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-   -   I'm on a mission to shit (http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=283786)

Hammock Parties 05-19-2014 11:46 AM

I'm on a mission to shit
 
Five days ago I had surgery.

On the first day I did not shit. This did not surprise me, as I had not eaten since lunchtime the day before.

On the second day I did not shit. This did not surprise me, as the doctors informed me that I may experience constipation.

On the third day, I did not shit. I became concerned. I began eating apples, taking a stool softener, and enjoyed a large bowl of indian beans.

On the fourth day, I did not shit. My bowels began to feel...too full. I drank two large glasses of Metamucil and two tablespoons of milk of magnesia.

It is the fifth day, and I have not shat, though farts are coming profusely and with great force. I took two tablets of Senokot (recommended by my doctor) and downed a large bowl of Kellog's Fiber Plus about an hour ago.

I'm on a mission. To shit.

Please, God. Let me shit.

Why Not? 05-19-2014 11:50 AM

Sounds crappy

BlackHelicopters 05-19-2014 11:50 AM

Prayers sent.

tooge 05-19-2014 11:51 AM

may the shartz be with you

booger 05-19-2014 11:51 AM

Gonna have to try a plunger

Rain Man 05-19-2014 11:51 AM

You should check to be sure that they didn't accidentally sew your rectum shut.

Dartgod 05-19-2014 11:51 AM

Everyone knows you're full of shit.

htismaqe 05-19-2014 11:52 AM

First of all, stop eating all that fiber. By ingesting fiber, you're actually forming bulk. Metamucil is actually making the problem worse, especially if you don't ingest that kind of fiber daily. It won't help you go, it will just fill you up.

I wouldn't recommend Senokot or any stimulant laxative as it's going to give you pain and cramping.

You're on the right track with Milk of Magnesia but

1) two tablespoons is not enough and
2) you don't need an antacid

Grab a bottle of this and drink the WHOLE thing. It is available everywhere that has a 3-aisle basic pharmacy and costs about $1. Wait 30 minutes to an hour. Don't get too far from the bathroom. It's safe and I guarantee you it will work.

http://img1.targetimg1.com/wcsstore/...5/11454275.jpg

Reerun_KC 05-19-2014 11:52 AM

Ask your boyfriend for help. Seriously surprised this would be an issue for you.

BryanBusby 05-19-2014 11:53 AM

Taco Bell

It has me shitting in no time.

Hammock Parties 05-19-2014 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 10638389)
Grab a bottle of this and drink the WHOLE thing. It is available everywhere that has a 3-aisle basic pharmacy and costs about $1. Wait 30 minutes to an hour. Don't get too far from the bathroom. It's safe and I guarantee you it will work.

http://img1.targetimg1.com/wcsstore/...5/11454275.jpg

PREPARE FOR BATTLE

RippedmyFlesh 05-19-2014 11:56 AM

Horrible feeling been there. Believe it or not an ER Dr recommended blueberry muffin from local chain. They were huge but did the job and tasted great. Do you drink coffee? Coffee and muffin is a sound play without bad side affects. For some reason Dr's are always less worried about this than patients.

Dante84 05-19-2014 11:56 AM

I wonder if your system will back up, and you'll shit out your mouth?

booger 05-19-2014 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain Man (Post 10638387)
You should check to be sure that they didn't accidentally sew your rectum shut.

He's gonna need a c section. It's gotta be breach by now

Dante84 05-19-2014 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 10638389)
First of all, stop eating all that fiber. By ingesting fiber, you're actually forming bulk. Metamucil is actually making the problem worse, especially if you don't ingest that kind of fiber daily. It won't help you go, it will just fill you up.

I wouldn't recommend Senokot or any stimulant laxative as it's going to give you pain and cramping.

You're on the right track with Milk of Magnesia but

1) two tablespoons is not enough and
2) you don't need an antacid

Grab a bottle of this and drink the WHOLE thing. It is available everywhere that has a 3-aisle basic pharmacy and costs about $1. Wait 30 minutes to an hour. Don't get too far from the bathroom. It's safe and I guarantee you it will work.

http://img1.targetimg1.com/wcsstore/...5/11454275.jpg

That's not going to get him into a Boardwalk Empire situation, is it?

You know, the scene where the kid spikes the other kids drink with this stuff, then the kid shits blood and dies?


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