ChiefsPlanet - Vets Game 3 Submission

This is the Vets team official submission. Good luck n00bs.

Front Cover
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It’s a cold January evening in Boston, MA, and wanna-be NFL QB Mark Castle sits in his apartment alone and depressed thinking about the future. Just a few weeks ago the career back-up and his team had finished the season with an 11-5 record, but no playoff berth to show for it. Now he’s facing yet another season of sitting on the bench, and it’s almost too much to take.

Then the telephone rings…

He answers, “Hello, Mark Castle speaking.”

“Hey Mark,” says the voice on the other end of the line. “It’s Scott Pioli.”

“Oh yeah!” says Mark in a very excited voice. “I remember you. You’re one of few people who doesn’t realize how badly I sucked! Sure is great to hear from you I’ve really missed you and I’m not sure what I’m going to do….”

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“Mark!” interrupted Scott. “Shut up and listen to me for a minute.”

“Ok, sorry Scott” Mark replied. “It’s just that Tom is all healed up and probably going to start next year and it’s going to be just like USC and the last few years here…”

“Goddamnit Mark shut the hell up!” Scott barked. “Look, I’m in Kansas City now, and this place is a train wreck. They had Tyler ****ing Thigpen starting games last year for god’s sake. The owner is a total buffoon, and I think he may be gay because he cares about soccer more than football. But he’s a billionaire, he’s paying me an assload of money, and the best part…he thinks I know what the hell I am doing. I think I can fool him into believing you’re a starting quarterback, and we’re both going to get rich. Are you interested?”

“Oh yes! This sounds great!” answered Mark. “I can’t wait to get there and meet the other players and start working on gameplans and meet the coaches and help out any way I can!”

“Jesus tapdancing Christ, Mark,” Scott says as he drops his face into his palm, “Just head to the airport, there’s a ticket waiting there for you.”

Arriving at the New England International Airport a couple of hours early, Mark Castle took a seat the local Starbucks to kill some time. "Holy shit!" Mark heard a familiar voice behind him. He turned around and saw the face of his former offensive coordinator with the Patriots, Josh McDaniels.

"What's up, Josh?" Mark said.

"Not much, Mark, just headed to Denver. Did you hear I'm the new Broncos' head coach?" said McDaniels.

"Yeah....congrats on that," said Mark.

Josh asked Mark what he was doing in the airport and Mark went on to explain that Scott Pioli had called him the night before and wanted him to come to KC tto talk about a contract with the Chiefs.

"Why would you want to work for that fat goomba again, Mark?" asked Josh. "Don't you remember how he was in New England? Shit....why do you think I accepted the first job that was offered to me? Do you really think that I want to go to ****ing Denver and coach Jay Cutler? That douche has diabetes for ****s sake?"

Josh went on to describe multiple times when Pioli would flip out on people for missing the trash can when throwing away their candy wrappers.

"Do you really want to deal with that again?" asked Josh.

"Hey man...that's my gate calling," said Mark. "Good luck in Denver!"

Mark handed his ticket to the gate attendant and started to walk down the ramp as he heard McDaniels yell off in the distance, "Come be my quarterback....please!!!!!!"

Mark chuckled as he took his seat on the plane. “Why would I want to play for Cheater McDaniels?” he asked himself. As he settled into his seat his thoughts turned to KC and the new fan base just waiting for him and his talents. “I know they’ll just love me in KC. They treat the quarterback so well there, even the mediocre ones. Scott will have my back and will bully that nancy-boy Hunt into keeping me even if I do suck.” Mark put on the headphones and went to sleep.

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“Sir, wake up. We’re in Kansas City.” The flight attendant gently shook Castle by the shoulder.

"Wha….oh yeah. I bet there’s a crowd of screaming fans just awaiting my arrival!” Mark said excitedly.

As he left the plane the only people he saw were Scott and some scruffy looking little dude. “Mark!” said Scott, “I hope you had a good flight. I brought Todd Haley along. He’s the new head coach here.”

“Coach Haley, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I look forward to you coaching me to my full potential, meeting the other players, starting work on gameplans, meeting the rest of the coaches, helping out any way I can!”

“Shut up n00b!” growled Haley. “You’re certainly NOT my choice for quarterback, but my hands are tied.” “We’ll see how good you are in OTAs and training camp. I have my doubts but Scott seems to think that you’re the bee’s knees so I’ll give you 3 seasons to prove something.”

“Oh you can count on me! I did take the Pats to an 11-5 record last season. I’m bona fide!” Mark replied.

“God save us all.” Haley mumbled as they left the airport.

Season after painful season followed. Coach Haley was reminded with each game that his initial impression was correct, but he couldn’t do anything about it. It seemed that Mark Castle would forever be the Chiefs’ starting quarterback.

Then, during the 2011 season, things began to change.

A sideline camera captured footage that showed Castle’s inability to even accurately place a hat on his head.

During an off-camera huddle, Thomas Jones broke Mark’s throwing hand because that’s simply what Thomas Jones does to punk-ass bitches. (That incident was later covered up by Pioli and fans were told that the injury occurred during the course of the game)

Pioli then forced Haley to start Tyler Palko, the only QB in the NFL with the ability to make Mark look good. That plan worked too well. Palko was so bad that Haley had to be fired.

Kyle Orton then made his KC debut and showed everyone what even an average QB could do with the KC offense.

All of this looked very bad for Mark Castle. Could this be the end of the line? Mark was very worried about his future when he was asked to visit Pioli’s office in March of 2012.

“Hey Scott, I know things aren’t going so well,” Mark began. “I’ve been practicing & all, but this here noodle arm just won’t…”

“How many times do I have to tell you to shut the hell up?!?!” Pioli interrupted. “Isn’t it apparent that I don’t give a shit how you play? You’re going to be the starter here for a long, long time!”

“Thank you, Mr. Pioli.” Mark sighed. “Just one more thing. Can we maybe do away with the weekly blow jobs I’ve been giving you?”

Pioli smiled as he sat back in his chair. “What the **** are you thinking? What other possible reason could I have for keeping you around? Seriously, everyone is asking that very question. Why do you think we shit the bed when Peyton Manning became available? I even gave Jerry Jones a little money on the side to make the dumb-ass fans on ChiefsPlanet stop pining for Kyle ****ing Orton! Now, get under my desk and show me why I’m never wrong!”

Bonus Back Cover
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