84. StevieRay
Stevie is a devout Christian. He briefly flirted with the idea of becoming a priest because he wanted a job that encouraged being a sexual predator, but he couldn't figure out how to show off his chest hair while wearing the clerical collar. Eventually, he decided to become an Elvis impersonator so that he could have the best of both worlds.
Easily the most passive-aggressive member of our fine community, Stevie loves to take cheap shots at other posters under the guise of being concerned about their emotional and spiritual well-being. He's elevated it to an art-form. This is the closest he will ever get to being an actual artist despite the fact that he fancies himself a painter. Maybe I'm a philistine, but any asshole with a can of spray paint and a bad attitude can produce the kind of "art" Stevie shits out. I've paid $3 for landscapes on cardboard in Tijuana that were better than the portraits of black people Stevie adds to the side of charter schools. Maybe if he had thought of doing portraits of Andre the Giant and writing "obey", he could have become the modern day Andy Warhol. Instead, he's Bazooka Joe without the punchlines.
His claim to fame is that he's a Chiefs superfan. Not just anyone can do that, you know...you have to have a costume...or at least some red face paint and Chiefs bed sheets to wear as a cape or something. Okay. Anyone can do that, but it's still pretty sweet. They get their own locker room at Arrowhead and everything. I mean, it's not technically a locker room per se, but he and X-factor do change in the same port-a-potty in the parking lot before games. (I guess I was right the first time. You have to be able to fit inside a port-a-potty to be a superfan, so not just anyone can do it...sorry, Fraz.)
Pros: I like the way the word "pompadour" sounds. Now that the new Liberace movie has come out, his Elvis costumes actually seem relevant. Does that sweet "stick your arm out straight and wiggle your hand" thing really well.
Cons: Looks inside his kleenex after blowing his nose. (What the **** are you hoping to find?) Mixes his "Jesus Juice" too stiff. Remember, Stevie, putting it in a Pepsi can isn't enough. If the first one has too much booze, the kids are going to get wise to your plot. Fast-forwards "Passion of the Christ" to the scenes where Jim Caviezel has his shirt off.
Outlook for 2014: Let's say higher. No way does this year's list even get finished, so who gives a **** about next year, anyway?