Okay ... I can see that you guys don't like those ideas, either.
So how about this?
We replace the football with a life-size, inflatable tittah! That way, the tittah is always front and center ... the focal point of every play! We handoff the tittah! We pass the tittah! We kick the tittah through the uprights for 3! We score touchdowns by progressing the tittah past the goal line and celebrate by spiking the tittah! It's effective and loads of fun, too.
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