Gladiator 2018 - Round 2, Match 13 - RockChalk versus Fire Me Boy!
 

Vote for the person that you think would win this match in a battle to death or submission. As background, assume that prior to the tournament you received 10 minutes of training on every weapon. The time listed is the amount of time before the match where you learn what the weaponry and venue is. All participants are handed their weapons at t=0 unless stated otherwise.

Venue - Easter Island
Starting Distance - 50196 feet

RockChalk

Main Weapon - A small zero-turn-radius riding lawn mower capable of 10 mph, with the mower blades open on the front of the machine like a propellor
Backup Weapon - None

Prep Time - 9 Minutes
Special Factors - None

Fire Me Boy!

Main Weapon - Police baton
Backup Weapon - 20 sharp small ninja stars

Prep Time - 4 Minutes
Special Factors - Your main weapon is given to you at the beginning of your prep time, not at time t=0, but it's in one of those hard to open plastic shrinkwrapped clamshell things.

FMB in a wash.


I doubt the mower has 10 miles of gas in it. Once it runs out it’s all over but the crying.

What kind of mileage does a mower get? And how big is the gas tank on a typical residential mower?

If it's capable of 10 mph, then it seems like it could run an hour. But I haven't used a riding lawn mower since about 1985.

LMAO

Awful mileage and a couple gallon.

ROFLROFL

The riding mower only helps RockChalk get to his beat down a little quicker. It runs out of gas before the fighting starts. FMB wins since he's the only one who's armed.

I think the time limit will come into play, right? Rock Chalk should be able to make more distance towards FMB, but neither will likely make contact within 15 minutes.

I think that time limit thing can't apply if you're going to start combatants almost ten miles apart.

Good point. I think maybe the time limit only comes into play if there's not continued progress toward each other.

There is no way the mower will be able to handle the terrain of Easter Island. It is possible it will tip over or get stuck in the sand.

FMB uses one of the stars to open the plastic clamshell to bludgeon RockChalk to death.

Don't even start the mower, take the blades off for makeshift machetes. How hard are riding mower blades to remove?

My first thought was to use the throwing stars to open the clamshell. I have my baton in 30 seconds.

Likely impossible without tools. Better bet would be to run the mower into one of those giant head statues, blades first, and hope the blades break into useful weaponry.

Without tools, probably nearly impossible.

Mower will get 10 miles for sure if it's a rider. He will never get the clamshell plastic off though, so FMB should win. Only problem is, FMB has a bum leg right now and there is quite a bit of distance between them. If a very small hole can be opened in the plastic, enough to reach a hand in fire up the mower, then, the PTO should be able to be engaged, as the plastic would be putting pressure on the seat. That should then open a huge hole in the front as the blades tear their way out. THen it'd be pretty easy to pry open, chase down the hobbled FMB, and run his ass down as he hopelessly tries to throw the stars as he hops away, using the baton as a cane. Sorry FMB, but this wont end well

It's the baton in the clamshell, not the mower.

Huh? I think you need to read the OP again.

I'm still blood doping from last round. My feet are fine.

I use the throwing starts to open the baton clamshell. The mower falls over in the terrain less than a mile in. I beat RockChalk to death with the baton.

That may be a felony on Easter Island. I'll check.

Why should it matter? We're trying to murder each other, after all.

I took this photo when I was there a few years ago. No climbing on the moai. I bet this sign doesn't exist anywhere else in the world.

oops, my bad. FMB is screwed then. I've had a bitch of a time opening those damned clam shell things with good sheet metal shears, so I'm guesing with "small" throwing stars, that isn't going to be very easy.

Yeah, but murdering each other is not against the rules. You want to be a good citizen and follow the rules.

I'm trying to imagine a riding lawn mower hanging from a peg in a hardware store in one of those plastic clamshells. But oddly, I have no doubt that the clamshell could hold it.

What does the baton being in a clam shell matter. Just beat him to death with the clam shell if you can’t get it open in time.

Nah, I have no trouble with them if I can get a finger in there. The star will definitely make a big enough hole to rip that ****er open.

I guess the OP didn't specify, does the clamshell wrapping also include several little wires tied around various mower parts and twisted tight to the wrapping? If so, then yes, FMB would win.

That's actually a really good point. Those things can be sharp, too.

But the clamshell would be bigger than the baton and hard to get a grip on. You couldn't beat a person with it very well.

Good point on the sharp edges, though. A partially opened clamshell will shear the head off of a gazelle.

This is entertaining and all, but it's all a moot point. Rock Chalk is obviously a former or present KU student, which, by association makes him a milktoast. FMB in a landslide.

FMB has got this. He can cook a gourmet dinner on Easter Island when he is done whoopin ass

He’ll cook his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Long ago student.

I agree that I'm dead in this one. I was provided with possibly the worst weapon and venue combination possible. While I'm quite confident I would easily take this battle in real life given my fitness and training background, I will be crushed in this hypothetical Gladiator Tournament. RIP to me

Looks like the mower is going to kick ass

Apparently lawn mowers aren't a very good weapon against a guy who doesn't have toes. Fire Me Boy once again uses his unique superpower to vanquish a foe, and moves on to Round 3.

After defeating RockChalk FMB griddled him. Incoming what's for dinner post.