Place Herm and Carl in Other Historical Situations
 

The exercise: assume that, instead of the actual historical figures, Herm and/or Carl were the key historical figures, and discuss the implications of this change.


I'll start:


Herm and Carl Attack Pearl Harbor


On December 7th, 1941, at 7:56 a.m., a U.S. Navy Gunner sights a lone Japanese plane flying toward Battleship Row and Hickam Field. He strolls over to his gun, which is placed into a specific position by a bunch of stacked phone books under the barrel. He looks as his watch, and at 7:57 on the nose, pulls the trigger once. The Japanese plane, still in the distance, puffs smoke, and catches fire, spiraling into the sea.

The gunner goes into headquarters, marks his kill on a graph, and says to his commanding officer, "I finished their attack for this week, sir. I'm going on leave this week, but I'll be back next Sunday. Same time and same place?"

The commanding officer shrugs. "Apparently."

On a Japanese aircraft carrier floating in the Pacific, Hermichi and Carlsan study their maps and wait for news. A messenger runs in. "Sirs," he says, "I regret to inform you that the attack failed again. The plane was shot down."

Hermichi and Carlsan frown and shake their heads in frustration. "I can't believe it," Hermichi says. "I was sure it would work this time."

The messenger says, "Sirs, may I offer a suggestion? What if attacked with more than one plane, and we came in from a different direction?"

Carlsan sneers at the man. "Are YOU a 20-year veteran? Who's got the experience here?"

Hermichi laughs. "Helloooo. If we send two planes, we could lose up to two planes. This way we only lose one."

Carlsan jumps in. "And we can't send the planes in from a different direction. That's not what we've always done."

Hermichi and Carlsan look at each other. Hermichi says, "Same plan next week? One plane, coming in directly from the north at 2,000 feet?"

Carlsan nods. "It's got to work at some point."

Hermichi says, "Great. I'll go study the film of this week."

The two admirals shake hands and retire to their quarters.

Herm and Carl at Troy:

(Ancient Greece)

Hermicus and Carlander stand at the Hellespont, ready to make their raid on Troy.

Carlander: Due to my greatness, I have assembled some mighty weapons and talent for our army, I drafted this big wooden horse.

Hermicus: Oh, man, that's alright! We could smash that right against their gate and then move in our outnumbered troops in a direct assault right up the gut of their defenses!

Carlander: Verily, that is a plan almost as ingenious as if I had designed it!

Hermicus: Yeah, that Horse man, it great, it great!

Hermicus leads the forces against the Trojans, the horse is smashed against the gates and their troops are all picked off by the archers on the top of the gates.

Herm and Carl in the Anglo-Zanzibar war:

Carl: We've got a great start on rebuilding the new Zanzibar government. Everything will be great. We've got some good people in place. My second is a great motivator and we'll be prepared for anything.

Herm: Yeeeeaeaaaah! That's why they have 7-11! Go getcha some free release!

Carl: If the British want war it's war they'll get.

Herm: That's okaaaaaaaayyyyy!

Herm and Carl in charge of the Iraqi Army during the first Gulf War


(no change)

April 1992

"I call it," Herm says, "Crystal Pepsi!"

Herm in Ford's Theater in 1865.

Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd Lincoln are watching, "Our American Cousin" and enjoying the show. Suddenly Herm bursts into the presidential box and yells, "Sic Semper Tyrannus!"

He pulls out a gun, and then a box of ammunition. He begins studying the gun to determine how to load it but can't figure out how. As he attempts to put a bullet down the barrel of the gun, a squad of soldiers descends upon him and takes him into custody. Mary Todd Lincoln says, "Wow, that dude is crazy", and the Lincolns enjoy the remainder of the show.

Herm and Carl at Hoth

(A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away).

General Carlist Rieekan (look it up, srsly!) and Luke Hermwalker prepare for the Imperial Assault.

Carlist: They're sending in AT-AT Walkers. What do we do?

Hermwalker: My snowspeeders are ready, but stand no chance against those beasts. Plus, they might freeze up out in the cold, don't want to take that chance.

Carlist: Good idea. We'll just hole up in the base. Those AT-ATs can't reach us deep underground. Haha!

*one hour later*

Carlist: Hey, they're not firing at the base? What's up?

Hermwalker: They're walking toward our shield generators. We'll be sitting ducks for orbital bombardment. I'll take out my snowspeeder squadron and attack - it's our only chance. Normally I wouldn't be so aggressive but I have no choice now.

*Hermwalker leads his squadron into battle*

Hermwalker: OK, boys. Fire at will!

Hermwalker's wingman: But Herm, those walkers' armor is too thick for blasters. Shouldn't we try to trip them up with our tow cables?

Hermwalker: No way. Too risky. We could run into one of their legs.

Hermwalker's wingman: But, Commander Hermwalker!

Hermwalker: No buts! I'm the Commander here.

*Hermwalker's squadron gets destroyed. Hermwalker crashes in the snow as a walker approaches*

Hermwalker: Oh, crap. Time to bail out!

*Hermwalker dives from his fallen craft as the walker crushes it*

Hermwalker: I could try and shove a grenade up that thing's ass, but that's waaaaaaay too risky. I'll just hide here in the snow.

*A passing Wampa eats Hermwalker*

Carlist: Carlist to Hermwalker! Carlist to Hermwalker! Come in, Commander!

*The AT-AT Walker blows up Carlist's shield generators, which just underwent $250 million in renovations*

Carlist: OH SHI-

*The orbiting Star Destroyer vaporizes the rebel base*

Carl & Herm Go To The Moon

Carlstrong: "Well, we've been going around and around this damn moon for so long it looks like we're getting short on water and air and powdered eggs."

"Buzz" Herm: "It's okay."

Carlstrong: "Oh, I know that. I was just saying that we need to either land on this moon or get some more supplies or else we might die."

"Buzz" Herm: "Oh. Right. Hey, can I steer for awhile?"

Carlstrong: "Get NASA on that radio over there."

"Buzz" Herm: "I didn't train on radio, Carlstrong sir."

Carlstrong: "Damn! Do I have to do everything? NASA!! Come in NASA!!"

NASA: "This is NASA speaking. Over."

Carlstrong: "Okay. Good. Now, you idiots need to get us some more air and water and supplies and things up here pronto. We're almost out. Over."

NASA: "Captain Carlstrong, uh ... you were supposed to land on the moon 25 years ago. When you decided to continue your orbit instead ... well ... we just gave up on you. NASA isn't in the space business anymore. We make cell phones, now. Over."

Carlstrong: "Do you know who you're talking to? I'm Captain Carlstrong! Look, you get some air and water and supplies up here right now or I'm going to fire each and every one of you!"

"Buzz" Herm: "Yeah. And he'll do it, too."

NASA: " ... click ..."

Carlstrong: "Hello? Hello? NASA? Come in NASA. NASA, come in right damn now or you'll be sorry! Damn. Something must be wrong with the radio, now."

"Buzz" Herm: "I have an idea, why don't we just land on the moon? Maybe there's some air and water there?"

Carlstrong: "You fool! If we land on the moon, the mission will be completed. That means we're out of a job. Now, fix me some soup and find those fancy slippers I like. I'm going to look at dirty pictures for awhile."

"Buzz" Herm: "Yes sir. So, after that, can I steer for awhile?"

FAX

*Peterson[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Hoochle has joined the game.*
*caREy has joined the game.*
*JONEYS has joined the game.*
*Hermine-tow has joined the game.*
*Hunt has joined the game.*
*Tags has joined the game.*
*Uncle AL has joined the game.*
*Triplette has joined the game.*

Tags: hey sup
Hunt: y0
Uncle AL: hi
JONEYS: hi
Peterson[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
caREy: lol more like panzy tanks
Hunt: lol
Tags: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
Hermine: haha america sux
Uncle AL: hey Peterson you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Peterson[AoE]; sure whatever
Uncle AL: cool
Triplette: **** Peterson rushed some1 help
Peterson[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Tags: i dont got **** to help, sry
JONEYS: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Tags: get antiair guns
JONEYS: i cant afford them
Hunt: u n00bs know what team talk is?
caREY: stfu
Tags: o yah hit the navajo button guys
Triplette: Hoochle ur worthless come help me quick
Hoochle: i cant do **** til goddel gives me an army
caREy: yah hurry the fock up
JONEYS: d00d im gettin pounded
Triplette: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*Triplette has left the game.*
Tags: im gonna attack the axis k?
Hermine: with what? ur wheelchair?
Hermine: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Peterson[AoE]: ROFLMAO
Hunt: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Tags: wtf! thats bullsh1t u bundle of stickss im gunna kick ur asses
Hunt: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Tags: u little biotch ill get u
Peterson[AoE]: wtf
Peterson[AoE]: NFL hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Peterson[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
JONEYS: lol no more france for u hitler
Peterson[AoE]: Hunt help me!
Hunt: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world reerun
Peterson[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Uncle AL: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Peterson[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
Hermine: haha
Hermine: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
Hunt: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Peterson[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Tags: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Uncle AL: JONESY help me
JONESY: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Uncle AL: dont be an arss
JONESY: dont be a commie. oops too late
Hoochle: LOL
Hermine: hahahh oh sh1t help
Peterson[AoE]: o man ur focked
caREy: oh what now biotch
Tags: whos the cripple now lol
*Hermine has been eliminated.*
Hermine: lame
Tags: gj caREy
caREy: thnx
Peterson[AoE]: WTF Hoochle hax hes killing all my sh1t
Peterson[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Hoochle: Nuts!
Hermine: wtf that mean?
Hoochle: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
caREy: coming to get u Peterson u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Uncle AL: rofl
Hunt: HAHAHHAA
Peterson[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Peterson[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Peterson[AoE] has been eliminated.*
Hermine: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Hoochle: ROFLOLOLOL
Uncle AL: OMG LMAO!
Peterson[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Peterson[AoE] has left the game*
caREy: hahahhah
Hunt: WTF my teammates are n00bs
Hermine: shut up noob
Tags: haha wut a moron
caREy: wtf am i gunna do now?
Hoochle: yah me too
Hunt: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Hoochle: fock u
caREy: lemme go thru ur base commie
Uncle AL: go to hell lol
caREy: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Hoochle: yah this is gay
*Tags has left the game.*
Peterson[AoE]: wtf?
Hoochle: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*GoDDeLL has joined the game.*
GoDDeLL: hi all
Hunt: hey
Uncle AL: sup
JONESY: hi
GoDDeLL: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
GoDDeLL: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Uncle AL: d00d gimmie some plz
GoDDeLL: no way i only got like a couple
Uncle AL: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
Hunt: wtf is nukes?
Hunt: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*Hunt has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Hoochle: awesome!
JONESY: gg noobs no re
Hunt: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*Hunt has left the game.*
*Hoochle has left the game.*
Uncle AL: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
JONESY: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
GoDDeLL: l8r all
Hermine: bye
JONESY: l8r
Uncle AL: fock u all
GoDDeLL: shut up commie lol
*GoDDeLL has left the game.*
Hermine: lololol u commie
JONESY: ROFL
JONESY: bye commie
*JONESY has left the game.*
*Hermine has left the game.*
Uncle AL: i hate u all bundle of stickss
*Uncle AL has left the game.*
caREy: lol no1 is left
caREy: weeeee i got a jeep
*caREy has been eliminated.*
caREy: o sh1t!
*caREy has left the game.*

Send them to White Castle.

What would Herm and Carl have done at Normandy? Stayed in the boats and lobbed grenades?

gochiefs replies to Rain Mans thread....checkers meet chess.

SAY THAT TO MY FACE!

ROFL dang checkers if we lived anywhere near each other I would!

ROFL @ this thread.