The Complete Arnold List/An Exhaustive Ranking of All 29 Schwarzengger Starring Roles
In honor of the outstanding return of Arnold Schwarzenegger in The LAst Stand tonight, I present to you my complete ranking of The Governator's movies.
29. Conan the Barbarian (1982)
By far the most overrated of all Arnold films, and really of any films. Absolutely atrocious from start to finish. No redeeming qualities.
28. The Villain (1979)
A live-action Roadrunner and Wylie Coyote spoof in which Arnold wears a powder blue cowboy suit and is named The Handsome Stranger. Not nearly as awesome as it sounds.
27. Red Sonja (1985)
Arguably the worst cast of all time, led by the remarkably annoying monkey child.
26. Hercules in New York (1969)
Easily one of the worst movies ever made, but still only the fourth worst Arnold movie. The hilarity of Arnold playing Hercules bumps it ever so slightly past the previous three turds.
25. Batman and Robin (1997)
Again, universally considered one of the worst movies ever. Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy is one of the most atrocious performances in the history of acting. I, however, can't help but enjoy the boatloads of bad ice puns that Schwarzenegger unloads in this picture. LET'S KICK SOME ICE!
24. Stay Hungry (1976)
A movie with no discernible point.
23. The Jayne Mansfield Story (1980)
A movie about a blonde chick or something. I don't remember it. I don't even remember Arnold being in it.
22. Conan the Destroyer (1984)
Much better than Conan the Barbarian. Much worse than most other movies.
21. End of Days (1999)
20. Red Heat (1988)
Jim Belushi turns in an alarmingly unfunny sidekick role which really takes this movie down a few notches. He's no Tom Arnold in True Lies; that's for sure.
19. The Running Man (1987)
The movie that The Hunger Games ripped off. Some great one-liners by Arnold, but overall a disappointing film.
18. Last Action Hero (1993)
Starts strong from the very beginning ("You want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres!") and shows promise for about half an hour. Unnecessarily long and incredibly boring after that.
17. Raw Deal (1986)
Spectacular soundtrack and decent action, but a severely depressing lack of classic Arnold one-liners.
16. Jingle All the Way (1996)
Schwarzenegger is great ("YOU BARKED UP THE WRONG TREE!") and Phil Hartman plays an excellent obnoxious neighbor, but Sinbad crushes the replay value of this film. There's only so much Sinbad a man can take in one lifetime.
15. Junior (1994)
"She was Daddy's little girl…now he's giving her away!"
14. Collateral Damage (2002)
The movie is fine, but is one of the least funny of all Schwarzenegger films. Negative points for forgetting to have Arnold be funny in the script.
13. Pumping Iron (1977)
Fascinating, well-done documentary on bodybuilding featuring a very young Lou Ferrigno alongside Mr. Universe.
12. The 6th Day (2000)
Arnold clones himself and the bad guy is Danny Tanner's twin. Good enough for me.
11. Twins (1988)
Volume 1 of the Schwarzenegger/DeVito comedy dream team. Looking forward to the sequel with Eddie Murphy.
10. Terminator 3 (2003)
One of the more underrated Schwarzenegger films. Often overlooked because it didn't live up to T2…but then again, not a lot of movies do.
9. The Terminator (1984)
I'm not as high on this one as most people (in fact, I didn't like it at all the first time I saw it), but I do enjoy it more every time I watch it. A lot of iconic moments.
8. Total Recall (1990)
"Consider it a divorce."
7. Predator (1987)
The only movie where Arnold shows genuine fear. Of course, he still wins, but still an interesting tidbit.
6. Eraser (1996)
Schwarzenegger shooting an alligator and saying, "You're luggage" is worth the price of admission.
5. The Last Stand (2013)
After a ten-year break, even at age 65, Arnold hasn't lost a step. Well-written screenplay featuring that vintage blend of Schwarzenegger action and comedy.
4. Kindergarten Cop (1990)
This movie probably holds the record for most forehead veins popping out in fits of rage from a lead character. An abundance of spectacular quotes ("There is no bathroom!", "It's not a toomah!", "I'm da potty poopah," "Who is your daddy and what does he do?", "SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!", etc.)
3. Terminator 2 (1991)
"Chill out, dickwad."
2. True Lies (1994)
One of the rare Schwarzenegger movies that would actually be good even without Arnold. Well-done thriller with an excellent cast. Really looking forward to this being released on Blu-Ray.
1. Commando (1985)
An undeniably manly beast of a film.