need advice with family issue
 

Ok, so about 4 weeks ago, I get a call from my mom. she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house. I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her, call him and let him know that I am aware of what has been going on, and as far as I'm concerned, he is out permenantly. My mother on the other hand, said things like "if he gets therapy and goes to AA, maybe I'll start by dating him again". She told me that he told her that my father never loved her or us kids. That's when it became personal for me. So I call jackass up, ask if all this is true, he beats around the bush, but eventually fesses up under the guise of too much drinking and some anger management issues. He promises he will get help but just loves my mom. I tell him I'm only 2.5 hours away and wont hesitate to come up there to make sure she is OK. I even let him know, I'm not afraid of a few nights in jail.

So, yesterday, I get home from a weeklong vacation. I call my brother, who my family will be staying with when we go up for Thanksgiving. Through casual conversation, I find out that jackass is back in my mothers house, and plans on being there for Thanksgiving.

I call my mother, she says he's trying very hard and if he screws up, he is out. He has been to a counselor once since this, and no AA meetings or anygthing like that, though he is reportedly on "medication" now.

I told my mother that I'm not comfortable taking my children up there, and since I wasn't the one that made the situation what it is, then perhaps he could leave the house for the day while we are there. She refused, so I said **** it then, we aren't coming. She gets all pissy and tells me all the things she did for me as a mother and I should come up for her. I'm not going on principal, not to mention, I'd be uncomfortable and might even get in the guys face. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just eat my principles, and go and be a good little son and sit there and act nice? What say you Dr. CP?

Stick to your guns

I wouldn't go. **** that.

This.

Have sex with him at Thanksgiving with the door UNLOCKED (vital). When your mom walks in on you two going at it she'll want nothing more to do with him.

Tell her all the wonderful things she did for you as a mother are the reasons you will not be going.

It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.

This is tough situation for you sorry you have to deal with that asshole. That is all he is. Sure he can be kind one minute but the next you just never know. I know people can change but it doesn't sound like he will even if he puts on a good show for the family. When he is alone with your mom that is when he will revert back to abuse. I can just tell that's what is going on.

Got to protect your mom somehow.

sounds fair to me.
she's making her choices...you're making yours. no since in going somewhere for a holiday where you already know it's going to be a shitty time.
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last thing you want to do is have your kids see you do something silly by going.

Stick to what you think is right...

Are you?

I don't know what your relationship with your mom is like, but if you are really "there for her" then you should be there.

he can't protect her if she's allowing this guy back into her house. it's on her.
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Not going is unfair to your kids but they're resilient and will be fine. More importantly, it sends a message to the family and the abuser that you're not going to condone that man and that you aren't joking around about it. You should be careful that your message to your mother is consistent and focused on the abuse, not all the other dynamics of the relationship.

I agree with this,however find out what his favorite dessert is and have your mrs make a special antifreeze treat just for him.

Go and just stare at the guy menacingly the entire time.