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Old 12-02-2013, 09:37 PM   #4484
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Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: NOT Columbia, MO 65201
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Open Letter To The Mizzou Nation

Hey Mizzou,

Iím a Bama fan, but I wanted to share a few things with you all.

First of all...congratulations on a great regular season. In your second season you have really SHOWED you belong. I honestly wish you were in the West where you belong. I think you driving to Baton Rogue for a game makes more sense than you driving to Gainesville>But anyway, it is what it is. Here in the SEC we appreciate resilience and you have SHOWED it all season long. Great job!

Secondly we want you to know we Bama fans are all behind you guys. In fact a few of us who bought tickets to the SECCG in advance will be showing up at the Dome to yell for you. Now I will admit right after Alabama lost to Auburn I was convinced AU would beat you guys, but today in the light of day I have changed my tune and think you guys can take the barn. And really, you should take them.

However, I want to warn you about some things you are going to face this week. First of all the GA Dome is just like70 miles from Auburn so the place is going to be over run with a pack of goat herders the likes you have never seen before. Now they are not all going to be in the Dome, but they will be grazing their kids and live stock in the immediate area so beware. Do not trade with these people, you will regret it. They really are a bunch of stealers and surprise surprise their qb is too.

And do not be dismayed by their delusional talk. Iím sure they will tell you that they are going to beat you 45-0 and that Nick Marshall is twice as good a qb as Franklin. If at all possible just steer clear of any of that orange you see around ATL. Just avoid these people at all cost and you will have a much more enjoyable weekend. Whatever you do, do not try to engage them in civilized conversation about the upcoming game. They are, by nature, an incredibly ignorant group believing no one in the country is as good as Auburn. Ever.

And by the way donít even try to understand their mascot. They think they are the tigers. But they also have this eagle that flies around their stadium. So are they the tigers or the eagles? Well, who knows? They are also known as the Plainsmen. They keep saying they are on the "plains" but to be honest there is no plain in Auburn.

Well I must admit Auburn seems to be in Alabama. But that is only partially true. What they are is in Lee County which just happens to be the single-wide trailer capital of the entire world. In Lee County moving up in the world is going from a single-wide to a double-wide.

Now what to expect from the game itself. First of all be ready for a string of lucky breaks like you have never seen before. I havenít figured it out yet but AU is, and has been for a long time, the luckiest team in America. Somewhere they have some real hoodoo going on but they can be beat. Just donít let the lucky breaks get you down. For example when you have a RB running for a TD and he just drops the ball and then it rolls through the back of the end zone, just realize the hoodoo is kicking in. Donít panic. They can be beat. But you are going to need to expect this luck and do not be rattled and do not get out of your normal style of play.

As far as their defense please attack it through the air all night long. Your big receivers are real mismatch on their dbs. Continue to exploit this. Do not stop just because you get a lead because you never know when their hoodoo will kick in. No lead is safe until you are taking the knee at the end of the 4th. Aim for scoring 45 points and you should be safe.

As far as their offense please do not try to stop them with 5 dbs. You really need to bait Marshal into throwing if possible because if your dbs are decent they might be able to get a pick. Just watch out for the long, long pass. As far as the 15-18 yard passes let him throw those. But, do not bait them to run. Instead, dare them to pass.

By the way, try to get the ball at the start of the 2nd half if possible.

Ok, here is a word to the wise...expect cheap shots. Now Gus is not really like this that I can tell, but a lot of these guys are Trooperís boys. Cheap shots, especially to the knees, are just a part of their game. And trash talk, just ignore it. And be sure your guys do not get dragged into any exchange of punches. I know it is hard, but just keep your cool against these guys. They can get to be real hot heads so just let them be their own worst enemy.

Now as far as the refs just expect some bad calls which will go against you. First off you guys are the new guys on the block so you know you ainít getting anything handed to you. But beyond that a lot of the SEC refs have a great uncle or 2nd cousin who once played for Auburn. That wonít show up in their bios, but just count on it. Many of them went into officiating just to help AU. Again that doesnít mean they canít be beat. Just donít be surprised at phantom holding calls at a crucial point or even worse a no call when AU has broken some rule. (And whatever you do, do not even blink when lining up for a FG.)

Ok, get this...just realize these guys are not all that they would have you to believe. They think they are on a mission from God or something even more stupid. They let an average UGA, which you beat pretty well, come back on them in the 4th. They beat aTm only because Johnny got hurt. They even had a last second score to edge out MSU. You see they havenít really been here much before...only a handful were here with Cam. Most of these guys are new comers to fame and winning and they can choke it. Just donít try any 55+ FGís at the end of the game unless you are sure you can defend it.

Well, that is a word of advice. For all the hype there is no way Auburn is the 3rd best team in the country. They have a bunch of luck but they can be beaten. You can beat them.

Oh yeah, donít let them feed you this line about how they have a better tradition that you guys. They have 2 NC. But, one came while on probation and was won by a bunch of guys illegally recruited and the other came by the way of a guy who found a way around that little rule against paying recruits. They have 2 NC and both are tainted and won the only way AU knows how to win...cheating. They have been on probation a bunch of times. That is their real tradition...cheating.

And finally if you guys beat AU and somehow make the NCG Iíll promise the whole SEC will be with you except for one school...Auburn. That is right. If you beat em, they will never pull for you in the NCG. In fact they wonít pull for you in the Sugar Bowl. But believe beating them will not only be appreciated in Tuscaloosa, but pretty much in the whole country.

That rabbit is crazy; I'm Brian Waters!

Kotter: "You are lucky I'm truly not the vindictive or psycho type...I'd be careful from now on, and I'd just back the hell off if I were you....otherwise, the Mizzou "extension office" life might get exciting"

Kotter: "You're just gay. G-A-Y. Gay."
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