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77. Phobia
Phil is a legend in his own mind. He has this peculiar habit of bragging over things that nobody else on the face of the earth even cares about. I swear to Christ, P, nobody gives a shit that you once called Trent Green "TrINT Green" 12 years ago. It was funny enough to generate a 44 post thread. Congratulations. Why is that throw-away of a thread in the ****ing Hall of Classics? Is that really a classic thread? In Phil mother****ing Kloster's head? Yes. To anybody else in the world? Hardly.
Phobia is the kind of guy who will only befriend people who are a rung below him in status. If you make more money than him...are smarter than him...have a better goatee than him...drive a faster Camaro than him, etc., he's going to run you off. You see, the most important thing to Phil is to surround himself with people who admire him. That makes him feel important. By weeding the successful people out of his circle, he gets to wax poetic about how he "only drinks the finest domestic macro brews" without getting called on his bullshit.
Everyone knows a guy like this. He's the guy who has his buddies over for beers so he can "big time" them. He'll make a big show about how generous he is with his beer. Then, he'll come out with a frosted mug for himself. "Nothing beats a cold one after a softball double-header, right guys? Feel free to drink my beer, but only the big guy gets the frosty mug. You guys can fight over who gets the koozie." He's also the guy who takes the extra base and slides in beer league softball games.
So that's pretty much phobia. He'll read this and pretend that he thinks it's sort of funny (but could be better if...). He may even poke a little fun at himself just to show how self-deprecating he can be. He doesn't think it's funny, though. He's WAY funnier than me. Don't believe him? Just ask any of the slightly older, slightly fatter, slightly less successful friends, and they'll back him up.
Pros: If frazod really wants to live in someone's head, phobia is the one guy who might be able to squeeze his fat ass in. Didn't really rip off a customer like billay said he did on his Facebook page.
Cons: Has a bizarre goatee size to face size ratio. Isn't a goatee supposed to at least be wider than your lips? Talks about how good he is at eating pussy to anyone who will listen...That must be a "thing" for middle aged dudes with beer guts and goatees because he's not the only one who does that, but it just creeps me the **** out.
Outlook for 2014: Bans hootie for no good reason...2,000 post threads fighting about it litter the front page for weeks...hootie comes back...sun rises, sun sets
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