[Hammock Parties]

This is a legendary internet dating profile that apparently has a lot of success if you don't look like an inbred. Good luck.

Note: the actual profile part is only the first section. The other crap is more ammo to use.

Through my dealings with the fairer sex over the previous 22 years, I have become completely disillusioned with females (all people really, but I’m not trying to date guys) and have now resorted to the internet in an effort to find one that I can at least tolerate for extended periods of time.

You want to know about me? I’ll tell you what I’m not.

1) I am not your father. I will not tolerate childish bullsh*twhen you don’t get your way and I will not throw money at you to shut you up.
2) I am not your hobby. That’s why you have friends. This road goes both ways though, and you’re not expected to join me on any trips you don’t want to. I’ve got friends for that too.
3) I am not someone who puts the toilet seat down after I urinate. You’re a big girl now and if you can’t be bothered to so much as look at where you’re about to park your ass, you deserve the cold embrace of toilet water (and god help anyone around you on the road).

Here’s where we get to you. As a staunch rationalist, I realize you’re probably every bit as bitter with men as I am with your compatriots, possibly having almost given up on us. My (admittedly weak) theory is you have not yet lost all hope but have simply turned to a less social lifestyle and are casually perusing the personals just waiting for my ad to pop up so we can end our days in perpetual bliss or whatever storybook bullsh*t those cookie cutter girls get off on.

I am not an extremely picky guy. Being my dream girl is more a matter of the things you aren’t than the things you are.

My ideal woman
-when asked about her hobbies, has more to say than, “Like, you know, stuff,” or the always popular “shopping, hanging out, music, friends.”
-can think outside her own head and understand that while her wants and needs are her priority (and there’s nothing wrong with that), those around her have their own desires.
-takes care of herself to some degree. We can’t help certain aspects of our appearance, but if you don’t bathe regularly and have eaten yourself fat it demonstrates a fatal lack of respect for yourself that one would expect to bleed into other aspects of your behavior.

If you’ve read this much crap and are actually interested, we might just stand a chance. Send me an email that makes me think, laugh, or hope.

For the love of God, just someone show me you’re not all the same.


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Change tardtxt age and physical info as needed. Had a girl ask if I was bi (I'm straight) because it says "I'm not looking to date guys". I changed it to "because I'm straight".

Ask if she thinks a tiger would beat a gorilla. Most women pick the tiger. Serious, I've gotten 100% response to this question.

Use your real picture. Even if you're fat and ugly, tardtxt shows you're confident, rely on it.

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Disillusion is my cross to bear

But it's your gender's delusion and deceit that nailed me to it.

Let's face it: Women are the weaker gender, and weakest of all seems to be your collective ability to walk a straight line of truth. You're the drunk drivers of the dating world, leaving in your wake smoking heaps of emotional wreckage whose only sin was finding themselves in your way.

Before you cover your monitor in Ben and Jerry's and bust out the typing wand to fire off a strongly worded condemnation of my beliefs that resonated so strongly with your subconscious insecurities, ask yourself if I'm really wrong. Are you a unique and beautiful snowflake who dedicates herself to honesty and the best interests of her partner or a portly princess with entitlement poisoning whose go-to response for not getting expensive enough birthday presents is to hop on the nearest erect penis?

Probably somewhere in between, but you get the idea. Nobody's perfect, but at least you can rationalize your own imperfections by pretending they're the product of your partner's own failings, right?

Well the good news is, your dream date is here, confident you'll make someone very happy some day. Someone else. I can do better.

I hold myself to a higher standard of behavior and expect the same from my partners after watching countless friends reduced to sobbing wrecks at the hands of some of femininity's more dangerous stereotypes: The diseased club slut (aka anything with a vagina found in one), the pretentious book nerd (OMG free trade coffee!), even the subtly insane girl next door who's less than forthcoming about her atomic biological clock's impending alarm.

I couldn't give you a great answer on why I'm posting this given your likely quality as a craigslist whore (two rungs above club slut with single mom's in between?), but given past experiences the best women are found in the most unlikely of circumstances.


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After meticulously examining your online dating profile, I have reached the conclusion that we would make wonderful offspring together. I would very much enjoy engaging in the normal boring courtship ritual in which I destroy large portions of my earning power on activities with you while awkwardly building rapport in hopes for that first piece of fleeting physical contact. In the event that you have constructed enough trust, comfort, and connection with me, perhaps we can get married, buy a two story house with a white picket fence, have 2.5 children, and a Labrador Retriever (color to be determined). After 10 years, one of two things will happen: I will cheat on you with a college aged blonde cokewhore or you will trip and fall on the dick of a tradesman. Either will result in you taking half of my shit. If you are interested, please let me know.


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You're everything I didn't think I wanted in a girl.


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Do you even lift?


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What's a beautiful girl like you doing in this sea of swamp ?


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Lets get drunk and make some mistakes.


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The way I see it is, we could begin by getting to know basic info about each other here, then you could join me in the "first date", maybe to a place like the state fair, where we continue to talk about things that are seemingly insignificant at the time, yet important to a successful relationship, such as where your dream wedding location would be, or what my favorite candy is (it's Reeses).

After several fulfilling years, and ultimately decades, of sharing things like burnt pasta dinners, me having to come get you because your car broke down in the ghetto, nights spent making passionate love together to a "Love Songs of the '90s" soundtrack, and ultimately having the life of two stereotypical romantic comedy characters, we could spend our final years together traveling the country in an RV, visiting bingo halls and casinos.