Originally Posted by Chiefshrink
You mom is a classic co-dependent who is dating an alcoholic who really thinks he doesn't have a problem and is just going through the motions right now because the heat is on. Your mom has cleaned up a lot of this guy's messes already I'm guessing and now she expects you to go along as well. But your boundary setting has exposed her selfish insecurity of having a man at all cost
So much so that she verbally abuses her own kids when they disagree with her(e.g. YOU) Co-dependency from the family and friends of the addict involved can be sooooooooo sick at times.
Stay the course if you want your Mom to truly see her behavior for what it is and eventually get better. It will get ugly and will take time, but you will have to let her lie in her own messy bed she has created in order for her to realize for herself that she actually needs to change and not others . There are no guarantees and she may not get better.
It will be tempting at times to give in and take care of her by not sticking to your boundaries because it is very difficult as a son not to step in and take care of MOM.
But you see, the co-dependent hates healthy boundaries and literally takes on the same 'personality of manipulation' just like the addict but without physically taking drugs/alcohol. The co-dependent is addicted to feeling responsible for everyone's actions and especially their emotional well being. She is trying to get you to feel responsible for her feelings while she already feels responsible for her alcoholic BF's feelings. And the endless cycle of co-dependent dysfunction just keeps metastasizing from one family generation to the next family generation.
Did your father or grandfather have drinking problems ?? Because this stuff is sooooo generational.
Another outstanding post.
The guilt, shame, and manipulation tactic she used to try to conjole Tooge into attending the Thanksgiving dinner is classic codependent.
Her late husband may have 'treated her like a queen' but these behaviors don't just manifest overnight. Not to mention, that if she had healthy boundaries she would see red flags in the relationship and would have left way before it escalated into abusive. People who stay in these relationships have been conditioned by some sort of previous experience to them. There is a certain 'comfort level' which doesn't exist with people who have not be predisposed to stay in an abusive relationship. Maybe her own parents had this type of relationship.
Healthy people, even if incredibly lonely, don't stay in abusive relationships, period.
Meet the new boss same as the old boss.
BigChiefDave:"Anyone who thought we would only be in Iraq for a few years is either stoned or just stoopid."
"It is unknowable how long that conflict will last. It could last 6 days, 6 wks. I doubt 6 mths." Rummy 2/7/03