[Los Pollos Hermanos]

4-9

4. Florida: I actually bear no ill will to you, Florida. I hope you have a fine season, until October comes around and it's the fourth quarter of a tight game and Urban Meyer's head ****ing BLOWS UP all over the sideline. Just a massive explosion that shatters his whole head, sending out little globs of brain and blood all over the Dazzlers. Then the replay gets on the web and they have to interview Tebow at Denver Bronco headquarters and he's all crying and shit because Urban was like a Dad to him and he's saying it's okay because he's home with Jesus now and GAHHH HE SHOULD HAVE JUST QUIT! BUT NOW HE'S DEAD! WHAT WILL HIS KIDS DO NOW? GAHHHHHH!
So I'm looking forward to that. Also, you are pussies.
5. Texas: Oh, you Austinites. So goddamn pleased with yourselves. Ooh, loogit us! We have indie movies and indie music and indie food carts and indie pencils! You know what? I don't like indie things. I don't like Animal Collective. I saw Half Nelson, and it was a piece of shit. I like movies and songs that look and sound like they cost more than four dollars to make. And if they come hipster-free, then all the better. You people are the ****ing Williamsburg of Texas, and that isn't a compliment. Though I do like that Sam Acho. It's like his last name is a suffix for all good Latino things: macho, nacho, muchacho, Comacho, borracho… Great name. But you are still ASS.
6. TCU: Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet. Oooh! Hold me back! YOU TALK ABOUT A RIVALRY! I can't wait to see which uptight Christian Texas asshole school this year gets to lay claim to a T-Fal nonstick pan. WHO WILL FRY THE FIRST EGG OF SWEET VICTORY? Count me in!
7. Oklahoma, 8. Nebraska: I don't even know why we bother to differentiate states like Oklahoma from Kansas or Nebraska. Shouldn't these all just be lumped into one giant, shitty state? We don't even have to call it a state. We can just call the US Central Territories. It could appear on maps as a giant black block. Just ignore this section, world. Mind our appearance while we renovate so that it doesn't look like the arid, man-zombie landscape it currently is. We'll replace it with a Michael Kors outlet store by 2015.
9. Iowa: Oh, look! It's the Big Ten's rapiest team! No wonder Christian Peter's alma mater wanted to join this conference so very badly. Iowa is the number one producer of corn among all American states. Many of its farmers are heavily subsidized to grow corn, turn that corn into syrup, and then rape every other foodstuff in the grocery store with that syrup so that you and your kids get fatter and fatter and fatter until you look just like everyone who lives in Iowa. Want to know why you can't resist that Mr. Pibb, tubby? **** FARMER BOB IS YOUR MAN. I also blame Iowa for Field of Dreams, and all the losers who tell me I don't have a heart if I don't like Field of Dreams. Well, **** THAT. That movie was gay.

The rest are pretty good too.