ChiefsPlanet - Hypothetical: Witness protection program

Hypothetical: You're at a Taco Bell, and the Gutbuster Taco Supreme is on sale. Never overlooking a good buy, you pick up three of them, along with a large Mountain Dew.

Two hours later, while you're curled up in a fetal position in a booth at the back of the restaurant, Guido Smith* comes in with his cronies, puguglies, and henchman. He sits in the next booth and, not knowing you're there, orders hits on three trombone dealers and a principled lowland gorilla at the local zoo.

The police have been staking out the place, and they descend in swarms, arresting Guido and his men. You're initially arrested too, but they believe your story about Taco Bell food.

As they're about to release you, they find that their recording devices didn't work because they didn't use Duracell batteries, and their case is about to fall apart. They come to you and tell you that you will have to testify or, by golly, they might just have to rethink whether your gas releases constituted a terrorist attack.

You testify, and Guido pleads down and gets sentenced to two years at a golf course prison for driving without valid proof of insurance, which is a felony in your state.** Guido informs you that when he gets out, you'd better have some pretty good insurance.

The police overhear, and can't do anything about it since Guido was exercising his First Amendment rights. They can, however, put you in the witness protection program and settle you in another city with another name. You'll receive the median income in that area for the rest of your life. You can pick your own name, but they warn you that a highly unique name might result in Guido finding you.

What name do you choose, and where do you go?

* - Name is de-Italianized to avoid stereotyping any specific nationality.
** - Nod to Big Daddy on that one.