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Originally Posted by Reaper16
D- / 1.95
look: 2 | smell: 1.5 | taste: 1.5 | feel: 3 | drink: 3.5
rDev: -2.6%
12oz. can served into a pint glass
Presenting the latest installment of the critically acclaimed series, "Reaper Drinks Beer that People Left at His House After a Party."
Ah, Keystone Light. Your history of ad campaigns is like a poetic ode to the Hindenburg. The tagline has always been, as the can proclaims, "Always Smooth," though the exact nature in which you communicate the beer's smoothness to consumers has changed over the years. Currently, you feature a cocksure unemployed thrity-something named Keith Stone who goes around attracting the kinds of women who get stuck in trees and telling elderly ladies to "hold [your] stones." The voiceover informs us that Always Smooth Keystone Light is "smooth brewed." If smooth brewing your beer doesn't become the next -bal aged then I'll be a horse's uncle. But perhaps the most infamous Keystone Light campaign was the "bitter beer face" series of ads, in which Keystone Light is said to be "America's Never Bitter Beer." The implication being that there are no hops in this beer. The implication being that I am going to hate Keystone Light. Let's get it over with:
Pours a a feint straw yellow color. It has the effervescence of fine champagne with the color and clarity of fine urine. One finger of indifferent head goes away faster than Beer Advocate members at a party that serves Keystone Light. The only time this beer has ever heard of lace is when the co-ed in the residency hall across the Quad drinks enough of these to cause her panties to drop at the behest of a 19 year-old who patterns his fashion after Jersey Shore's The Situation. This is unacceptable.
Aromas of bran, corn, and (and my brain might just be tricking me here) calcium deposits on the bathtub from hard water make for a delightful beer. I typed delightful, didn't I? I meant to type "bad." No hops at all, cuz why would you want to taste bitter? NO BITTERNESS HERE. Thanks, Keith.
Some beer's malt profiles take on a biscuit quality. Keystone Light's tastes like hardtack. You ever see microwavable breakfast sandwiches at gas stations? The ones where there is a "biscuit" for a bun? Imagine one of those that has sat out on the counter for two weeks and then imagine it mixed up with hard tap water and then imagine you putting that mixture into your mouth. Always Smooth Keystone Light tastes like that. With a side of, like, creamed corn. Does it taste smooth? I suppose that it does. Does it taste? Just barely.
Always Smooth Keysmooth Light only cares about one thing with respect to mouthfeel: is it smooth? Yes, by approximating water's mouthfeel it has achieved that goal. Such smoothness and complete lack of sense required to enjoy it leads to a drinkable product.
I like this beer about as much as I like MGD64, which is to say that I will pray that every can of this spontaneously combusts. Always Smooth Keysmooth Lighsmooth Smooth Beer for Smooth People Smooth is a terrible product. It delivers on its promise of being smooth. It will get you drunk. Those two things are why people purchase this dreck. Rating this as a beer, even against the light lager style, it doesn't measure up. Beers like this make me want to get my bitter beer face on in a hurry. My bitter beer face, mind you, is a huge smile. Sorry, Keith Always Smooth Stone Smooth.
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