[Saul Good]

71. Bob Dole

To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure that Bob actually exists. Sure, I've seen pictures of him, and I've heard people tell stories about seeing him in person...but I've seen pictures and heard stories about The Loch Ness Monster and Chupacabra as well. Frankly, the pictures and stories of him aren't that dissimilar to those of Bigfoot, so I remain skeptical.

When Bob was still a young schoolboy...shortly after the Treaty of Versailles was signed to end the Great War...he set out to make some friends. The popular kids played football, but Bobby was far too frail for such hurly-burly. He blamed his feebleness on polio, but the truth is...he was just a little bitch. That option being off the table, he did the next closest thing. He became a male cheerleader. Even in the dust-bowl days, it was pretty pathetic. I mean, he wasn't even one of the strong male cheerleaders who got to touch the girls' asses. He was more the "Rah Rah Rah, Sis Boom Bah" type. Unfortunately for little Bobby D, his cracking voice sounded even worse through a megaphone. Disappointed, but not discouraged, he turned in his sweater and joined the band and found his true calling.

He still had no discernible talent, but the victrolas used in those days weren't exactly high fidelity, so his shortcomings were less noticeable. Eventually, he got a full-time gig in Show Biz...as a member of the Rock-afire Explosion. It wasn't exactly Fibber McGee and Molly, but it beat working in the mines for two bits an hour, so he stuck it out for decades before ultimately being replaced by an automatonic Bear named Billy Bob.

Older, but wiser, he decided to start his own band. He went to his old high school's Battle of the Bands competition where he recruited new members by playing up his ability to buy beer for the band (a huge selling point for young teens) and get senior discounts at the Black Eyed Pea (less of a factor in their decision). Bob Dole was back.

Unfortunately for Bob and the rest of the band, this was back when MTV still played videos, and this radio star was the first casualty. It wasn't all bad, though. He did have a slight brush with fame when his song "Get Out of My Yard, Get Off of My Lawn" was overheard by a young Billy Ocean who later popularized a slightly re-branded version. Bob still receives royalty checks...and Social Security checks.

Pros: Voted for FDR four times. Invented the Hot Toddy

Cons: Still uses an old Sears catalog as spank material because he swears he saw a nipple showing through one of the lacier bras. (Bob...I know what you think you saw, but trust me on this one. The "red spot" you saw is simply an imperfection in the paper...not a nipple. I know this to be true because it's a black and white catalog). Eats dinner at 2 PM before leaving dimes as a tip.

Outlook for 2014: Falls. Can't get up.