Gladiator Round 6, Match 1 (The Championship): rooster vs. otter
 

In this corner, standing 7-foot-4 and weighing 360 pounds on the internet, we have the commandant of the Marines, the king of the Spartans, the corona of the conquistadors, and the turk of the Gurkhas....


ROOOOOOOOOSTERRRRRRRR!

Rooster has killed people with chain saws, flame throwers, AK-47s, M-1 Garands, and a two-handed sword! And he is reaaaaaady to rummmmmmmble!


And in this corner, also standing 7-foot-4 and weighing 360 pounds on the internet, we have the ninja of the samurais, der fuehrer of the Panzer SS, the ruler of the Vikings, and the chief of the Apaches....


OTTTTTTTTTTTERRRRRRRRR!

Otter has killed people in the desert, inside a bouncy castle, in lava fields, on a merry go round, and in temperate forests. And he is reaaaaaady to rummmmmmmble!


This is winner take all. No mercy. Fight to the death. The winner will walk away as the greatest gladiator on chiefsplanet.

Ready?


rooster:

Chain Saw

Backup weapon: bowie knife

Special Factor: You were kneed in the groin by each of the Olsen twins (Mary Kate and Ashley) right before the match.

Time to plan: 55 seconds


otter:

Small pocket knife with instantly deadly poison coating

Backup weapon: bowie knife

Special Factor: You have a prissy cheerleader on your side who hits like a girl and is unarmed (and won't carry weapons), but who really wants to help you.

Time to plan: 8 seconds



Venue:

A bouncy castle (no kids present) - Starting distance: 25 feet

oh man this is gonna be great.

Right off the bat i thought chainsaw. Then i though kicked in the groin,bouncy castle,deadly poison, bowie knife, and tits.
It could go any way.

Chainsaw and a bouncy castle? LMAO

Otter might bleed out from a chainsaw wound...but not before rooster succumbs to the instant death-dealing pocketknife.

ummm... wow.

I have to think about it.

This is indeed a puzzler. rooster's going to be slowed down for the first few minutes because those Olsen girls have bony knees, and he's in a two on one situation. I'm wondering if his best strategy is to immediately put the chain saw into the bouncy castle and then fight it out under the covers. That'll eliminate the cheerleader advantage, but it'll also mean that he can be tracked by sound while otter can't. I think he may be better off keeping it inflated.

This is a tough one.

While people are thinking, here's the entire list of weapons that I used. I think all or nearly all were used in at least one match.


No weapons
Two fist-sized rocks, one of which has a slightly sharp edge
10 Lawn darts
Hedge Clippers
Small Ball Peen Hammer
Thick glass bottle
BB gun with 50 BBs, each of which is coated with enough poison to slow a person down by 4 percentage points
2 boomerangs, one heavy and one bladed, and a handful of salt
20 sharp small ninja stars
Bo Staff
high-powered squirtgun filled with ammonia
Baseball Bat
Nunchaku
Sling shot with 20 golf ball-size stones
Taser and steak knife
Hatchet
Bowie knife
Net and trident
Vial of thick lotion that, if rubbed on the skin of opponent, will weaken them in 10 minutes and paralyze them for an hour in 20 minutes (you have protective gloves)
Pirate sword
Pepper spray
Small pocket knife with instantly deadly poison coating
Baseball Bat with six nails studded into it
Klingon batleth
Flail (handle with a chain and spiked metal ball on the chain)
3 Molotov Cocktails
Chain Saw
Spear (6 foot)
Two Handed Sword
Samurai sword
Scalpel Bolas
Battle Axe
Halberd
Extremely corrosive industrial-strength acid in a normal squirting water bottle made entirely of one of the few substances that can contain it.
Blow gun with 3 curare darts
A batman-esque Penguin umbrella that shoots out sleep gas, If you can get within three feet.
A star wars light saber (his choice of color)
Pilgrim-style blunderbuss with supplies for three shots
Native American bow and 6 arrows
Derringer (one shot, 9 mm caliber)
English longbow and 6 arrows
Flintlock rifle and supplies for 3 shots
Heavy Bow and 6 Explosive-Tipped Arrows
Crossbow and 6 bolts
Saturday Night Special .22 semiautomatic handgun (6 shot, 6 bullets)
Colt .45 revolver (6 bullets)
WWII Luger pistol with 8 bullets
Civil War gatling gun with 50 bullets
Winchester rifle, circa 1870 with 15 bullets
M-1 Garand semiautomatic rifle with bayonet (8 bullets)
30-30 hunting rifle with scope
3 hand grenades
A sawed-off shotgun
Spas-12 shotgun with silencer
Flame thrower
AK-47 with 20 rounds
M-16 military rifle with 20 rounds
Barrett .50 Cal with 75 bullets
RPG launcher and three grenades

And Otter just has to scratch him with the pocketknife. Keeping inflated is his only chance. Especially since there's no way he could use that chain saw with it deflated.

Rooster should immediately stick his bowie knife into the bouncy castle and get that thing going down.

Otter Otter Otter Otter

Here's the list of venues. We had a 40 percent chance of being in a standard venue (50 percent in the first round, and if not, a non-standard venue was used. A lot of the non-standards weren't drawn, which was unfortunate. I kept voting for "in a phone booth" or "in a giant hamster ball" to come up.

Standard venues:

Classic sandy arena
Classic jungle terrain
Classic temperate forest terrain
Classic desert terrain
Classic downtown big-city street
Classic large yard with occasional trees
Classic home living room (Starting distance: 18 feet)
Classic hilly rough terrain (moderate trees)

Non-standard venues:

The local mall, extremely crowded with shoppers
An operating room with angry scalpel-wielding doctors and nurses all screaming at you to leave
Up two separate pine trees five feet apart with two Grizzly Bears looking up each tree from the base
The summit of Mount Everest, with no supplemental oxygen
a pre-school full of children
In free-fall at 20,000 feet, with parachutes, and with a snake and gator-filled swamp below you. Initial Distance: 500 feet apart
Window-washers on separate window-washing platforms next to each other
Outer space INSIDE the space station (not in space suits)
A comedy club full of half-drunk people
A McDonald's kitchen (Starting distance: 25 feet)
Across a moderately busy 8-lane highway (Starting distance: 200 feet)
In the Thunderdome (roaring audience present)
The British Isles (one starts in Glasgow, the other in Dover)
Arrowhead stadium at halftime (roaring audience but no players, officials, security)
Aboard a 747 (no passengers)
Backstage at the Broadway production of*Cats (actors and staff present)
A penguin rookery in Antarctica
Ice skating rink, both of you on skates (Starting distance: 200 feet)
A flat plain, no trees for miles in any direction, during a raging violent thunderstorm
In a strip club (normal crowd present)
a bouncy castle (no kids present) - Starting distance: 25 feet
On a dinghy in a small lake (Starting distance: 7 feet)
On the wings of a biplane in flight
Carnival Fun House
wal mart parking lot
Inside a phone booth
On a spinning carousel (no one present). Starting distance: 40 feet (opposite sides)
Hog Farmer's Pig Pen (hog farmer not present, pigs present)
A 5-mile by 5-mile hellish volcanically active rock field with lava flows and geysers randomly erupting without warning
A coastal beach
At the CP bash (people know the combatants)
the bridge of the USS Defiant (Star Trek-type ship)
Floating in the Dead Sea
volcanic slope during a mild flowing eruption
Inside a bank vault full of loose money
A computer lab filled with tables, computers, desks, shelves, and unsuspecting college students (Starting distance: 20 feet)
Outer space in space suits and jet packs OUTSIDE the space station
USS Seawolf (SSN-21) 1,000 feet below the surface in the middle of the Pacific ocean (no sailors on board - remotely piloted). Starting distance 350 feet - 1 at bow, 1 at stern.
In a barn
On a relatively steep mountain slope at same initial height
Pool filled with Jello (cannot climb out), random depths from 4 feet to 6 feet
On a short school bus (no kids present)
A "Robot Wars" cage with 4 armored and bladed robots battling it out, all completely oblivious to your presence in the cage. (30x54 asphalt rectangle, starting 54 feet apart)
Waist deep in the Amazon river
A rickety wooden bridge swaying over a gorge
In the killer whale pool at Seaworld
In a jail cell
indoor basketball court infested with angry killer bees
Downtown Detroit at rush hour
Inside a giant hamster ball.
On opposing gondolas in the canals of Venice (gondoliers steer as you wish but don't fight)

But if it deflates, couldn't he quickly chainsaw his way out and run over and chain saw any bulges? I think he could get out quicker than otter and his little honey could.

And last but not least, here were all of the special factors we could have. Most, but not all, were not used. I kept hoping for the Secret Service man to show up, and the panicked naked East Asian women.


You have chain mail
You have a gas-powered grappling gun a la Batman
Your main weapon is in one of those hard to open plastic shrinkwrapped clamshell things when the match starts
Midget sidekick companion w/ small pocketknife
Naked East Asian women are screaming and running around panicked
A secret service man will dive in front of the first weapon attack that looks like it'll hit you.
You were kneed in the groin by each of the Olsen twins (Mary Kate and Ashley) right before the match.
Your non-dominant leg and arm fell asleep and are tingling and hard to move for the first three minutes
It's night or the lights are out, providing only the light of a new moon.
You have a really bad and painful sunburn
You have a can of grease that will make any flat ground impossible to traverse without slipping.
You have a jet pack good for ten minutes of flight
The Chiefs are playing in the Super Bowl and there is a television nearby
You're wearing a full suit of armor
Something happens (light bulb burns out, macaw flies by, etc.) that momentarily distracts your opponent as soon as you get within 5 feet of each other, assuming you ever get that close to your opponent.
You have a prissy cheerleader on your side who hits like a girl and is unarmed (and won't carry weapons), but who really wants to help you.
You discovered a week in advance what your weapon and terrain would be (but not your opponent's weapon), giving you an opportunity to better prepare and train for the fight
Contestants are tied together at the waist by a six-foot rope.
Has to endure a five-minute group beating by the cast of Glee onsite right before the match
Your opponent's shoelaces are tied together at the start of the match
An axe-wielding psychopath, who ignores pain and doesn't care if he lives, jumps between you and your opponent when the match begins, wanting to kill one of you. He goes after whoever looks the strongest to him.
An angry trained pit bull on a leash that is welded to your non-weapon wrist
CHENZ A! will launch a lawn dart at you with great force from 50 feet away every 60 seconds.
You're wearing a football helmet and a 40-lb. backpack of bricks that you can't remove
You are made aware of a very small pit that is cleverly camouflaged with sharp spikes at the bottom that is relatively distant from the starting point of the match. Your opponent is unaware of said pit.
A woman is tied to a sawmill between you and your opponent and needs to be saved in the first ten minutes, and your opponent won't do it.
You're riding a Harley
If you wish, you can move for ten seconds before the match starts, though you will still get your weapon at Time T=0 and can't aim it ahead of time.
An unreachable person 50 feet away will shoot you with a BB gun every 60 seconds.
On your command and at any time, a herd of wild ostriches will be released and will run across your immediate combat area
You just finished working a double shift digging holes in the ground
Gets 2 weapons
You're astride a well-trained war horse
Because you knew you may die, you decided to eat an ice cream sundae, finishing it seconds before the match, but got a raging ice cream headache as the fight begins.
You're recovering from a vasectomy the day before
You're wearing an eye patch on your right eye, which you can't remove
Any people who might be present (other than an audience) believe you are the villain
You are forced to wear a tight and non-removable belt around your midsection that restricts your lung capacity to 66.6 percent of normal.
Snowshoes are tied to your feet
You ate some really, really bad sushi the night before and are afflicted with a violent case of diarrhea
You're holding a bottle of Jack Daniels
Riding an ATV
Three minutes after the match begins, has the option to trade all weapons with opponent.
You just ran 6 miles to get to the fight because your alarm didn't go off
Gets 2 special factors
You jammed your dominant hand's index finger ten minutes before the match, and it won't bend
You have a "flash-bang" grenade that you are prepared for and which will not physically harm your opponent but will blind/deafen him for a full 15 seconds.
You have a Labrador Retriever who runs and tries to play with your opponent
Your hands are handcuffed in front of you
You have been blood doping in anticipation of the fight (boosting your red blood cell count for higher endurance)

Wouldn't that technically be leaving the arena? I was thinking you're "inside" a bouncy castle and you wouldn't be able to cut your way out. I guess it depends on how you look at it.

I think they are too close for the deflation to matter as much as people think. This isn't a cartoon where everything collapses with a comedy spitting sound. You are close together, and when the house is punctured you both might hit the ground fairly quickly and lose the bounce, but something is going to happen before it all goes dark.

I'm trying to figure out if rooster can kill otter without being scratched. Even if otter is maimed and starts gushing, couldn't he slice open rooster, win, then have a team of trauma surgeons start working on him?

otter might literally lose an arm and a leg, but I think he wins unless rooster can take his head.