[Mark M]

[b]On the Bench:[/b]
[b]1st in the game, any position[/b]: ROYC75: [i]University of Pine[/i]; Four year starter on the "All-Bench" team. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A job.
[b]2nd in the game, any position[/b]: Morphius: [i]Mullet A&I[/i]; This "Sampson of Sundays" was originally a split end, but was conditioned to be the backup QB. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A new crotch rocket.
[b]QB3:[/b] Cannibal: [i]Liberal College of Theology[/i]; Set career marks for ripping Dubya … a 3rd string, what else is he going to do? [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Sweet, delicious human flesh.

[b]Off-the-field personnel:[/b]
[b]Waterboy:[/b] alanm: [i]CMSU (Call Me Stupid University)[/i]; "Accidentally" replaced water with vodka … was then named the team’s MVP. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Endorsement deal with Stoli.
[b]PR Man:[/b] RCG Chief: [i]Gretz College[/i]; Once quoted as saying "These idiots—um--I mean scholar athletes are the worst—er--I mean the cream of the crap—oops--I mean crop. We will win the Super Bowl in four years. Wait—make that 12 years to get there. If not, we’ll give it five more years. Either way, we have led and will continue to lead the league in attendance. No matter whether or not we’ve won a playoff game, we still have the third best record since 1990…" This diatribe continued for another hour or so. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Throat lozenges.
[b]Masseuse:[/b] Smltheppl: [i]Springfield School of Aroma Therapy[/i]; 30 rub-downs and 12 "rub-ups" in an hour still a professional record. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] For the players to shave their backs.
[b]VP in Charge of Youth Movement':[/b] raiderhader: [i]Kansas State University[/i]; Transferred to Manhattan after his high school team was beaten by the Wildcats 84-3. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] 1. Autographed picture of Rush Limbaugh; 2. to finish puberty.
[b]*Legal counsel:[/b] AZChief: [i]Johnny Cochran School of Law[/i]; Famous for his line: "If the boys can’t run, give Bwana the gun." [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] A date in court with Judge Judy.
[b]*Media Guide Manager:[/b] MisplacedChiefsFan: [i]Packfan Skool of Nowlege[/i]; Confused player pictures with ones he got over the internet. Due to this, he will soon have an endorsement deal with Larry Flint. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] To have an insight into Packfan’s knowledge of that days attendance prior to publication.
[b]Designated Smart Slapper:[/b] bkkcoh: [i]University of Huh?[/i] Although his position is somewhat vague, it is vital for someone to slap some sense into these people. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Gloves … preferably leather.
[b]*VP in Charge of Player Fines:[/b] Clint in Wichita: [i]Wichita State University[/i]; Fined WSU’s entire athletic department for keeping such a ridiculous mascot. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Personal Attack Dog.
[b]Team Chef:[/b] Cody Goldizen: [i]Iron Chef University[/i]; Got away with smearing cheese sauce on uniforms to gain unfair advantage. However, he was fined when the jalepenoes he used for the post-game meal made the locker room uninhabitable. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] More spicy spices.
[b]Team Pharmacist:[/b] MileHighMania: [i]Romanowski school of Pharmacology[/i]; Gives the white guys pills so they can compete with the black guys. [i]2001 SALARY CAP DEMANDS:[/i] Any diet pills in bulk quantity will do.

[Edited by Mark M on 02-22-2001 at 07:13 AM]