Apparently wife hit enough buttons to make it work. She changed precisely 0 setting, but magically it started ****ing working.
Goddamn it that shit pisses me off. Ever since I opened that goddamned box, not one thing has worked like the instructions said to.
I haven't been able to get any devices to connect with any security password other than the default one. I got on chat with the ATT support guy and did what he told me, and no devices would even connect to the router, much less enter the ****ing code
/rant