This.

Showing respect to your mom is also respecting your principles.
Lack of self control or allowing him to get between you and your mom would not be respecting your principles.
You can always excuse yourself and just leave if an issue arises.

You don't have the right to tell your mother how to live her life.

You DO have the right to tell how you're going to live YOUR OWN. You also have the right to let her know you don't approve of her letting herself be a doormat for a man.

You're absolutely doing the right thing.

I thought about just sort of going and being cordial, but I said I wasn't going to support this guy being around until he got treatment, and then, I was going to see it develop slowly. It's been 4 weeks ffs. I even told her I'd be happy to drive up in a few weeks to do lunch with her and maybe someday, I'd come to feel differently about him. I actually liked the guy until I heard how he was treating her. I think I have to stick to my guns here, but hell, I could also be nuts. My brother is going, and my sister is conveniently out of town.

And enable her?

I don't agree.

I'm not saying anything about your mom, but women who stay in abusive relationships do it because they like it. You're absolutely right to do what you're doing.

I wouldn't take my kids anywhere near that b@stard.

I like this approach best of the ones posted so far. As long as your mother wants him there, I don't know why you (tooge, not Rain Man) think it's a good thing to put her in a position of having to choose between the two of you.

Thats really where I'm coming from. I have a good relationship with my mom. Unfortunatley, we are almost too much alike and can be hard headed toward each other. I feel if I give in here, then I've set precedent. Not to mention, she's been with the guy for a year and a half, and said he's been abusive for the past year. She just told me 4 weeks ago. I've got ZERO trust for this guy. Unfortunately, the part of my mother that I felt secure about died along with my dad.

Because she is going to HAVE to choose.

We're not talking about love, we're talking about ABUSE.

There is no "choice" here.

Well, I don't trust him, and I'm not the one that caused all of this, so why should I have to "choose" to go and be uncomfortable just to be at thanksgiving for my mom. The guy knows how I feel, and if I were him, I'd stay away for a day or two and give the rest of us some time. Of course, I don't beat women either.

Hit him with some laughing gas while hes not paying attention and pull his teeth.

Invite her to your house instead.

These

Let's do a scenario analysis. Others can chime in if I'm missing something.


Scenario 1. You go and he goes. You both want to be with your mother on the holiday. You both have equal access, and it shows that he can't control her access. It's a draw until she decides that he has to go.

Scenario 2. You don't go and he goes. It shows him that he can further control your mother just by showing up. He limits her interaction with you, and he wins. I don't think it'll force a long-term breakup, so there's no direct win here other than maybe a short-term win by creating Scenario 3.

Scenario 3. You go and he doesn't go. If he doesn't go at your mother's request, it may put her more at risk for abuse later, though I think it's a long-term win. However, it probably causes her some short-term resentment toward you and won't do anything to solve the long-term problem. It's a win for you, but with some damage.

Scenario 4. You don't go and he doesn't go. Your mom eats a bunch of turkey and falls asleep on the couch during the Lions game.

I mean, will your kids wonder why they're not going to grandma's house, or will it be no big thing??

I mean, if your kids don't notice or won't care, then **** it, don't go.

If there will be awkwardness and tension for you kids to pick up on...the **** it, don't go.

I wouldn't take my daughter to some bullcassel like that.