Originally Posted by tooge
Then she texts me that the BF is really hurting over this. I tell her that I don't intend to "hurt" him, but that his actions have consequences and time, therapy, and not apologies are what it will take with me. Today she basically tells me to **** off and she and the BF need time and not to call her for "a while". Wow. Sad.
Like I said, it will get uglier b4 it's get better because she has never had to deal with healthy boundaries especially from her own kids that now are beginning to expose her for who she really is at this point.
What I underlined in your quote is actually you being co-dependent to your mom and her attempt to manipulate your feelings using guilt. I realize you are new to all of this boundary setting and still learning to recognize the co-dependent emotional manipulation still attempted by the unrepentant enabler to the addict. But you will get much better at it as you keep setting your boundaries(sticking with your guns, as you say). You really don't give a shit about her BF's feelings nor should you. The only reason you said that was that old habit of her manipulating your feelings of feeling responsible for her feelings kicked in again. But you will get better at recognizing the manipulative games she plays.
You see the 'enabler' is the alcoholic without the alcohol if that makes sense. Her addiction is to feel responsible for her dysfunctional drunk and get you to always feel responsible for her happiness(feelings) so she can continue the addiction that tears apart your family. The sick part of co-dependency is that if her BF truly got healthy taking responsibility for himself and his own feelings and respecting boundaries of others and setting his own boundaries and she still stayed the same
she would move on from him and find another drunk to satisfy her addiction of taking care of and feeling responsible for that new drunk.
Don't give in too soon either, because this is another game addicts play when the pain of reality starts to set in as the boundaries do their work(addict is no longer getting other people to clean up their messes-alone in their mud puddle of life). It usually takes a long time for true admittance of a problem and true remorse to take place.
Hang in there brother and keep loving your kids and wife as you are doing.
You are absolutely doing the right thing !