Mike Wallace - Buried in Peruvian mudslide on March 10th
Zsa Zsa Gabor - Impaled on fence post on April 16th
Sylvester Stallone - Beaten to death by large Russian man on May 4th
Dolores Hope - Just doesn't wake up on May 28th. Just doesn't wake up...
Doris Day - Chokes on french fry and loneliness on June 6th
Joe Paterno - homosexual rape injuries on June 16th, though his death won't be reported until the year 2018.
Pacman Jones - Dies saving children from fire on July 12th. Just kidding! Tasered and choked to death by three strip club bouncers on July 12th
Ayman al-Zawahiri - Bullet between the eyes on September 10th
Fats Domino - Stroke on September 23rd
Conchata Ferrell - Aneurysm and severe Charlie Sheen irony on December 23rd
Chiefs Football - 2014 (and every other year)