[Saul Good]

76. Dave Lane

Dave is the embodiment of "stuck in the 80s guy". He peaked back in the days when movie bad-guys rode dirt bikes and your t-shirts turned colors when they got hot or cold. It was a kick-ass time, and nobody kicked more ass than Dave. He bought the sweetest hot tub that Watson's had to offer, and he used to rail chicks in it with Mark Gubicza. ("With Mark" might be a bit of an overstatement, actually. I mean, it WAS Dave's wife that Gubie was dumping his nuts into while Mr. Lane cheered, but Dave didn't get to touch her until after Mark would leave. Still...Dave was sitting on the edge of the tub, and his feet were in the water, so that ****ing counts.)

Anyway, as the years went by, Dave kept doing the same things. Those things just became a little less cool with time. I mean, he was still watching Royals players with mullets turn his wife inside out in that very same hot tub, but the nineties didn't have that same magic about them. Sure, Jeff Montgomery had a mullet too...but it just wasn't the same. It's kind of hard to pinpoint what changed...Dave blames the AIDS epidemic. That does make a little sense, I guess. After all, when you have to fish used condoms out of the filter, you realize that the raw-dogging innocence of the eighties is gone forever. Still, Dave didn't exactly do himself any favors.

You see, Dave has a habit of pissing in the hot tub. No big deal. We've all done it. I'm not saying it's right, but everyone sort of accepts it. Dave's problem wasn't so much that he peed in the hot tub...it was the fact that he would do it when he wasn't even in the tub at the time, and that's just bad form. (I'm not going to have this conversation with you again, Dave. I understand that the same urine gets in the pool either way. It's still way grosser when you're arcing a boner-whiz into the tub from 15 feet away.)

So now, thirty years have passed. The party has ended, and his wife is gone, but Dave just can't let it go. He's still got the hot tub and the "Missouri Compromise" hair style, but now he has to settle for jacking it to old school porn...the kind on tapes you have to rewind when you're done. If you forget, and someone comes over and turns on the television, they immediately know what scene you finished to. In Dave's case, it's always either the scene shot from directly behind the dude's asshole or the one where they show the guy's face right as he busts.

I understand that accidents happen. The chick's titties are waggling back and forth...she's really into it...you're about to blow...and then...pow...they cut to the ol' back of the sack cam, and you can't shut it down in time. You know in your head that it doesn't make you queer, but you still just feel sad and uncomfortable the rest of the day...like people somehow know. Then, you just get pissed off at the movie because "who the **** decided that putting a camera there was a good idea? Nobody wants to see that shit". Well, people like Dave want to see that shit. And people like Dave pay for porn. So if you're looking for someone to blame, Dave's your guy.

Pros: Once saw Steve Gutterberg while eating at at the High Boy. Above-average break-dancer. Those lessons have really paid off.

Cons: Hates religion with a passion because, back when he was an altar boy, that really handsome priest touched everyone but him. (Dave...it's like your dad told you...it's not the sex he was after. It was the chase.) Has black lights in his room that make his bed spread look like it's covered in glow-in-the-dark maps of Hawaii.

Outlook for 2014: Slips into a deep depression after his VCR eats his only copy of Butt **** Sluts go Nuts volume IX.