahravan, the airheaded topless dancer who falsely accused them of rape, may have been the only person in America who could make Irvin a sympathetic figure.

As stupid as it sounds, Shahravan's false accusation actually was beneficial to Irvin.

I don't write the ``Voices'' column in our sports section.

Some guy keeps calling me saying I owe him $100 because the Northwestern Wildcats football team finished above .500. He said I guaranteed the Wildcats wouldn't break .500 in 1996. I remember making the prediction.

Let's go double or nothing on the 1997 season?

Please, don't anyone call me anymore and ask whether Kansas City can support an NBA franchise.

The NBA is a horrible investment. The best thing about the NBA is the morning box score. When Michael ``Hot Air'' Jordan retires, so will the league. The league is a joke. The game is played at such a slow pace - with all these clear -outs and two-man plays - that even I could last a quarter or two.

Hammock Parties 12-03-2008 01:20 AM

Man, people think Whitlock mails it in from time to time now?

He's much, much better. No question in my mind.

FringeNC 12-03-2008 06:00 AM

Whitlock doesn't think much of Dorsey.

BigRock 12-03-2008 06:14 AM


Originally Posted by BigRock (Post 5266492)
I might actually have one or two of those in an old Word file somewhere. I'll look, but it'll take me a while.

I wasn't actually looking all this time, but I found a few. Another I'll post in it's own thread 'cause it's classic. But here's some more Hackett stuff. Just the fake letters, not the picks part.

The text was a little messy... I think it was from old newspapers getting scanned in as documents. But I cleaned it up as best I could.


Through a strange quirk of fate, a letter written by Chiefs offensive coordinator Paul Hackett that was intended for Joe Montana got delivered to my home. I accidentally opened it before looking at the name on the envelope. Thought you might find it interesting.

Dear Joe:

Hey, how ya doing, buddy? This is Paul Hackett. In case you’ve forgotten, we met many years ago in San Francisco. I was your quarterbacks coach with the 49ers in the early 1980s and later was your offensive coordinator in Kansas City. White guy, balding, about 6 foot 1, 190 pounds, wears glasses. You remember me, right?

In San Fran, I was the guy who always made sure you had a fresh ball to toss in warm-ups. I cleaned the dirt out of your cleats. At halftime I’d get your water and tell you how great you were playing. I did pretty much the same thing for you in Kansas City, except they let me sit up in the press box and wear headsets during the game.

Remember? You used to call me “Coach Hack”.

Anyway, Joe, I’m writing because I’m having some problems and I could sure use your help.

This playcalling thing has gotten a lot rougher since you went away. I never really got the hang of it in Dallas or at the University of Pittsburgh. But man, it was a cinch back when you were slinging passes.

I don’t want to bad mouth a friend of yours, but hey man, it’s tough calling plays for Steve Bono. You never know where he’s going to sling it. He’s killing our receivers. And he’s got all the defensive players mad at me. A couple of weeks ago, Derrick Thomas threatened to kick my you-know-what, and Neil Smith said he’d love to help him.

Today, Reggie White and the Green Bay Packers come to Kansas City. It’s a big game. If the offense stinks today, I’m afraid Thomas and Smith might do something rash. Something I’ll regret.

The game is going to be on national TV. I was wondering if you could watch the game on the tube and if I could call you from time to time during the game and ask you which play I should call? Or, if you’re really not too busy, think about flying out here. I’ll save you a seat next to me.

Paul Hackett

P.S. Tell Jennifer I said hi. If she doesn’t remember me, tell her I’m the guy who used to drop off and pick up your dry cleaning every Thursday.

According to my well-placed source within Arrowhead Stadium, upon returning Monday to Kansas City from Cleveland, site of the Chiefs’ embarrassing 35-17 defeat, head coach Marty Schottenheimer scolded his offensive coaches.

During a coaches only meeting, Schottenheimer verbally undressed offensive coordinator Paul Hackett, demanding to know what is wrong with the West Coast offense.

By means best left unstated, I got my hands on a memo Hackett faxed to Schottenheimer later in the week.

To: Marty Schottenheimer
From: Paul Hackett
Subject: West Coast Offense
Date: September 27, 1995

Dear Marty:

First let me start off by saying thank you. Thank you for talking Carl into letting me ride the team plane back to Kansas City from Cleveland. Carl’s threat – demanding that I hitchhike back – was an overreaction to a very tough loss.

Also, thank you for providing me and my family with a 24 hour security force. Although I’m sure most of the defensive players are joking when they say they’re going to hurt me and my family, my wife feels much safer with a SWAT team protecting our home.

Marty, again, your class and dignity in these trying times is something I’ll never forget. Thank you.

Now, as for your questions regarding problems with the West Coast offense, to be honest, I don’t know what the problem is. As you well know, I developed a reputation as an “offensive genius” because I happened to be coaching the quarterbacks in San Francisco at the same time Bill Walsh was the head coach of the 49ers.

Those were great days back then. Joe Montana was in his prime. Bill came up with brilliant game plans. And I rode Joe and Bill’s coattails into some great coaching opportunities.

I really appreciate you guys giving me this opportunity after I bombed as head coach at the University of Pittsburgh and as the pass-offense coordinator of the Cowboys. Again, thank you.

Now, although I can’t explain what’s wrong with our offense, I do know how to fix the problem. Secretly, I have talked to some of my friends in the 49ers’ organization. The 49ers are willing to pull off a blockbuster trade that I think will really benefit our offense.

If we send the 49ers Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith, Dan Saleaumua, Kimble Anders, our starting offensive line, and our next five first-round draft picks, they’ll send us Jerry Rice.

I think it’s a pretty good deal.

Your friend,
Paul Hackett

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