DENVER SIGNS ROBERT MATHIS
By Alexdsmit H. Sucks
Sack King promises to "plunder" Anchorage, "ravage" Alex D. Smith's spouse.
In the biggest move of the Sandbox offseason so far, reigning Lunar North champion Denver inked pass rusher Robert Mathis to a 6-year, $115 million contract.
"I love the Broncos, and I love money too, so this was a great move," said Mathis. "They already have a great defense, and I feel I can really put them over the top."
Last year the Broncos won 15 games and ranked #1 in both offense and defense, but fell to Lunar North rival Anchorage in the second round of the playoffs. In that game, Rabbits quarterback Alex D. Smith torched Denver's top-ranked unit for 268 yards and two touchdowns.
The Rabbits built a 21-3 halftime lead, and never looked back on their way to an eventual Sandbox Bowl appearance, though they lost to the Tacos because Smith just isn't that good.
Mathis promised to change all of that.
"Man, that was some bullshit," he said. "Denver's the best team in the league and have been for two years now. The Rabbits, they just got lucky. Smith isn't even that good. We gonna plunder that team this year. Me, Julius Peppers and Charles Johnson...we gonna take it to 'em."
The Broncos ranked third in the league in sacks last year with 52. Adding Mathis could make an already-feared defense one of the best ever, and the 32-year old was not shy about predicting another elite season.
"If I don't get 20 sacks I'll be disappointed," he said. "They can't double all three of us. My goal is 30 sacks...I'm at least as good as Greg Hardy."
Mathis also had a message for Smith's family.
"Man, after we beat the crap out of Anchorage I tell you what," he said. "I seen Alex's wife. She's real pretty. Baby, I show you what a real man is after we knock the stuffing out of yours! I'll ravage you! You'll be begging for it!"
Mathis then hopped into a monster truck driven by Tom Brady and bearing the vanity plates "2HOT4ALEX." The truck did a wheelie around the parking lot as the pair drove off, flipping the bird to no one in particular.
Pittsburgh Tacos quarterback Peyton Manning did not respond to phone calls for this article, though soft whimpering was heard on the line.