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Old 05-01-2014, 06:00 PM   #39
BigRedChief BigRedChief is offline
Brainwashed
 
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Swims with fishes
Casino cash: $14052
VARSITY
Starts on Monday. Oldie but goodie. Sorry for the formatting.

Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder.
If you are still verbally capable of telling Jack Bauer that he is hurting you, then trust me, he isn't.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, itís probably Jack Bauer.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're ****ed.
On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession. All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.
There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack. For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again. The fact speaks for itself.
Jack Bauer's sperm come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
You can tell how much Jack Bauer likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you.
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Originally Posted by Simply Red View Post
WHAT DID I SAY, HUH?!?!?! TELL ME AGAIN?!?! - WHO HAD FAITH IN YOUR TEAM?!?!? WHAT'S MY MOTHER****IN NAME!?!?!
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