I was living in a house that I shared with my brother and his wife. 1 bathroom. At this time I was pretty heavily medicated with oxycodone on a regular basis, so most of the time I would get plugged up for a couple days and then it would be like Mt. Tambora circa 1815.
So it was a cool brisk Saturday. Late morning. I had to go into work for a couple hours so I grabbed a couple microwaved Entenmann's cinnamon donuts and a coffee. Quite a delicious brunch for a man on the go.
Right as I was leaving the house for work, I felt a small rumble in my stomach. Nothing major, but I felt I should probably go have a sitdown on the porcelain and wait it out. Turns out my brothers wife had just gotten in the shower, in the bathroom where our only toilet is. I knew she'd be in there for an hour or longer so I figured "It's not an emergency. I'll just head up to work and do my deed there." It's only 10-15 minutes to get to my shop so I assumed I was good. As soon as I get on the interstate, the fury inside me emerged. The cinnamon donuts and the coffee must have mixed to create some kind of nitro glycerin. It felt like someone had dumped mentos and diet coke in my asshole and then corked it shut. I got 3 minutes away from my shop. I could feel it. Victory was mine if I could just keep my mind focused on something. Anything. "Boy I wonder how many people know that Eddie Van Halen did the guitar solo on Michael Jackson's Beat It" **** TRAFFIC IS BACKED UP AT MY EXIT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
At this point, it was either shit my pants or risk my intestines bursting. It had really built up. So I had that embarrassing moment. Even though nobody in the cars around me had any idea, I just released what seemed like the hottest softest shit log in history. In my pants. It was physically impossible to hold it. The shit won. My rectum was like a guy in the strong man competition holding a boulder. Eventually you see his face start to tremble and it's all over after that.
My shop was in viewing distance now. I was sitting at the stop light with cars all around me. I had to play it off like nothing happened, thinking that all the people in the cars around me somehow knew.
I get to the shop, run in and turn off the alarm code, all the while holding my underpants so the shit log wouldn't fall out and run down my leg. The best case scenario at this point was to make it to the toilet without looking like I had just slipped in mud.
I make it to the bathroom and dumped my underpants into the toilet, which was basically the world's worst adult diaper at that point. I finished my shit, cleaned up, and wondered how the blue **** that had just happened.