[memyselfI]

Originally Posted by tooge

Quick update:

So I stick to my guns. She says she understands about my principles. Then she texts me that the BF is really hurting over this. I tell her that I don't intend to "hurt" him, but that his actions have consequences and time, therapy, and not apologies are what it will take with me. Today she basically tells me to **** off and she and the BF need time and not to call her for "a while". Wow. Sad.

Tooge, sorry to hear this but boundaries have been crossed in a bad way all around here. However, your beef with the BF is sort of misplaced but understandable. Your Mother is the person making choices which make her a victim but also an abuser herself. SHE IS WELCOMING AND ALLOWING HIM IN HER HOME. She is turning your concern into a weapon against you. I am not sure if your involvement (confronting the BF vs. holding your mother accountable) in this was wise. It's one thing to be someone's confidant quite another to take matters into your own hands and start injecting yourself in the middle of your Mom's problems which you now firmly are.

Unfortunately what she has been able to accomplish with your good intentions (remember the road to hell is paved with them) and involvement is transference. From him being the bad guy to you being one. The one who will ruin her holiday. The one who doesn't understand or appreciate her. The one who hurts her due his actions and words...

All of this plays right into the hands of the abuser boyfriend. He likely thrives and survives on divide and conquer.