[mdchiefsfan]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ers-1165681778

Your team: Oakland Raiders

Your 2012 record: 4-12. I bet the people at NFL Films seriously considered doing the season highlights video using sock puppets just to spice things up. They know a lemon when they see it. In the past 10 years, the Raiders have lost 11 or more games eight times. The Tom Cable/Hue Jackson Years represent the apex of your past decade. Having fans who dress up like a third-tier ECW tag team does nothing to mask this team’s suck.

By the way, that was the team’s first full season under new management. I keep waiting for Mark Davis to pull his scalp off and reveal that his father’s brain was transplanted into his skull upon death.

Your coach: Dennis Allen. Who is he? Do we know if he’s an actual person and not simply a cardboard cutout of a stock photo placed along the sidelines in a shrewd cost-cutting maneuver? He strikes me as useless in a Pat Shurmur kind of way.

Your quarterback: (spins wheel) Oh hey, it’s millionaire Wally Pipp impersonator Matt Flynn! Flynn takes over for the departed Carson Palmer. And since the Raiders exhausted roughly five entire drafts to acquire Carson Palmer and Terrelle Pryor, Flynn’s supporting cast consists of the leftover parts of Darren McFadden plus a host of wideouts acquired from a nearby kennel.

Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: McFadden, who deserves some kind of reward for sustained non-excellence over such an extended period of time. I want all of McFadden’s decent career performances stricken from the record as a matter of principle. The day this guy logs his 250th carry of the season is the day I grow a penis out of my forehead.

Why your team sucks: If you never read Jim Trotter’s SI piece on how the Raiders fell into massive disrepair under Al Davis, prepare to be not-at-all shocked. This team didn’t even have a greenskeeper until a year ago. Afghanistan can be rebuilt quicker than this flaming shitwreck. No wonder they have such a terrible roster: GM Reggie McKenzie has had to spend the past year sweeping old toenails out of the attic. They have no quarterbacks. Their running corps is strictly a theoretical exercise. They lost their best wideout in the offseason, which is a terrifying thought because Darrius Heyward-Bey shouldn’t even be the best receiver on a ****ing Arena League team. Josh Cribbs is now the team’s best wideout, which is bad because he doesn’t even really play wideout.

So desperate are the Raiders for good personnel that they willingly spent a first round pick on a dude who is one freak hit away from vomiting up his own aorta. They signed Charles Woodson (who, given his injury history, will likely just take road games off to rest) and he immediately became, by far, the best player on the roster. At least under Al, there was some fun to be had in the Raiders’ wretchedness. They were bad AND evil, which was mildly amusing. Now they’re the Jaguars with nicer unis. I miss Al’s overhead projector.

We did this preview last year and I said that all Raiders fans were just dipshit posers. I would like to issue a correction to that: They’re for real, all right. They aren’t pretending to be violent, horrible people. They ARE violent, horrible people. In addition to leaving the team a roster devoid of talent, Al Davis also screwed over the Raiders by catering specifically to the tiny, Tea Party-with-machetes lunatic fringe of his fanbase. The Raiders have pandered to the denizens of the Black Hole pretty much at the expense of everyone else in the stadium: women, children, people who won’t mistake your mouth for a urinal, etc. Be sure to attend Knife Night this year! You get five bucks off your ticket if you bring your knife!

Under Davis, the Raiders were PROUD to play in a stadium that looks and feels like a ****ing prison, and they did virtually nothing—certainly not football-wise—to win over people who just wanted to root for a normal team and not a ****ing chapter of the Sons of Anarchy. It’ll take McKenzie years and years to undo the damage, and that’s assuming he’s even good enough to do the job. He might very well not be. He might be worthless.

Why your team doesn't suck: Maybe Pryor will unseat Flynn and become the darling of the NFL, just like Russell Wilson did. Although that’s unlikely, because you only win the CHARACTER GUYS. (I love how dumb that expression is—“He’s a real character guy. NOT A GLORY BOY.”)

The 15 worst Raiders ever:

1) JaMarcus Russell. Want to hear something terrible? Apart from Nnamdi, the best Raiders first round pick of this century was probably a kicker.

2) Todd Marinovich

3) Barrett Robbins. “Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on earth: Tijuana!”

4) Norv Turner

5) Anthony Wayne Smith. I bet Al Davis nodded in solemn approval when Smith got tagged for murder. KILLIN’ FOLK… NOW THAT IS RAIDERS FOOTBALL.

6) Crystal Skull

7) Justin Fargas. He still might break out!

8) Darrell Russell

9) Cole Ford. Attempted to kill Siegfried and Roy, which is stupid because there’s a TIGER right there to do the job for him. Did you see his beard? That is one fine nutjob beard.

10) Billy Joe Hobert

11) Andrew Walter

12) Javon Walker

13) DeAngelo Hall

14) Larry Brown

15) Desmond Howard. You have to really make an effort to be this awful at free agency.