[memyselfI]

Originally Posted by tooge

yeah, I generally regard Phil's advice as very well thought out and sound. I am going to follow it. I will call her regularly every week or two, and I'll keep the conversation very clear of the BF. In fact it'll be very trivial talk about the kids and such. Thanks to all of you for your input. Hollidays shouldn't have to be ruined by things like this, but such is life. I'm looking at this as just another lesson life gives me that will help me to do something better next time a difficult situation arises. Happy Thanksgiving all.
Tooge, the bummed out

I've had this relationship with my mother for many years. I let my guard down a few years ago and tried to develop something deeper and it blew up in my face. NEVER again.

Tooge, in all honesty, I think you are focusing too much on the symbolism and tradition of the holiday at the expense of the big picture. Thanksgiving is one day on the calendar. Your mother's issues transcend that day. She is dealing with some deep shit right now. Your challenge is to develop a healthy boundary of concerned son vs. willing participant/figurative punching bag.

Lastly, get over the image of the perfect holiday. It does not happen except on the Hallmark Channel and in marketing campaigns. Holidays are generally a stressful time for fully functional families. It can be sheer hell for dysfunctional or addicted/codependent families. Lots of drama and ignored dynamics come to play in a big way at a time when we are lead to THINK everyone else is having a great time with their families. Sounds like the BF probably has had this very scenario played out in his midst before. It likely is not the first Thanksgiving he's ruined. Rather, your families first.

So do yourself a favor and adjust that image of what a successful, happy, and healthy Thanksgiving 'should be.' With that said, toxic people are not required to be around you or your children no matter what their blood type or relation to you is or what the date on the calendar says.