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Ya know it's true .....
COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON: NORTH vs. THE SOUTH
WOMENS ATTIRE
Up north: Chap Stick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their
front pocket.
Down South: Kate Spade bag with two lipsticks, powder, mascara
(waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary,
that's what dates are for.
STADIUM SIZE:
Up north: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down South: High school football stadiums hold 20,000.
NAMES:
Up north: Doug Flutie
Down South: Reggie White
WEATHER:
Up north: Snow and ice.
Down South: Sunny, high in the mid-60s, lows in the 30s.
FATHERS:
Up north: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
ATTIRE:
Up north: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt with
jeans.
Down South: Male: pressed khakis (with flask of bourbon), oxford
shirt and baseballcap. Female: ankle-length skirt,coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford. (Note: flask with bourbon is stored somewhere.)
ALUMNI:
Up north: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don't leave for
the NFL.
CAMPUS DECOR:
Up north: Statues of founding fathers.
Down South: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
HOMECOMING QUEEN:
Up north: Also a physics major.
Down South: Also Miss USA.
HEROES:
Up north: Mario Cuomo
Down South: Bear Bryant
GETTING TICKETS:
Up north: 5 hours before the game you can walk into the ticket
office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket
office on campus and still be placed on a waiting list.
FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME:
Up north: Students and teachers are not sure if they are going to
the game because they have classes the next day.
Down South: It is considered a campus holiday. Many professors also
cancel Thursday classes so everyone can get a head start for the game that night.
PARKING:
Up north: An hour before the game, the university opens up the
campus parking area.
Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin to roll in on
Wednesday for the weekend's festivities. The real faithful come on
Tuesday. The die-hards have been there since last week's game.
GAME DAY:
Up north: A few students party in the dorm room and watch ESPN on
TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a few shots of bourbon and a
beer,and then rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day
Live to get on camera and wave at the idiots from up north who wonder why
Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.
TAILGATING:
Up north: Wieners on the grill, beer with lime in it, listening to
local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn.
Cooking accompanied by live performance from the hottest band around. Males
have at least a handle of bourbon for themselves. Females are given the
choice of drinking beer or bourbon. (Note: drinking beer out of the can
will lead to them being blackballed from the Junior League.)
GETTING TO THE STADIUM:
Up north: You have to ask, Where's the stadium? When you find it,
you walk right in without having to wait in line.
Down South: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes
the state's second largest city.
CONCESSIONS:
Up north: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's
mascot on it filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for Jack
Daniels.
WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED:
Up north: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 80,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE:
Up north: Nothing changes.
Down South: Cannon fire with a twist of bourbon.
COMMENTARY (MALE):
Up north: Gee Bob, that sure was a nice play. Hey, would you please
pass me the bean dip?
Down South: Dammit you slow son-of-a-bitch tackle him and break his
legs!!
COMMENTARY (FEMALE):
Up north: My, this is a violent sport.
Down South: Dammit you slow son-of-a-bitch tackle him and break his
legs!!(yeah yeah)
AFTER THE GAME:
Up north: The stadium is empty before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While someone goes
to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next
week's party.
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