[gblowfish]

I am quite fluent in "GM Speak," I translated King Carl for many years. Fat Scott is not nearly as cryptic as the King.

Let me translate this interview in plain English, minus coach speak spin:

• How surprised are you at 1-5?

“Surprised … or disappointed. That’s where we are. It is what it is. What it is, where it went, WTF? But it’s where we are. You can’t wallow in it. You don't bathe in it. You wipe it off the bottom of your shoe, then scrape your shoe in the grass three or four times. That’s what we’re going to do.”

• What’s been the biggest disappointment?

"I hate myself and want to die. We all have a hand in this thing, starting with me. I have been touching myself irresponsibly for weeks now. Ultimately I’m responsible for the football operation, and we’re 1-5. To be brief let me say: Let there be Peace on Earth, and let it begin with me."

• Have you discussed a contract extension with Chiefs chairman Clark Hunt as reported by CBS? (Note: The Star reported Sunday, citing a source close to the situation, that the Chiefs have not offered Pioli a contract extension nor have discussed an extension. Hunt told The Star that the Chiefs do not discuss contracts publicly.)

“CHunt spoke to The Star last week, and that’s our organizational philosophy. The first thing you learn about Chiefs Contract Club is…..you DON'T TALK ABOUT CHIEFS CONTRACT CLUB! That’s where it’s at, that what it be, fo'shizzle.”

• So where do you think this (CBS’ report) originated, if you nor Clark talk about contracts?

“I don’t waste energy on that stuff. You know what I’ve got to do? I have to take a hellacious dump. After that, I’ve got to get this thing fixed. That’s where I need to spend my time, energy and emotion on is getting this football team fixed. Not chasing rumors because those are the things that are offshoots of what the real problem is. Don't say you love me when it's just a rumor. Don't say a word if there is any doubt. Sometimes I think that love is just a tumor. You've got to cut it out."

• But if your contract is through 2013, you’d have one year left, and (coach) Romeo Crennel will have two years left because he’s through 2014; what kind of confidence can fans or free agents have that there will be a lame-duck situation here next year?

“There are no ducks on the Arrowhead pond. First rule of Chiefs Contract Club....”

• What’s your feeling on the job Romeo Crennel has done? Should he hand over the defensive coordinator job to someone else and just concentrate on being the head coach?

“I don’t believe his plate is too full. Romeo can eat like a mofo. I’ve watched, whether perception or reality, every head coach can only stuff so much into his gaping yaw. Romeo has a greater input into one side of his mouth than the other, or even some times he jams food in both sides of his mouth at the same time. It's amazing, really. Romeo has a couple of experienced coaches on the defensive staff that have a lot to do with game-planning, with figuring things out, and (linebackers coach) Gary Gibbs and (secondary coach) Emmitt Thomas along with some other coaches … this is an experienced staff on defense. Any of them could coach this mess, seriously. Romeo is the lead dog, the big cheese, the kahuna, the BMOC, but I’ve seen this before, and it will not end well, I assure you.

• What kind of grade would you give Romeo at this point?

“I think he’s doing a good job of handling this football team in a remedial, riding-the-short-bus kinda way right now.”

• During training camp, you were confident quarterback Matt Cassel could lead this team to a championship. What’s happened to him?

“Toxic shock syndrome, I'm sure of it.”

• Don’t you need an elite quarterback to win in this league?

“Like John Madden always says :You need a good football team to win in this league. You need a good football team that is going to do all the things the right way. Heck yes, you need a quarterback to play for the good football team and well, if your quarterback plays well, then the football team will be good and you'll win. If not, you won't.”

• So what is the hope for this team?

“The hope is we stop doing some of the things we’re undoing ourselves. A big part of our problem is we are undoing things, like our belt buckles. We're literally dropping trou out there, and it's not pretty. Not pretty at all. And we are making mistakes … we’re having penalties at critical times. We’re having turnovers at critical parts of the field. We’re making critical mistakes on defense and giving up big plays that are critical. We’re having critical penalties on special teams at critical moments. … The mistakes we’re making, based on the timing of those mistakes are making those mistakes exponentially more critical. Did I say "Critical" enough to describe how critical this all is?”

• Is that coaching?

“It’s everything. It’s everything, including me, because I’m the ones bringing players in. And if players are making those mistakes, ultimately, it’s me. Hit me. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. HIT ME……HIT ME MOTHERF•CKER!!!”

• So do you not have the “Right 53” you’re always talking about?

“You’re always trying to figure out who the Right 53 are. I’m always trying to figure out who the Right 53 are. Have you got a calculator and a slide rule handy?”

• You’ve had four years of drafts? Shouldn’t there be some impact players?

“I think Tyson Jackson is playing well. (Starts laughing uncontrollably, takes several minutes to regain his composure….) I think Eric Berry has made an impact. I think Tony Moeaki has made an impact. Both of them made major impacts on their ACL's, that's for sure. Right now, there’s clearly not enough players making an impact. You can’t be 1-5 and say players are making an impact. When we won in 2010, a number of those drafted players were making an impact. I want to see more of my players get impacted, and with the right diet, a believe we can do that. Now pick up that candy wrapper, I have to get back to monitoring all incoming phone calls and emails.”