[Rain Man]

Here's how I hope the conversation went.


(Ring, ring)

Mike Shanahan: Hello?

Ralph Wilson: I'm looking for Mike Shanahan.

MS: Who's calling?

RW: Ralph Wilson. I own the Bills.

MS: Oh, okay. This is Mike. Your voice sounds a lot like Al Davis' voice, so I was screening.

RW: Understood.

MS: So what can I do for you? You want to me to make an amateurish jewelry store ad? I do those all the time.

RW: No, no. We don't wear jewelry in Buffalo. It freezes to the skin.

MS: Really?

RW: Yeah. Check out Terrell Owens' jewelry next time you see him at a home game. It never moves. But anyway, I have a question for you. As you may know, we have a coaching vacancy now.

MS: Yeah, yeah, Dick Jauron. Can't win with Dick Jauron. He plays by the rules too much. You never see his linemen going low.

RW: Um, yeah. Okay. So anyway, we know that you have a lot of connections around the league, and....

MS: I have a staff ready to roll in an instant. Romanowski's coaching high school ball, Elway's just killing time with his Ponzi scheme, and I think I could even get Jake Plummer to be a player-coach.

RW: Actually, we're thinking more about Bill Cowher.

MS: I don't think Cowher could be a player coach. But I'm glad to have him on my staff.

RW: No, you don't understand. We know you have connections. None of us can find Bill Cowher's phone number, and we were wondering if you have it. Sorry to call so late.