ChiefsPlanet - Chiefs Deadspin: Why the Chiefs suck

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...efs-1172555831

Your team: Kansas City Chiefs
Your 2012 record: 2-14. I feel like that 2-14 needs a little typographical dagger symbol added to it (like so: 2-14†), with a footnote that explains that one of the team's starting linebackers killed his girlfriend and then shot himself to death in front of the team's general manager and head coach. I feel like that would both explain the 2-14 and let you know that, even among 2-14 seasons, this one was particularly difficult. Here is a reminder of the suicide from the Kansas City Star:

Crennel raised both his hands, pleading with Belcher to put the gun down. “You’re taking the easy way out!” Crennel yelled.
Belcher glanced at an approaching police officer, then knelt behind a minivan, made the sign of the cross on his chest with his left hand and fired a bullet into his head above his right ear. After the gunshot, Crennel slumped, dropped his hands and turned away from Belcher.

Jesus. Jesus Christ. Why is the world so horrible? I don't want to go on knowing people can bear witness to something like this.
By the way, Crennel and Pioli were both fired. Imagine how poorly you have to do to not get a grace period after watching someone commit suicide in front of you.

Your coach: Andy Reid. And if Andy Reid chooses a black jacket for winter home games, I will feel beyond cheated. I want that man rocking a bright red puffy coat and looking like a tomato blimp on the sidelines.
Anyway, Andy Reid is an experienced coach with an excellent reputation for building an organization from the ground up and a terrible reputation for freezing up at the exact wrong moment of an important game. It's a good thing Kansas City has never had a coach like that! I hope you fans enjoy watching Jamaal Charles (already hurt, by the way) inexplicably get fewer than 14 carries a game. Todd Haley certainly approves of that strategy.

Your quarterback: Alex Smith. Holy shit, does this franchise have a compulsion for bringing in old 49er quarterbacks: Montana, Bono, Grbac. How Jeff Garcia eluded them is beyond me. The problem with Alex Smith is that, even when he's good, no one really believes he'll stay that way. He completed 70% of his passes last season for a stud team and STILL couldn't keep his job. There will always be a point at which Alex Smith turns back into Alex Smith. BUT WHEN? Don't keep me guessing, fella!

Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Dwayne Bowe. He could catch 15 TDs again. He could. The fact that he did once upon a time gives fantasy owners the illusion that he can do it twice. Somewhere, buried deep inside his brain, under all the Skittle wrappers, is the soul of a man who has the ability to catch 15 TDs. He even has a shiny new QB to help coax that fabulous player back out of the woodwork. But he'll never do it again, because he sucks. With Smith around, you could easily talk yourself into believing that Bowe will have a rebound year. And then Smith will develop a rapport with Donnie Avery instead and you will give MURDEREYES to Bowe any time you see him run a fade route two steps out of the back of the end zone.

Why your team sucks: It's a measure of how far the Chiefs have fallen that the combination of Reid and Smith represents a COLOSSAL upgrade for the franchise. With Andy Reid as your coach and Alex Smith as your QB, you know damn well that you're aren't ever going to win a Super Bowl. But you won't completely suck, and that's about all the Chiefs can ask for at this point. If they win 11 games, get bounced after one round due to a horrendous clock management error and no one dies, they'll have basically had their finest season of the new century.

The problem is that the Chiefs are now locked in for at least three more years of this kind of bland, ultimately pointless competence. Go ask Eagles fans how much they enjoyed "winning" with Andy Reid in charge. By the end of Reid's tenure in Philly, Eagles fans were BEGGING to go 0-16, to fall into a state of unfathomable misery just to be rid of Reid forever. That's the kind of madness that awaits you, Chiefs fans. It seems like a rosier situation now. Soon, it will torture you like a constant drip of water to the forehead. The second you see Anthony Sherman get the ball on 4th-and-1 at the goal line, with Charles sitting on the sideline, you'll know what you're in for.

Time for me to say terrible things about Kansas City, a place I've never been to. All I'll say is that you could live like a god in Kansas City on about $15,000 a year. You could buy a nice house, own a car, have pleasant neighbors, and all that. But no one ever moves there because no one wants to be stuck in Kansas City for the rest of his life. You'd never see a body of water, or a hill, and you'd lose your dog to a tornado within the first five months.

Why your team doesn't suck: Have you met the Raiders and Chargers? Second place in the AFC West has never been more assured. You people should send Matt Flynn a cooler of Omaha Steaks.

The 11 worst Chiefs ever:
1) Brodie Croyle. BUT HIS WIFE WAS SUCH A HOT SLAMPIECE BRO I'D CRUSH THAT HIGH FIVE!
2) Belcher. Objectively speaking.
3) Ryan Sims. They managed to grab Sims while the Vikes were sleeping on the draft clock. Oh, I bet they felt like geniuses when they managed to draft him. WE GOT OUR GUY!
4) Sylvester Morris. FACT: The name of KC's mayor is Sly James. Sounds trustworthy!
5) Victor Riley
6) Dwayne T. Robinson. "Could be a ****ing bartender for all we know!"
7) Snoop Minnis. I can't tell you how disappointing it is for a football player named Snoop to not be good.
8) Tony Casillas
9) Matt Blundin
10) Herm Edwards
11) Todd Blackledge. This team does not excel at the quarterback selection process.