[Hammock Parties]

OK. You guys deserve to hear the whole story. It is a tale of woe.

So I respond to this girl's craigslist ad. She wants to suck some dick. AWESOME! I show her a pic and she's down. We make plans to meet at her tanning salon sometime after 5. She doesn't know when she'll be there but wants to get a bed session in first, anyway. Cool, whatever.

So I get that shit clean for her and drive out there. I take a wrong turn but, amazingly, my previously undiscovered innate sense of direction kicks in and I find my way back through sheer force of will. I arrive at the tanning salon at 5:35 PM.

I ask the gay receptionist - and he is flaming - if there's a "Courtney" here. He says no, and I tell him I'm waiting for her. He doesn't mind so I pick up the latest "People." It has Michael Jackson on the cover and I enjoy it while I wait, and make small talk with gay receptionist.

About an hour passes and she's still not there. What a bunch of shit. I leave.

I'm about 10 minutes down the road when I get a text. Apparently she's running late and will be there soon. However, I'm halfway home, feel like I'm being played - possibly by a gay receptionist - and I'm in the middle of rush hour traffic. I don't feel like turning around, so I don't.

I get home, and I'm pissed. I post an ad on craigslist, telling everyone how I pissed I am, and are there any sluts who would like to suck me off? I do get one reply - the gay receptionist, who apparently trolls craigslist. He tells me that she did come in later, and she was really hot. He also laughs at my ad, and said he had no idea I was there just to hook up with someone. How amusing. He also hits on me a bit. bundle of sticks.

Later, I exchange a few e-mails with her. Apparently she feels bad for leaving me high and dry and texting so late. We make plans to meet the next day at 5. At her tanning salon. At 5. The time is set.

A day passes and I don't hear from her, so I don't go. That evening she texts me, saying she couldn't make it earlier anyway, so she didn't attempt to confirm that she would be there. She's babysitting and can't see me now, unfortunately. We make plans to meet at 5 the next day.

So, I leave a little early for some reason the next day. There's a comic book shop next door I want to check out, and I really don't want to go into the tanning salon anyway. I don't really want to face the gay receptionist. I mean, come on, the guy was hitting on me. Yeesh.

In the comic book shop, the owner tells me about their weekly RPG sessions. I'm very interested, and take his card. I also buy a graphic novel. I want to support this comic shop. It seems cool. Plus, if I start attending weekly, maybe I could meet this girl down here multiple times. I'm all about convenience.

So, 5:30 rolls around. I text her a couple times, no reply. God dammit. I decide to leave the comic book shop, because loitering is uncool, even if you're a customer. I go park in some shade and read my graphic novel (V for Vendetta) for another half hour.

I'm about to pull back onto the road, pissed off, and suddenly I get another text. She says I'm early. WTF? No I'm not. Where are you? Then she says she'll be there in five minutes. HALLELUJAH!

So I go back to the tanning salon parking lot. I still don't want to go inside the tanning salon. Gay receptionist is there, lurking, desiring my man meat. Yeesh. No thanks. But I park. She texts - where are you? I say, outside, in the parking lot. Then she says she's in a tanning bed.

Well, OK. I've been forced to confront gay receptionist. So I walk over there, yank open the door, and say, "is she here?"

"She left 15 minutes ago."

WTF!!!!

Then I get a text. She said she left, and figured I flaked. No, bitch, I was in the parking lot. At this point, it's pretty clear her e-mails were delayed in getting to my phone. Her text about the tanning bed (in a bed), was an obvious response to the text I sent at least 15 minutes earlier (where are you?), while I was parked in the shade somewhere else.

I text her and tell her I'm here now, come on back, but apparently she doesn't want to. She's at home. So, I go home, apologize to her on email, explain what happened. She sort of laughs and says we'll meet next week.

Today, she says she's changed her mind and doesn't want to do this anymore. She has been talking with her ex, they were almost engaged once, so, see you later. Dammit. Terrible.

A couple hours later, gay receptionist e-mails me. Great. He says she came in today and he asked her about "us," and she told him about her ex. I say, yes, sucks to be me. Then at some point he starts talking about how he texted her a picture of his huge wang (he's actually bi, but certainly leans more gay if you ask me), and now they're going to hook up for a meaningless blowjob once he gets off work. At the tanning salon.

And he just left a few minutes ago. So a gay man is now receiving the blowjob I was scheduled for. Because on one day, I couldn't turn around to go and get said blowjob, and on the second day, I didn't feel like being in the presence of a gay dude, which is understandable, but kind of a pussy thing to do when I GET CAN GET BLOWN FOR MY TROUBLE.

The moral of the story is...never meet at a tanning salon that employs gay receptionists. And if you absolutely have to, don't strike up conversations with them.

FAIL!