@ the first post in the comments...
NEXT WEEK ON AMC'S THE KILLING
Stephen Holder: Yo, I ain’t even gonna front; this a blower of a case we’re dealing with, for real.
Sarah Linden: For the love of God, do you ever shut up, Holder?
Holder: Where I came up, I done seen some stuff. You don’t get this affected street twang without seeing the worst of the world. But this… yo… it’s some realness, y’know?
Sarah: I wasn’t aware you could order burgers here with bullshit cooked into the meat.
Holder: You’s a real ball buster, Sarah. I like that about you, even though no reasonable person would. But I do. Word.
Sarah: Well, color me ecstatic.
Holder: Fine, then. I guess I ain’ts gotsta share this with you:
Sarah: Rosie! Where did you find this?
Holder: I just happened to be doing standard police work, like, only 13 episodes into the season. Just kidding. Some dude in my AA meeting hooked me up with it.
Sarah: Look! She’s wearing a jersey. The Seahawks! Of course. We’ve only explored the possibility of the killer being close friends, family members, a mayoral candidate, a bunch of Muslims, a black teacher, Franklin & Bash, Sage Steele, David Benioff, Michael Imperioli and a dozen other red herrings. Naturally, the local professional football team is another blind alley worth pursuing.
Holder: Fo’ sho’, fo’ sho’
Sarah: State your name, please.
Marshawn Lynch: FOLKZZ IS CALL ME “JIMMY APPLEBEES” AKA “LUTHOR VON LUTHOR” AKA “THE LOST SWAGGAMAN OF HELLA TRILLSVILLE” AKA “BEEF MOE”
Sarah: I see. And can you vouch for your whereabouts the evening of May 3rd?
Marshawn Lynch: DAT NIGHT I WENT ALL BEEF MOE FIRST I SAW DIS DUDE IN HIS WHIP AND I WAS LIKE NATNATNATNATNATNATNATNATNAT DEN HE GONE TRY TO COME UP ON ME AND CAN’T BE HAVING DAT SO I BE LIKE DOOOOOOOOOWEEEP HEH HEH DAT DUDE CRAZY BUT CRAZY DONT GOT NOTHING ON STOOOPID CRAZY, NAHMEAN?
Sarah: I can’t understand a single word this man is saying.
Holder: That’s ’cause you ain’t no streets in you, girl.
Sarah: So you talk to him, then, Mr. ****ing Hood Life.
Holder: Aight. [Beat] Yo, B, lemme rap at ‘chu for a sec. We trying to find out who capped this bitch named Rosie. What you heard, yo?
Marshawn: CUZ ROLLED ON ME AGIN TWO WEEK BACK LOOK LIKE HE WANNA SCRAP I CALL THAT RESCRAP HE FINNA TAKE OUT BEEF MOE CANT BE TAKING OUT BEEF MOE FULL BORE, DUDE I BRING THE BORE THAT THE REAL BEEF MOE HEH HEH JOKES SO DUDE FIND HISSELF BEEFED ON TWO TIMES AND WHAT I HEAR BUT TWO DAYS AGO HE BE TALKING UP LIKE HE LICKED BEEF MOE DAT SOME TRIFLING SHIT, NAHMEAN?
Holder: … uhhhhhhhh…
Holder: … yeahhhhhhh … So here’s the dilly: he said, uh, that we should follow the money and check up on the owner of the team.
Sarah: Are you sure?
Holder: Uh… yeah. YEAH! ‘Course I’m sure, yo. I don’t question you when you let your kid’s life fall to shit or don’t bother checking the phone records after you found out Rosie was using her cell the night of her murder.
Sarah: All right. We’ll follow your lead.
[Show spends four entire episodes investigating the inner workings of Paul Allen's life to no avail]
Paul Allen: Officers, it’s been a treat getting to know the two of you. But I’m afraid I have more pressing matters to which I must attend. So I will offer you this deal: You leave my estate and never come again. You never appear at one of many companies and corporate interests. And maybe I’ll consider not filling an extremely costly lawsuit against your department.
Holder: That’s tough but fair.
Sarah: Goddammit, Holder. We’re not getting anywhere. This has been nothing but an endless stream of pointless twists, each more retarded than the last. I tried to tell myself that it’s all worth it, because when the case is solved, I can look back at it and tell myself it wasn’t some huge tedious ordeal. But now I don’t think we’re ever gonna solve it. This case is going to keep going, in more and more bizarre and inane directions. IT’S A ****ING STUPID WASTE OF TIME. WHY DID I EVER GET INVOLVED WITH THIS!?
Holder: You know, we could just pin it on Pete Carroll.
Sarah: Hey, YEAH. That asshole has gotten away with everything. There’s probably a murder in there somewhere, too.
Holder: Maybe this was worth it, after all.
[Critics rave over masterful deux ex machina]